"Or maybe I like the stress..."

It's been a busy number of days and I am still reeling with all the emotional processing I have to do. I had an absolutely fantastic weekend and I am so glad that I wasn't at fair. It was so wonderful not to have to deal with the drama.

While it's not all DA and I can't blame him for my frustrations, I believe that there is only so much I can take and he has pushed me well past my limit.

I saw my therapist and she challenged me to think very carefully about whether or not I really need to be at fair this year. Will I really enjoy being there if I feel like I have to be on constant guard? After this past weekend, where I felt safe and supported, I absolutely see her point. It isn't that I feel that anyone will attack me physically. I learned a lot about energy exchanges this past weekend and I feel like there is a lot of negative energy headed my way and I am not sure that is healthy for me to deal with so much negative in my current state.

However I learned about something else this past weekend. There are two kinds of fun. There is the fun that happens when one participates in an enjoyable activity, (e.g. Type 1 Fun). The second type is fun once it's done (e. g. Type 2 Fun). I believe doing the fair with all the crap going on would be Type 2 fun at best.

I believe that Saturday especially, but first the weekend in general, is going to involve a lot of social anxiety on my part. A lot of the anxiety is based around what could happen. Ideally everyone will act like adults and things will be fine. My two biggest sources of anxiety are people who have not demonstrated the ability to behave appropriately in public. It isn't that I am worried about being attacked, that would almost be a relief. My character, Faith, could take just about anyone on in a verbal conflict and at least come to a draw, if not win outright. A physical attack from either sources of my anxiety is even less likely to happen. While I am not one to encourage physical conflict, at least something would be resolved.

However the problem is that there is no resolution. There is just ignoring the behavior and hoping that people won't get caught in the cross fire. Such a situation is hugely anxiety inducing and creates s huge stress factor for me. I could see the people that concern me and have nothing happen. However at any point, something could happen. If not this coming weekend, then the next weekend or the weekend after.

I tried. I really did. I tried to come to some sort of arrangement with DA. My overtures were misinterpreted as an interest to immediately resume a friendship after what has become a very acrimonious break up.  All I wanted was an agreement that we would give each other space. DA didn't respect our agreement from the first day of rehearsals. I foolishly tried to ask what was wrong and what was causing his behavior. In response I received an incredibly condescending e-mail explaining  why we couldn't be friends right now and that he needed space and time to heal.

In response, I reminded DA that he chose to read this blog (before it was moved, I doubt he can read it now). I reminded him that he chose to participate in the fair. If he wanted to get space from me so he could heal could then he could have left me the fuck alone and involved himself in other activities. I am not the one stalking him online nor am I currently engaging in the hobbies he introduced me to. I have to wonder how I ever cared for someone who turned out to be such a fucking hypocrite.

I figure that he will ignore me. However, DA has demonstrated in the past that agreements and rules don't matter when they are inconvenient. I hope that he will leave me be, I feel that seeing DA is going to require a certain amount of energy. I will be waiting to see if he will leave me alone or if he manages to fob off more of his drama on me.  At no point will I believe that I won't have to deal with his crap until the run of fair is over and I know I won't have to see him every weekend.

Then there is the other person who is at fair. He made my life miserable when we were in the same cast. He said nasty things the year after he got himself kicked off of our cast (and I was in no way involved in the incident that resulted in his expulsion). He pushed boundaries last year. It was difficult then and I am not looking forward to another year of it.  One of the directors has gone out of their way to ease my anxiety. They can't control the person in question, but they have given me useful information so that I can feel prepared. I still need to have energy

I am going to try and go to the fair this weekend. I am hoping that things will go well. I am hoping that I can tell my therapist at my next appointment that fair is worth the effort. But I can't remember the last time that I had to deal with this kind of drama. I know I am a drama queen, but if I could figure out how to make this go away and have a quiet fair, I would.

Today's song was hard to find until I found it; then it was super obvious. 

"Yeah, you buckle with the weight of the words..."

I have to wonder how DA experienced the weekend. He told me last Tuesday that he would endeavor to give me space at rehearsals. He did not do so when I was polite to him, he just misinterpreted my kindness as continued interest in a friendship. He did not give me space after I blocked him on Facebook and pulled this blog to where he can't see it. Taking those actions didn't give him the clue either.  On Saturday, he was right outside the classroom where I was scheduled to give a workshop. I could not change rooms. He was the one who needed to be elsewhere. I had to walk right past him.

I finally gave in and bitched about his behavior on Facebook on Saturday night. I did not call him out by name, but people knew who I was talking about. I am not sure how many people spoke to him yesterday (if anyone did). Regardless, he stayed well away from me yesterday and that's all I have wanted. I just wish it hadn't taken so many spoons to accomplish.

I am seeing my therapist tonight. I had a panic attack on Saturday morning and while I managed to teach all of my workshops, meeting my obligations was exhausting. I am not sure how I am going to make it through this week.

I believe doing fair can be a good thing, but only if I can find a cognitive behavioral therapy to shore myself up. I am taking this coming weekend off from all things fair and spending time with a different social group in a different venue. I am hoping that it will be restorative. I am also hoping that the actual fair site will mean I am less likely to have to put energy into ignoring DA.

