For some reason, this post was hit recently. I fixed some issues with it, since I think I wrote it on my phone. Fixing it made me realize that I should probably update in a little more detail than I have been doing on Facebook. So, here is the medical update with some emotional stuff.
There has been no nerve damage. There has been some minor hemorrhagic issues with my eyes, but with my diabetes, it's an expected outcome. What I have learned is that the human body is a wickedly weird thing and mine is no expectation. I have a L6 vertebrae, which is what made diagnosing the problem such an issue.
So yay, yet another mutation!
I am doing much, much better. Once I saw a physical medicine doctor, recovery took about two weeks. I still have to consider an entire day of movement, because I do get tired. There are still some concerns that will have me in and out of doctor's offices for the rest of the year. I have another cancer screening next month, so that is still hanging over me.
Keto finally initiated a text conversation with me. It did not go over well. Keto has almost no connectivity at home, so had he said, "I would like to call you, will X time work?" I would have been happy to make time for him. I wasn't going to go out of my way while I was in pain to tell him what to do. He got upset because he felt frustrated at being shut out of my life.
He made some assumptions about my trip to Disneyland. (Dude, I had to rent a fucking scooter!) He thought since I could go to that I would be up to joining him for parties. I have barely spoken to him since May. I don't want to go to a party when things are up in the air between us.
I told Keto we should have the conversation in person because it isn't going well. I have to admit, I am not terribly interested in pursuing the relationship further. I got enough of being forgotten and abandoned in my last relationship. I know his reasons are different, but Keto made me feel like I wasn't worth talking to when I wasn't healthy. I know that wasn't his intention, but I am really tired of dealing with people's good intentions and their bad actions.
KzF has been similar. He texts me from time to time, but if he wants me for more than a sexual partner, he hasn't made it clear. You know what I don't want when I have been in pain for weeks on end? I don't want to deal with someone who seems only interested in sex. I don't want sex, I want intimacy and poor baby.
A dear friend of mine gave me permission to dump Keto. I should be polite and forthright, but she made sure that I knew that it was all right to let him go. I think I would be right if she would feel similarly about KzF.
I am feeling fussy and frustrated at the moment. I miss what I had with DA. I miss having a dance partner, someone to go hiking with, and someone with whom I could talk to about the news, the world, television or whatever else. I don't miss DA, just that while I have some wonderful people in my life, I don't have the life I had before I started dating DA.
I know what having a skilled dance partner to go to dances with is like. Rope Guy and my husband have attended dances with me, but I get stressed because I want them to have a good time and I am afraid that if I dance with other people, they won't enjoy themselves. It's my anxiety and has very little to do with them. I have wonderful conversations with my husband, Rope Guy and others, but there are conversations and topics that I could share with DA that I haven't found anyone else to be very interested in.
I don't intend to go into what DA meant to me. Whatever we had, it wasn't real nor did it matter to him. I hate wanting something that probably never existed. I have the horrible feeling that I didn't know the real DA, merely the front that he presented me so he wouldn't be alone.
That makes wonder how many other errors in judgment I made. I wonder if I just shouldn't crawl into a hole for a while. I don't want deal with Keto and his inexperience. I don't want to deal with KzF and what I deem to be his issues with intimacy. I just want to feel taken care of and I don't.
I can't do fair, go to dances, or do the things that I used to love doing without having to overcome some obstacle or process through some emotions. I am not sure what will be worse, dealing with my limitations or feeling like I am in an hostile environment. I am just dreading fair this year, not looking forward to it.
I am just rambling at this point, so I will stop. I miss the life I had in 2015 and I want it back. I am not sure what I did that makes that feel so impossible.
Today's song is from Postmodern Jukebox. I prefer their version and it felt right.
There is an event coming up, one which I have been specifically asked not to post about publicly. So, if you comment, please don't ID the event or any of the people involved.
