I have an interesting conundrum. A fellow I met at the recent convention has a full-blown crush on me. He's not my usual sort. However he's ex military, a techie, a gamer and all around nerd, so when I say not my type, it's mostly physical stuff and his approach is different than I am used to. I think that might be cultural. As my students would say, he likes to flex his rep. I don't usually find men who talk big to be terribly attractive. Don't get me wrong, I have a penchant for assholes, but not this sort.
How do you respond to someone who says that he's trying to "wrap [his] head around how [I'm] even at all possible"?
I understand that for a girl who loves pink, hello kitty, and many things Disney, I have a number of masculine associated traits. I have always appreciated the dichotomy of being a girl who played with dolls and had a slider pitch respected in my neighborhood. I grew up with boy's toys and most of my friends were male as I was growing up. I like men, most of them are rather simple.
So I guess I am used to being "the girl". Anyone who has been the only girl in a gaming group, at a LAN party, or at some other nerd fest knows what I mean. The fact that I spent 10 years working in tech and doing some fairly intensive tech work just adds to my mystique. But only if you are over the age of 45, I think. While I might have been unusual prior to 2001, I see many women who share those same interests now, they just seem to be younger than me.
So this fellow is a bit older than me, which explains his surprise. I still don't know what to do with it or him, for that matter. You know what the last thing I need right now, another guy who wants something from me.
All right, that's not fair. I decided that I need to put my money where my mouth is. I may choose to let Keto and/ KzF go, but if I am going to do so, I am going to do them the courtesy of talking to them about it in person. It just means finding time and remembering that it's not them it's me. I want something different than what they are offering. It isn't a reflection on their personality or what I think about them. I like them, but I don't see it going further. As a friend mentioned, I am not in a position to be both a girlfriend and a relationship coach. I spent a number of years doing that and I got really hurt. I don't want to repeat the same mistake.
This fellow from the convention lives in So Cal, so distance is an issue. He has all the social skills, so no coaching required, just the issues with having a long distance relationship on top of everything else I do.
I remember the first time I realized that I could be an emotional crack girl. That my interactions with someone tended to be variable scheduled with variable reinforcement. I don't mean to be that way, but it seems that is what I have become to an uncomfortable number of people.
Thankfully, I don't think I have done that to my husband. I am starting to understand what people mean when they say, "I love you more now than when I married you." I never knew a long term relationship could be like this and while I am not always ecstatic, I am so glad to have my husband in my life. I probably seem greedy to many people, but honestly, who on this planet would want to handle all my shit alone? I haven't met any takers yet.
Today's song isn't quite right, but it's the closest I came up with for today's entry.
Today's Song - I Want You to Want Me by Cheap Trick
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