Here's the thing, I don't want things to be acrimonious. I said, and I meant, that we could coexist at fair. But that only works if he is being honest with himself. I don't know what his damage is, but one friend observed that his behavior and his words were not in sync. DA told me that he doesn't feel comfortable spending time with me. However, he has spent the past two weekends finding ways to interact with me and be near me (until yesterday).

I would like to be clear, he ended our relationship to pursue someone else. I have respected his choice and not done any "please take me back" shit. I stopped communicating with him for weeks. I only contacted him to allow us to negotiate boundaries for fair. He turned that discussion into something more than it had to be. I am not saying he is completely to blame, I fell into my bad habits too. But, I was honest in my intent.  I just wanted peaceful coexistence.

He is the one who confided in me and then got reamed by his current girlfriend for still having feelings for me. I am not responsible for his fucked up choices and I am not going to let him off the hook for the consequences of his actions. Sunday was case in point. If he won't police himself, I will make sure he is policed.

Bah, I don't even know how to process anymore. I know he is miserable and that this is not what he wants. I believe that this is what his current girlfriend has told him he must do. Why he doesn't see the big red flag isn't my problem and I am tired of having to deal with it. 

I am going to try and spend the next two weeks not thinking about him or this situation. I will discuss how to go into fair a week from Saturday, with my sanity intact, in therapy and then I will focus on my life, my job, and my upcoming weekend of debauchery. It's not quite three weeks, but hopefully I'll be in the habit of not thinking about DA by the time I have to see him again.

I am compiling a list of all the songs I have used. It's still not done. So while I think this might be a repeat, I also think it's apropos.
 

Today's Song: Stop Dragging my Heart Around - Stevie Nicks and Tom Petty

"Why don't you be a man about it and set me free?"

"Self-improvement is the name of the game, and your primary objective is to strengthen yourself, not to destroy an opponent."
 - Maxwell Maltz


Last weekend did not go well. According to DA, it was my fault. He sent an oh-so carefully worded e-mail about how he just isn't ready to be friends and that he will try to give me the space I need. This was after not giving me space last weekend.


I have drafted a number of replies, but I figure there is no point wasting my time by sending him anything. I am sharing it here, just to purge it from my system and explain my actions of the past few days. 


Here is the current draft of the e-mail that I have written, but probably shouldn't send. (Oh, but I want to.)


DA,
I was trying to make the best of a bad situation. I cannot prevent you from attending fair. I cannot avoid running into you with the current backstage configuration. My director lives with you, so I can’t even have a clean break. I am stuck coping with you. The only reason I “reached out” at all is because you insisted on doing fair a few months after you ended our relationship by lying, cheating, and verbally abusing me. You hurt me and by doing fair, you will compound that pain every fucking weekend.


We had established boundaries and you violated them on the very first day. I had to step away from my group and my director because you decided that moving during a meeting was too challenging. I left the meeting before it ended because of your refusal to honor the boundary you agreed to. You couldn’t even give me space because of your social anxiety. However, I am expected to cope with mine?

You violated consent again with your so-called apology the next day. An apology that you forced on me when I was supposed to appear in front of 35 people in a few minutes. I didn’t make a public scene. I approached you outside of work hours asked what was bothering you.


I have not violated your space. I do not go to your social venues. My partners do not stalk you online. I’ve blocked you on Facebook. I’ve pulled my blog so you do not have to “deal with my emotions”. I have gained nothing from engagement with you, but you benefited from my understanding on more than one occasion.  


Given how you fell apart on the phone and the subsequent email you sent me, I believe that something is very wrong. Until you take ownership for your actions, your words, your mistakes and the travesty that is your relationship with your girlfriend, you are a more destructive presence at fair for me than Kevin ever was.

He has people, including your ex, who are willing to put their reputations on the line so he can be a part of the fair. Who will speak on your behalf? Where are your friends? Doesn’t that tell you anything about who is the problem?


There is no 'someday when the hurt will ease’ if you keep hurting me instead of letting me heal. Your email was cruel and has only exacerbated a bad situation. You are an imposition, DA. That is all you will ever be as long as you keep careening like a drunken driver who refuses to take any responsibility for the suffering he causes. 


You have already lost your two best friends. and destroyed their trust in the process. What more do you have to lose? I think you should consider that for a moment. You ex has friends who supported her despite her relationship with you. Kevin has friends despite all the things he has done. I have friends who stuck with me through three years of you screwing me over. Who do you have? 


What social connections do you really think you can make at fair if the three of us have no use for you and nothing good to say? I was willing to defend you and understand what you were going through until you threw that in my face. You mistook my kindness as some desperate ploy to get you back in my life. Trust me, I want nothing more than for you to just go away and never come back.


I wish I could offer you something more than vitriol, but you have pushed me past my breaking point. You are not welcome, DA. Stay away. If you try to engage with me again, I will ask your directors to intercede and pass a harassment complaint up the tree to the director of the fair.
 
The song for today seems pretty obvious to me.



Today's Song: You Keep Me Hangin' On - Kim Wilde (cover)