"Call my name or walk on by..."

I was talking to a long distance friend recently. We discussed loyalty and it got me to thinking. I consider myself loyal, sometimes beyond reason. I can be a really bitter and sarcastic person, despite that, I tend to look for the best in people. Don't get me wrong, I can say awful things. I can certainly hold a grudge (I learned from my mother.) However, I also know that I have forgiven many "wrongs". I don't benefit from carrying a grudge. I am trying to get better about letting them go.

I forgave one of my best friends in high school for going to prom and dating the boy who dumped me at a dance we were all at. I forgave another friend when he refused to see me while he was home on leave. People screw up. I don't always have all the information. Life sometimes hurts, that's just the way of the world.

Last night I was talking to my husband about this idea of loyalty. Bless him, he listened to my rambling and I got to a point that helped me. About 10 years ago, a friend disappeared on me for fourteen months. They did not answer my phone calls, my texts, my e-mails, nothing. It was heartbreaking. It wasn't like I was contacting the friend daily. After a couple of days of no answers, I had given up. It was just that I worried and fussed about them.

I whined and pined until a friend of mine grabbed me by the shoulders and told me to just fucking let the person go. (Everyone needs friends who are willing to grab them by the shoulders and speak the hard truth.) I did. I just tried to push my feelings aside and let the whole mess go.

I am happy to say that fourteen months later, when I really needed them, they were able to come back into my life. I have never regretted allowing them back. Here's the thing, I had known this person for maybe two months when they disappeared on me. They had done nothing to earn that level of understanding or loyalty from me. I simply gave it. I don't even know why, it was just the right thing to do.

A few weeks ago, I told DA that I couldn't interact with him and that I would contact him when I felt able to do so, if ever. In the original version of my message, I asked for 2 months.  As I was editing, I realized that 2 months was an arbitrary amount and left things indefinite in the message I sent DA. If I am ever able to interact with him, it will be on my time, at my speed. I don't need to hold myself to any sort of emotional deadline. I still felt like I should at least say something when that two month mark rolled around.

That two month mark is fast approaching and I have been agonizing about what to say,. Given that I narrowed my choices to "maybe never" and "never", I am not sure why it was such an issue, it just seemed important to say something by the 2 months mark. While talking with my husband, I realized I don't have to say anything and the deadline is purely self-imposed.

I also realized that I was coming up against my own feelings about loyalty. I don't give my loyalty because it's earned or merited. I give it because of who I am. That doesn't mean I want to welcome DA back with open arms. He caused me a great deal of pain. I don't want DA in my life right now. Maybe that will change, maybe it won't. However, I know that I will likely forgive him, someday. Whether I trust him again, want him in my life or call him anything other than ex is another matter, but I will forgive him. If I can forgive H1 and H2, if I can forgive the friend who ghosted me for 14 months, I can forgive DA.

I realized last night that forgive does not mean forget. I know that my emotional stability is better without DA and his crap. I also know that he is my friend and he stood with me when I needed him. It may be that DA becomes like the ex I saw a couple of weeks back and we are never able to get past his current partner or the life choices he made. It might be different in fourteen months or some other point in the future, when I am able to see his actions as part of a larger picture and reconsider whether or not I want him in my life.

So the only thing I have to decide is if I am willing to open up communication again. I told DA that I couldn't talk to him until I wasn't so angry. I haven't heard a peep from him since. I imagine that I won't hear anything unless there is an emergency or I invite contact. It's my call and for the time being, I am content with no communication between us. Beyond that, I don't owe DA anything, even contact, until I am damn good and ready.

I know this might seem like common sense, but going through this process helped me come to terms with some of the conflict I have been dealing with. I am fine with protecting myself, but grudges make for a heavy emotional backpack. I don't need to add to my load.

Usually the songs I choose are aimed at the other person and describing my feelings in some way. In this case, the song is for me. I don't forget my friends, even if I walk away.

Today's Song - Don't You (Forget About Me) by Simple Minds