I wish that sending this letter would be effective, but I think this is only to make myself feel heard and to process my frustration. While the sessions I attended last Sunday were useful, I also felt like people weren't being consistent. When I brought these issues up last year, I was CC'd on an email that said if I didn't like the dictates of the PTBs, I could leave. Only one director took the time to interview me and get my side of the story. Without their intervention, I would not have been able to participate last year.
This year, the PTBs are willing to pay a therapist to mediate?
Brain hurty, I write out and bitch now so I can be a grown up later. I'm sorry it's rambly.
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Dear Annoying Ex,
The directors and leaders of [theatrical group] met last Sunday. One-half of our time was spent discussing hostile work environments and how we, as leaders, need to make sure everyone can feel safe onsite and in the associated online forums.
To address any potential social anxiety, no one at the meeting discussed [unnamed participant], you, or me, at least not in my presence.
There has been a problem with people who ignore boundaries. When called on it, they claim that it was a mistake or wasn’t intentional. The situation between [unnamed participant] and me as well as the poor dynamic you and I share is very minor league in the grand scheme. Dealing with an inconsiderate ex was used as an example of something that could contribute to a hostile work environment, but that’s a fairly common issue. I did not feel called out.
You can ask [mutual acquaintance] for their take, they were at the same sessions.
The rest is my opinion and can be ignored as such.
I believe that the reason no one asked [unnamed participant] to stop treating you like a social pariah was because there were people who felt that you brought it upon yourself. (My opinion, my observations, with hearsay of how people in the community spoke about the situation. I haven’t asked anyone directly.)
You cut [unnamed participant] completely out of your life with an email and no discussion about how to share spaces. As I remember it, you felt their pattern of behavior justified your actions. When they tried to communicate, you gave them the silent treatment and refused any discussion. It caused them a great deal of pain, which they expressed, loudly.
The problem wasn’t the choice you made, I felt you were justified cutting [unnamed participant] from your life. I believe the issue was how you ignored social niceties and continued to show up at the venues [unnamed participant] introduced you to. You refused to speak to them, but they were supposed to be courteous to you? They were expected to respect your boundaries, but you didn’t have to reciprocate? (This is speculation and hearsay, since I never witnessed the behavior of them cutting you publicly.)
People break up and sometimes it’s nasty. That happens. However, if social spaces are going to be shared, then shutting off all communication creates drama and strife that can hurt everyone in the space, not just the people who were in the relationship. [unnamed participant] said they were willing to talk and find common ground; people believed them. You wanted to be able to be in the space, but seemed unwilling to make any accommodation for how they felt.
My perspective on [unnamed participant]’s behavior changed when you chose to attend [unspecified event]. They weren't showing up in your spaces, why did you think it was appropriate to show up at an event where they had a leadership role? (I don’t feel they should have had such a role, but my opinion is not relevant.)
As I recall, you attended [unspecified event] in order to spend the weekend with [previous relationship] and show [unnamed participant] up. How many people had to suffer before you admitted what a bad idea that was?
Looking back on my most recent interaction with [previous relationship], I’m starting to believe that she was trying to be courteous. I just had my head too far up my ass to notice. I left the venue when I felt my attitude was creating a negative dynamic. I didn’t force [unnamed participant] or [previous relationship] to cope with me. I’ll go back when I’m ready to be polite.
I feel, and have observed, that If someone is disrupting a community, it gets dealt with. Missing stairs are worked around: they get fixed, they get ignored or they get removed and replaced. That is what I think happened to you in the XXXX community. It’s what I believe happened to [unnamed participant] in [performance group]. It’s what I feel happened to me at [dance group] in 20XX.
Last January, I thought our problem was me. I apologized and voluntarily removed myself from your life. When some time passed, I approached you with a carefully worded letter.
I tried to respect your boundaries while creating a forum where we could establish moving forward and sharing spaces. I did try to change the dynamic between us. I requested that we meet in person and keep text communications to a minimum. I did not wish to repeat another frustrating season of trying to awkwardly share social spaces, I hoped that some basic communication would allow us to coexist.
