"Well life will pass me by if I don't open up my eyes..."

I keep a tarot blog. It's been a hobby and mostly I am doing it for myself. There are some people who read it, but mostly it's just for me.

I did a reading a couple of days ago. It made me realize that I have actually made some progress over the past year.

I was recently asked if I could ever be friends with DA or another ex after everything we have been through. I would have said never, no way. Then I did the reading and I realized that isn't who I am. I don't give my friendship easily. I don't take it back without good reason.

However, that is a personal thing. There are exes that meant a lot to me at the time. It is good to recognize that the relationship was bad, toxic, whatever. However, I do myself a disservice if I don't see what positive things I took from the relationship.

I am friendly when I see most of my exes. It makes life easier and honestly there is not much they can do to make up for the wrong that they did me. I don't go out of my way to engage with them. However, if we are in a space where small talk is appropriate, I try to be gracious and interact with a smile. 

Until that reading, I would have told you that I did this because it was easier than holding on to my anger. That is true, but I realized that when I have cared for someone, that never really ends for me. I still care. What changes is that I keep it to myself.

My son has told me some things about what is going on with his father. I try to give my son the support he needs to cope with the situation. I sympathize with what is going at his father's house. I care and not just because it is my son's father. I care because that person was important to me for a long time and I will always have some sort of feeling for him.

I care, but I don't do anything about it. I wouldn't offer to talk to him, to help, to sympathize. I imagine it would be poorly received and honestly I think it's inappropriate.

I finally realize that the problem isn't caring for people after they have left my life. It's expending energy on them. I can maintain the relationship in my heart, but only for my sake and personal edification, not for them.

So that was my revelation over the weekend.

Today's song is because it's in my head and so even if it doesn't fit the situation, it's an earworm I will inflict upon you.

Today's Song - Wake me Up by Avicii

"Let me wake up/ And feel entirely proud/ That the girl In the mirror, Is me!"

"All you need to do is be your authentic self, for yourself. Don't worry about whatever people think, just be comfortable in yourself."

This was from my therapist yesterday. I feel like she could have told me to jump out of a place and I would find it less scary. I haven't the foggiest clue who I am. I only know what people have expected me to be.

I try very hard not to tell my friends or partners how to dress, how to look, or how to present themselves to others. I will answer honestly if they ask my opinion, but sometimes my answer is going to be "It's your hair, wear it as long as you like."

It's a crappy thing to do. If I ask someone how I look, I honestly want their opinion and I am seeking affirmation. I am lousy at giving it, it was not how things were done in my family. I have bitched about this before.

Honestly, I just want to know what to be. Give me a title, give me a role and I will do it to the best of my ability. Trust me, this is a horrible way to live, since when I invariably fail to be what the other person wanted (because it wasn't a real person, just my best approximation) I feel like a huge failure.

I feel like I have no idea who I am. I just feel like I am a manikin with a bunch of costumes that define me for that day. Some costumes are more comfortable than others, but none of them is me. I don't like me very much. Me is this stupid person who is still hung up on a stupid boy who could care less that I existed. Who would like a person like that?

Me has to face said stupid boy in a few weeks and anytime I think about it I either feel like I am about to jump out of plane without a parachute, or I try to figure out what costume, what role will grant me sufficient protection so no one sees how pathetic I am, most especially aforementioned boy.

I just have to figure out my authentic self and who she is before the beginning of November. I think skydiving might be easier.

Today's song is from the movie Chorus Line. I have always deeply identified with it because I understand how much easier life is when someone else tells you who and how to be. I also understand how hard it is to break away.

Today's Song - Let Me Dance With You from the Chorus Line Soundtrack

"I'd love you to love me..."

It is back to school night at work. I have been at campus all day. The upside is that I have not only been able to catch up on some work, but I have also had the chance to sort out some writing that has been plaguing me for about a week.

I have an interesting conundrum. A fellow I met at the recent convention has a full-blown crush on me. He's not my usual sort. However he's ex military, a techie, a gamer and all around nerd, so when I say not my type, it's mostly physical stuff and his approach is different than I am used to. I think that might be cultural. As my students would say, he likes to flex his rep. I don't usually find men who talk big to be terribly attractive. Don't get me wrong, I have a penchant for assholes, but not this sort.

How do you respond to someone who says that he's trying to "wrap [his] head around how [I'm] even at all possible"?

I understand that for a girl who loves pink, hello kitty, and many things Disney, I have a number of masculine associated traits. I have always appreciated the dichotomy of being a girl who played with dolls and had a slider pitch respected in my neighborhood. I grew up with boy's toys and most of my friends were male as I was growing up. I like men, most of them are rather simple.

So I guess I am used to being "the girl". Anyone who has been the only girl in a gaming group, at a LAN party, or at some other nerd fest knows what I mean. The fact that I spent 10 years working in tech and doing some fairly intensive tech work just adds to my mystique. But only if you are over the age of 45, I think. While I might have been unusual prior to 2001, I see many women who share those same interests now, they just seem to be younger than me.

So this fellow is a bit older than me, which explains his surprise. I still don't know what to do with it or him, for that matter. You know what the last thing I need right now, another guy who wants something from me.

All right, that's not fair. I decided that I need to put my money where my mouth is. I may choose to let Keto and/ KzF go, but if I am going to do so, I am going to do them the courtesy of talking to them about it in person. It just means finding time and remembering that it's not them it's me. I want something different than what they are offering. It isn't a reflection on their personality or what I think about them. I like them, but I don't see it going further. As a friend mentioned, I am not in a position to be both a girlfriend and a relationship coach. I spent a number of years doing that and I got really hurt. I don't want to repeat the same mistake.

