"I just like things a little rough and you better not disagree."

Dopamine Jollies - Doing things (not necessarily healthy ones) that reinforce behavior. Exercise feels good and makes me feel better. That's a healthy thing and doing it produces a dopamine response. Looking at my phone and seeing notifications from social media or texting. This can be unhealthy, since I'm averaging nearly six hours a day on my phone. I know that every I look at my phone and there aren't any little notifications, I feel a little pang of depression.

Seratonin Jollies - Food, sex, social interaction and anything that causes a good or satisfied feeling. Eating two doughnuts with a hot cup of coffee in the morning is a great source of seratonin, even if it isn't necessarily healthy.

As I am fond of saying, I am all processor and very little in the way of buffers. I can process information very quickly, but whatever I can't process tends to be left behind. I am rarely asked to tax my processing power, although things fall off the stack all the time. (Thank you ADHD.)

There is a scene in the second Matrix movie that always delighted me because the "Architect's" monologue explains the entire purpose of the Matrix, of Neo and demonstrates how the AI has considered every possible outcome. It's fast and a lot of people complained that they didn't understand it without pausing and rewinding the scene. It is rare that popular media forces me to use all of my faculties.

It feels good to get my brain firing on all pistons. I remember when I learned to ride horses, I loved cantering. Unlike a walk or a trot, cantering felt like a natural gait. In a canter, I felt like the horse and I were opening up and flying. A canter doesn't feel forced, like a gallop does.  A canter feels like the horse and I could run forever. I really wish I had the opportunity to ride horses more frequently. I also want things to engage all of my attention. I know that I seek intensity and to do so isn't always healthy.

When that intensity comes from another person, it's co-dependency and that is demonstrably not healthy. But I want the intensity, I want to get my brain firing on all pistons. I know that I shouldn't get it from a relationship, but I am starting to figure out how I can get it through scenes in BDSM. It just means trusting people in a way that I am not used to.

This isn't a totally new revelation, there is a reason I have been in and out of the kink community for the past number of years. However, this is the first time that I feel like I have a course of study and a goal. I know what I am trying to get out of the scene. Now I just have to apply myself.

Today's song just seemed like an obvious choice.

Today's Song - Hanky Panky by Madonna