You chose to respond with asynchronous communication and establish your requirements for a friendship I had not asked for. You made some very big assumptions and they were painful.
Have I ever physically inflicted myself on one of your spaces in the
past year? If so, I’m very sorry. I can’t think of a time when I have,
even though you store your stuff where my best friend lives.
I responded to your e-mail poorly. Feeling like you had continually infringed on my boundaries and showed little consideration of my feelings burst out with more than a year of pent up frustration and rage. I got angry. I wrote things I shouldn’t have.
I kept it between us and used the medium you chose. When you pointed out how what I wrote hurt, I apologized. I requested that we go back to my original suggestion after some time had passed. When it seemed you misunderstood my intent, I tried to talk, in real time. When you refused, I backed off. I did not interfere with your job, your home, or your relationship.
I treated you with more respect than you showed me in a professional space where you knew I was under professional obligations. Worse, you did so on multiple occasions.
I have only sent emails, I have not forced you to deal with me in real time nor intentionally communicated with you during your work day. I figure that if you don’t want my words you’ll tell me to stop or you have blocked me.
Respect is what keeps a social community intact. I know how hard this is. The [unspecified] community] is a small one. There are times when I wish I could be in a social space where I don’t have to deal with repercussions of mistakes I made when I was 22.
Social politics is a reality in any organizational structure. I have friends at [unspecified dance group]. I wanted to dance, so I sucked up my pride and made amends. I don’t consider [so-and-so] a friend. I don’t go out of my way to spend time with them. However we are congenial when we meet at [unspecified event] and always have been. We also respect each other’s space. To offer you some perspective, I went through a vicious custody battle with my former spouse and them. It never intentionally came to [unspecified event].
I tried to be understanding of your situation. I tried to be “friendly” last year at [unspecified event]. I feel that you misinterpreted “friendly” and then got defensive and combative when I expressed that you pushed my boundaries too hard. The first time you said we couldn’t be friends seemed to be because I called you out for pushing yourself, physically, into my spaces during the first two days of [unspecified rehearsals].
I believe that the some in the community see a pattern of you using people to gain social capital and then shutting them out your life when you find someone you deem better. (Again there is hearsay and speculation, but I was told this directly in as many words by people who heard [previous relationship], [unnamed participant], and I tell variations on our experiences with you.)
To be clear, I don’t want your version of friendship. Loyalty and feelings don’t seem to mean anything to you. If I ever asked to be friends, I regret and rescind that request. I just wanted peaceful coexistence within our shared social milieu.
You have exes at [unspecified event]. I don’t think you can expect them to be “friendly” after you treated them like inconvenient garbage in the special spaces they shared with you. Understand that they thought that they mattered to you. They trusted that you’d respect them even after they lost their value. (I’m paraphrasing [unspecified participant] here and adding my interpretation of their written feelings.)
Having to go out of my way to avoid someone at [unspecified event] does not make it a safe space, it makes it feel like a hostile environment. You are the only ex I have at [unspecified event] that has made me feel that way, and given the people who are there, that’s saying something.
If you don’t want [unspecified event] to feel like the hostile environment that I remember you saying that [XXXX community] was, don’t continue the same behaviors and expect a different result.
That’s not meant as a threat. I expect that you will go out of your way to avoid me for the rest of my life. I’m making an observation combined with what was discussed at the [theatrical group's] meeting.
I requested that Dr. Therapist meet with [unspecified participant] and me at [such and such time]. PTB1 and PTB2 have agreed to compensate for the time. (I’m not getting special treatment, the offer was made to the whole group. However, I got the implied request that I take advantage of it.)
I’m mentioning this so I don’t come across as a complete hypocrite. Having been on the receiving end of you saying, “well my partner said...”, I have a lot more sympathy for why [unspecified participant] has such negative feelings about me. I’m hoping that my attitude adjustment and admitting that I could have better considered their feelings will allow us to find way to congenially share [space 1] and [neighboring space].
