"Yeah, you buckle with the weight of the words..."

I have to wonder how DA experienced the weekend. He told me last Tuesday that he would endeavor to give me space at rehearsals. He did not do so when I was polite to him, he just misinterpreted my kindness as continued interest in a friendship. He did not give me space after I blocked him on Facebook and pulled this blog to where he can't see it. Taking those actions didn't give him the clue either.  On Saturday, he was right outside the classroom where I was scheduled to give a workshop. I could not change rooms. He was the one who needed to be elsewhere. I had to walk right past him.

I finally gave in and bitched about his behavior on Facebook on Saturday night. I did not call him out by name, but people knew who I was talking about. I am not sure how many people spoke to him yesterday (if anyone did). Regardless, he stayed well away from me yesterday and that's all I have wanted. I just wish it hadn't taken so many spoons to accomplish.

I am seeing my therapist tonight. I had a panic attack on Saturday morning and while I managed to teach all of my workshops, meeting my obligations was exhausting. I am not sure how I am going to make it through this week.

I believe doing fair can be a good thing, but only if I can find a cognitive behavioral therapy to shore myself up. I am taking this coming weekend off from all things fair and spending time with a different social group in a different venue. I am hoping that it will be restorative. I am also hoping that the actual fair site will mean I am less likely to have to put energy into ignoring DA.

Here's the thing, I don't want things to be acrimonious. I said, and I meant, that we could coexist at fair. But that only works if he is being honest with himself. I don't know what his damage is, but one friend observed that his behavior and his words were not in sync. DA told me that he doesn't feel comfortable spending time with me. However, he has spent the past two weekends finding ways to interact with me and be near me (until yesterday).

I would like to be clear, he ended our relationship to pursue someone else. I have respected his choice and not done any "please take me back" shit. I stopped communicating with him for weeks. I only contacted him to allow us to negotiate boundaries for fair. He turned that discussion into something more than it had to be. I am not saying he is completely to blame, I fell into my bad habits too. But, I was honest in my intent.  I just wanted peaceful coexistence.

He is the one who confided in me and then got reamed by his current girlfriend for still having feelings for me. I am not responsible for his fucked up choices and I am not going to let him off the hook for the consequences of his actions. Sunday was case in point. If he won't police himself, I will make sure he is policed.

Bah, I don't even know how to process anymore. I know he is miserable and that this is not what he wants. I believe that this is what his current girlfriend has told him he must do. Why he doesn't see the big red flag isn't my problem and I am tired of having to deal with it. 

I am going to try and spend the next two weeks not thinking about him or this situation. I will discuss how to go into fair a week from Saturday, with my sanity intact, in therapy and then I will focus on my life, my job, and my upcoming weekend of debauchery. It's not quite three weeks, but hopefully I'll be in the habit of not thinking about DA by the time I have to see him again.

I am compiling a list of all the songs I have used. It's still not done. So while I think this might be a repeat, I also think it's apropos.
 

Today's Song: Stop Dragging my Heart Around - Stevie Nicks and Tom Petty