There are times when I wonder what I did to be so lucky. I have a career I love. I live in a home that I helped to buy. I have a husband who understands me and my peculiarities. I have friends that I trust and I feel that trust is reciprocated. I feel like I am getting my needs met and life has gone far and above what I ever thought I could achieve.
Today I presented to the parent committee requesting that they increase funding for the peer mentorship program. I was told that I was eloquent and made an excellent case. The funding request was approved unanimously. This is a project I have been working toward since I earned my masters.
While life isn't perfect, I have absolutely nothing to complain about.
Of course I am trying to figure out how things could go wrong. Though I walk through the Valley of Worst Case Scenario, I shall fear no evil, because I have anticipated nearly every possible thing that could go wrong and have anticipated how much it will fuck up my life.
There are times when having Generalized Anxiety Disorder is just a royal pain in the ass. So before I get lost in another round of poor me, I thought I would write down a declaration that my life does not suck, but rather rocks.
Keto and I are "dating". although I hardly see him. He lost his contract at
the Big G, so he doesn't come down as often. He has a friend crashing at
his house and because of the craftsman style, there is no privacy. I've
been seeing him for a couple of hours on Thursdays, but that is about
it. He isn't communicative, he isn't proactive about asking to spend
time with me.
We were supposed to get together on
Saturday. I put this weekend aside for him nearly a month ago.
Yesterday, via a short text, he regretfully apologized that due to
family obligations he would have to cancel. (Family obligations are
giving his cousin a ride from SFO to Reno. Since he's up there
anyway, Keto is going skiing.)
What's really pissing me off
is that Keto's birthday is a week from today. I planned my spring break
vacation so that I would be able to celebrate with him. Further, I
had planned to arrange with the friends we were seeing on Saturday to
surprise him. (It wouldn't have been much, a cake, singing happy
birthday, etc.)
I could tell him this tonight and make him feel
poorly. I could try to explain it carefully and gently after I get back
from my vacation and treat it as a learning moment.
Frankly, I don't wanna do either. I knew Keto wasn't terribly experienced with relationships when I met
him; I have tried to be understanding and patient. However, given the
amount of consideration I have given his schedule, I am peeved that he
couldn't at least discuss what was going on before he completely ignored
mine.
I don't want to put energy into making another
someone
"relationship ready". It seems that I put in all the work only to hand
them over to someone else who gets the benefit. What's worse, they don't
appreciate the role I played by providing them a partner worth having.
There are times when I want to have a very frank conversation with Jack
or DA's partner and explain why
they should be thanking me, not treating me like a threat.
My therapist thinks I should DTMFA.
I think she is probably right. I know it would upset Keto, but I don't
need someone who takes me for granted. I lived with that for far too
long. I like the friends that Keto introduced me to, but if that's the
only reason I am sticking around, it's not enough. I won't make a choice until after my spring break.
Today's song is because the new album came out and I like it. It's also somewhat relevant.
I have learned a couple of things in the past few days.
1. When I am stressed about a lot of things in my life, it's much easier to find something small and trivial and get pissy about it. Hence my previous entry, because a looming strike at work, issues in my marriage, and frustrations from another relationship were just too hard. DA is an easy target for my anger. I am happy to say that I did nothing about it outside of venting.
2. I have been seeking my mother's approval all of my life. I accepted a while ago that I would never truly get it. What I didn't realize that people who push the same buttons as my mother will cause me to want their approval. This sets me up for a lot of heartbreak.
Thankfully a tentative agreement has been reached, so the strike is likely off. My husband and I took some extra time together this weekend and I feel that things are better. The other relationship and I did some difficult and challenging communication and that seems to be better too.
There is more, but I have a lot on my plate these days, and so I will keep today's entry short and sweet.
The song for today is an easy one, given the upcoming week of weather and how I am feeling.
Today's Song - I Can See Clearly Now by The Hothouse Flowers
I would like to start by stating that I am tired and feeling overwhelmed. I am also angry. I am frustrated and tired of it.
“The blog, the blog, the blog!” That is all I heard during Christmas Fair rehearsals and so before I was asked, I made it so that only people who I had approved could see the damn thing.
I had that damn blog bite me on the ass more than once. Something I wrote in it upset my daughter. Even though I didn’t name anyone, it was used against me by someone who accused me of lying. However, I think the thing that pissed me off was when DA tried to justify his girlfriend reading the entire thing as “getting to know me”.
I have never met the damn woman.
At some point she blocked me on social media. Fine, whatever, it’s not like we were ever going to be friends.
I found out yesterday that she has blocked me on LinkedIn. When I found out, I was amused. How petty and stupid.
Today it bothers me. It bothers me because she works with a former colleague of mine. It bothers me because she works at a company where I have professional connections. It bothers me because blocking someone has certain connotations. It bothers me because I feel that it is impugning me professionally.
I don’t care that I used to date her damn boyfriend. I don’t care that she is a petty child. I have done absolutely nothing to her.
Now I want to.
I am not really angry at her. I am angry at having to deal with DA’s broken relationships. I didn’t get his ex-boyfriend removed from fair, from my group or any other social group. I did nothing to deserved getting harassed and stalked. I certainly didn’t do anything to be told that if I didn’t stop complaining, I could leave the damn fair.
When DA started seeing his current girlfriend, I didn’t stalk her. I didn’t harass her. I didn’t do anything. When DA and I broke up, I left him alone, too. I haven’t seen him since he showed up at Peers in January. I haven’t spoken to him in over two months.
I want to scream at him. I want to tell him that his fucking girlfriend doesn’t have to be connected to me on LinkedIn. He doesn’t have to be either. However, blocking someone on a professional job site carries certain implications. As a teacher in a high profile district, I don’t need this shit.
I know that it won’t do any good. I know that I am just stirring up drama. I know that I am borrowing trouble. I know that I am tired, burned out and otherwise not in a good space.
But mostly I am tired of being respectful of people and having it thrown in my face. I don’t care what you think of me as your boyfriend’s ex. However, Don’t. Fuck. With. My. Profession. Go live your life and leave me alone. (Which is what inspired today’s song.)