This fellow from the convention lives in So Cal, so distance is an issue. He has all the social skills, so no coaching required, just the issues with having a long distance relationship on top of everything else I do.

I remember the first time I realized that I could be an emotional crack girl. That my interactions with someone tended to be variable scheduled with variable reinforcement. I don't mean to be that way, but it seems that is what I have become to an uncomfortable number of people.

Thankfully, I don't think I have done that to my husband. I am starting to understand what people mean when they say, "I love you more now than when I married you." I never knew a long term relationship could be like this and while I am not always ecstatic, I am so glad to have my husband in my life. I probably seem greedy to many people, but honestly, who on this planet would want to handle all my shit alone? I haven't met any takers yet.

Today's song isn't quite right, but it's the closest I came up with for today's entry.

Today's Song - I Want You to Want Me by Cheap Trick

"Someone's gonna sort you out..."

I went to my first spanking convention over the weekend. I learned that there is an entire subculture of people who are referred to as Spankos. There is nothing that I love more than exploring sub-cultures (and I won’t deny a certain amount of personal interest) so when the opportunity arose, I decided to attend.

Never one to start small, my first experience with the community was with a group that have been producing videos and other media going back to the 1990s. During one of the sessions, I heard about actors who found the community and performed in some of the early videos. I hadn’t realized that there was such a demand for such things, but I should have, it's not like I missed the obsession that the Victorians have with the topic.

Just to ease your speculations, I only spanked, I didn’t receive any spankings at the events. While I don’t consider myself much of a top, I look at it like dancing. I prefer to follow, but learning how to lead made me a better dancer and allows me to dance as much as I would like. I found that spanking people was a similar experience. It would not be my first choice, but it allowed me to participate more and I think it improved my own skills. Unlike dancing, I find I want to have some sort of personal connection with the people I do anything submissive for. I didn't meet anyone that I felt any real connection with. That didn't seem to be a problem for me when I was on the topping side.

There is something rather gratifying about sitting down and having men respectfully ask permission to receive a spanking. (I have been told that because of the average age of the spanko community and the traditions, it can be very hetero-normative.) Like dancing, I found that it was important to notice body language and position to figure out where to lead my partners. I doubt I was the most accomplished newbie, but I was told later that the fact that my lap was only empty when I wanted it to be was somewhat unusual for someone who was not known in the community. I guess my first spanking showed that I at least had an idea of what I was doing.  I had a steady stream of men more than willing to dive across my lap. 

I discovered that I have a hard boundary and I am happy to see that it has developed. One of the men that I spanked asked if we could meet up again for another round. These sorts of dates are normal at such an event. I told the person that when I saw them later, we could figure out when and where. It ended up that we were both at a social event that evening. When we found each other, I asked the person to sit with me so we could plan.

We were both approached by people and the group around us cycled in and out for a while until the party dynamics changed and we were finally sitting near to each other. Figuring out a plan should have taken less than 5 minutes. I was about to start comparing schedules when a professional top sat with us. She was my age (maybe a bit younger), pretty, and had a commanding presence. She was  wearing rather high heels and I feel like she just wanted to take a few minutes off of her feet and the chair next to us was free. The three of us spoke amiably for a while. I quite liked her.

While the top tried to keep me involved in the conversation, the guy I was going to schedule with seemed to completely forget I was there. I got bored and got up and walked away with a wave. I hope I didn't stalk out. I tried not to let it be a big deal.

I don’t know what happened once I walked away, but given that I saw the professional top in a different suite about 15 minutes later, I like to imagine it went something like this:

Guy: “So tell me more about how you got into professional topping.”

Top: (looking at my retreating figure) “Is she with you?”

Guy: (distracted and starting at the top) Her? Oh, we played earlier today. We were going to schedule a date later.”

Top: (looking at the guy more closely) “So there was a woman, waiting to schedule a date with you, and you ignored her until she left?”

Guy: “I have her number, I’ll just text her later. I was hoping I could schedule with you.”

Top: “Uh, dude,. 1) When a woman is willing to offer you her time, give her your attention. 2) I have seen how you treat women, I don’t schedule with asses like you. You don’t deserve a second of my time or hers, for that matter.”

Top stands up and walks away. Guy is left alone at the party full of people and realizes that he has blown it. As soon as the Top and the woman he ignored spread their story, no one is going to touch him at this gathering.

Did it really happen that way? Probably not. However, the guy didn’t contact me again nor did I see him for the rest of the weekend. The Top was very sweet to me whenever we ran into each other.

However this isn’t about him, it’s about me. I am proud that I walked away without looking back. I am proud that I deleted his contact information. This might seem very elementary, but I am so deeply trained that it is my job to make sure things happen and to please a potential partner that in past instances I would have made excuses and given him another chance.

I have a hard boundary and I can stick to it. I do not need undivided attention, but the moment I feel that my time and person are not being respected, I am walking away. At least I hope that I can stick to that from now on. I never need to feel that a more interesting person is an excuse for treating me like shit.

The choice of song seemed pretty obvious, so thank you to the Pretenders for expressing how I feel about guys who think that sort of behavior is acceptable.

Today's Song - Bad Boys Get Spanked by The Pretenders

“That she wore for the first time today...”

I decided to run away. I only left for the weekend, but took a last minute trip with Rope Guy. It wasn’t everything I hoped, but it’s been a fun and relaxing weekend. 

I’m taking a page out a friends book and I’m wearing my first bikini, probably since I was three. It’s hardly revealing by today’s standards, but I still had trouble taking off my cover up. (I tried to snap a selfie, but my arms aren’t long enough.)

Not much of a post, but I’m alive and well. Time to brave the pool. 

 And what is the most obvious song? Of course

Today’s Song - tsy, bitsy, teenie weenie, yellow polka dot bikini by Brian Hylanr