My parents were not terribly expressive people. They would explode unexpectedly. They did it in different ways, but the end result was the same. I would set them off and then it felt like my responsibility to calm them down and address their anger. I was supposed to handle them.
I realize that I have carried this into my life. I am well trained to watch the people around me, anticipate their needs and address them before they can explode. I feel like I have devoted a lot of bandwidth to preventing the emotional outbursts of others. I thought that’s what I was supposed to do and I took pride in being damn good at it.
One of the huge issues in my relationship with both DA and H2 is that they would have an emotional incident and if I didn’t handle it, I would get grief for weeks or months afterward. (Of course, if I mentioned something that they did to me, I was dwelling in the past.)
I didn’t realize what a relief it has been not to have to deal with that for the past few months until someone had (what I feel was) an inappropriate and emotional outburst at a party I was at. To be very clear, the woman of whom I am speaking was not responsible for my reaction and did nothing wrong. It's my trigger and my broken.
In the many years this woman and I have been acquainted, emotional and verbally abusive outbursts have been an issue. I have been her target many times in the past. Anytime I see her, I am waiting for her to explode.
Keto and his friends host parties, on a rotating basis, in their homes. Keto and I were attending one of these parties. While I knew that the hosts were acquainted with this woman and her husband, they have not been active participants in the group since they added to their family. They were only at the party to say farewells before embarking on new part of their lives.
Just to add to the drama, this woman’s husband was someone I dated a long time ago. Further, Keto thinks the world of both of them and was very happy to see them. We all managed to spend most of the time we were both at the party in companionable socialization. I was relaxed enough that I let down my guard and stopped walking on eggshells. That was a huge mistake. I said something about a mutual acquaintance that set this woman off. She started ranting and saying some really horrible things about someone I have known over half my life. I was stunned. There was absolutely no reason for her to have said anything. This acquaintance was not at the party and I believe that none of the other attendees knew who the hell the woman was ranting about.
I am not saying that this woman isn't allowed her opinions. If I understood her complaints correctly, her anger is quite justified. It wasn't the negative feeling, it was the language, the anger that seemed to come from nowhere. Her rage was incredibly upsetting to me. It make me feel like I failed. I felt like I did something wrong and caused a public scene by saying the wrong thing.
I was so flummoxed that I just walked around the party in a daze. When her husband came up to me later, I feel like I just stared at him stupidly. I simply couldn't process her outburst.
The husband and I have barely interacted in years. I don’t talk with the woman's husband because it usually causes a problem. I don't avoid him, but I try not to engage with him without someone else nearby. This is the first time I can recall him coming over to me when I was alone.
Husband engaged with me in a way that was akin to the way we were when we were still friends. We talked for what felt like a long time. Then he hugged me. I can’t remember the last time we hugged each other (because again, it would cause an incident). I don’t know why he did it, but the next morning it felt like an apology and sympathy.
I stayed at the party for a couple of hours after the woman and her husband left. Despite my plans with Keto, I had no interest in playing (it was that sort of party.) It was too risky. I was wound up in the wrong way. I didn’t want to make another scene by falling apart or crying. I left early, leaving a very confused and concerned Keto with an excuse . (We hadn’t planned to leave together, but I think he felt like he should have done something.)
On the way home from the party and the next day, I realized that her behavior wasn't my responsibility. It never was. The same goes for DA and H2. People are in charge of their own feelings. It is never my job to anticipate their emotional needs and deal with them before there is an incident. An emotional outburst that I am expected to cope with, without prior discussion, is a violation of consent. The woman of whom I am speaking did not expect me to deal with her anger. She expressed it, but it wasn't about me. She did nothing wrong. It is not her fault I was triggered. In fact, I owe her some gratitude for reminding me of something that I had forgotten. I was not responsible for her feelings and she is not responsible for mine.
My feelings and my attitude that someone's behavior is my problem is typical of Adult Children of Alcoholics. It is something I am aware of, but it never quite hit me as hard as it did at the party. I wasn't trying to set the woman off. I don't believe I had directed my comment at her (I honestly don't know.) I would have been much happier if I could have shrugged it off and let it go.
I haven't communicated or seen DA since early January. It has been wonderful. I don't walk on eggshells, I don't worry about saying the wrong thing. I don't miss the drama. I suppose I should be grateful for the party for reminding me of what I have not been missing. But it also made me sad. I cared very deeply for the husband. I have missed having him as a friend. I am starting to think that it will be the same with DA. It is probably for the best, but I feel that I was closer to DA than I ever was to the woman's husband. Regardless, in both cases, they chose not to engage with me after they ended up with someone else. This is probably a reflection on me, but I am not sure what I could have done differently.
I hate losing people I care about, even if it is better for everyone involved.
I feel that my choice of song is clichè, but apropos.
Today's Song - Since You've Been Gone by Kelly Clarkson
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