It’s politics. After attending the meeting on Sunday, I feel you left me no other option.
I thought that you and I could come up with a different solution than what I’ve heard you propose on multiple occasions. To paraphrase what I heard: Rachel, we can’t be friends, my partner says it’s better that exes pretend that they don't know each other and I do what she says. I’ll still expect you to be friendly so I’m comfortable in the space you brought me into. Your feelings and comfort don’t matter although I will swear up and down that they do, while my actions show everyone the opposite.
I feel you and I did the same thing to [unspecified participant], I don’t know what made me think I’d be treated differently when I’d worn out my welcome. The least I can do is offer them my mea culpas and admit that I could have been more considerate.
Regards,
One of many exes you treat as worthless
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I don't know if I have used this song or not, but it sort of suits the entry and I can't think of a better one.
During my junior year of college, I found an article and posted it to social media. I knew it was something a former boyfriend would find interesting. I think it was to my personal blog or something similar, not a list. If my ex read it or had a reaction, I never knew. I do know that his partner was incensed and posted about it on social media. They called me out for baiting my ex and doing it so obviously. I will own that I knew my ex might find what I posted interesting, but I also think it was a subject that interested me. I don’t recall forcing my ex to read it. I am pretty sure I didn’t tag him.
Mostly I remember being frustrated because I felt like I had gone out of my way to stay the hell out of the person’s life. I knew their partner didn’t like me. I tried to respect that. Instead of appreciating what I had been doing, I was called out for posting an article some four bloody years after we broke up in my fucking space. (Or maybe I did post it to some group we were both on, but I seriously doubt it.)
Relationships suck when they are over.
While I was in Disneyland, I was on the receiving end of something similar and I can say, it’s just as frustrating. My most recent ex, who has a name, posted something to the fair list. They posted an article about Disneyland's new Star Wars attraction and connected it to fair.
In my opinion it is a biased article. I think the timing of the post was deliberate. I’m not sure what they were trying to accomplish, and that’s what is frustrating.
My housemate noted that it's been weeks since my ex and I have engaged in any interaction; it was just a bid for attention. Negative attention is better than being ignored. I observed it is the one place where we can have any sort of communication, since their partner cannot read anything posted to a private group. I know, I know, I should Elsa this shit and Let It Go.
Here is what is really funny (to me). I posted a comment. (Last time I checked, my comment had more positive reactions than the original post, so winning!) It was a pointed comment, but only people who know my ex and me very well would have understood the subtext. A few minutes later, my tarot blog was pinged. I have no idea what anyone expected to find, since why would I be doing tarot while on vacation? The ping looks like my ex checked, though. My ex wrote me, "I don’t see a path forward for our friendship. Despite our efforts, the same patterns have persisted and show no signs of stopping. I think it is time to go our separate ways." (posted without permission) My ex made that choice and wrote those words. Regardless of how I feel about it, I have respected that wish. I was not happy about it and I expressed that to my ex and what I think of his choice. I told my ex that the timing was wretched and cruel. But it doesn't matter, when one person declares a relationship ended, the other person just gets to suck it up and deal. I have done my level best to suck it up and deal. But shouldn't that go both ways? A friend of mine has explained to me that even after a break up, there is only so much you can do to prevent the other person from looking in on you. The only thing to do is just ignore it. I get that in my head, but I am still boggled.
It feels like the moment I am nearly free, the ex finds a way to pull me back. They aren't wrong, we are stuck in a pattern and it seems to be about a four week cycle.
I don't linger where I am not wanted. I would appreciate the same courtesy, if you don't want me, then don't linger. So, I am posting this to get it off my chest, but also to make sure that four weeks from now, I don't get sucked in again. The song was a pretty obvious one and I did just get back from Disneyland, so Elsa will sing me on out.
