"I see the way you're acting like you're somebody else gets me frustrated..."

For some reason, this post was hit recently. I fixed some issues with it, since I think I wrote it on my phone. Fixing it made me realize that I should probably update in a little more detail than I have been doing on Facebook. So, here is the medical update with some emotional stuff.

There has been no nerve damage. There has been some minor hemorrhagic issues with my eyes, but with my diabetes, it's an expected outcome. What I have learned is that the human body is a wickedly weird thing and mine is no expectation. I have a L6 vertebrae, which is what made diagnosing the problem such an issue.

So yay, yet another mutation!

I am doing much, much better. Once I saw a physical medicine doctor, recovery took about two weeks. I still have to consider an entire day of movement, because I do get tired. There are still some concerns that will have me in and out of doctor's offices for the rest of the year. I have another cancer screening next month, so that is still hanging over me.

Keto finally initiated a text conversation with me. It did not go over well. Keto has almost no connectivity at home, so had he said, "I would like to call you, will X time work?" I would have been happy to make time for him. I wasn't going to go out of my way while I was in pain to tell him what to do. He got upset because he felt frustrated at being shut out of my life.

He made some assumptions about my trip to Disneyland. (Dude, I had to rent a fucking scooter!) He thought since I could go to that I would be up to joining him for parties. I have barely spoken to him since May. I don't want to go to a party when things are up in the air between us.

I told Keto we should have the conversation in person because it isn't going well. I have to admit, I am not terribly interested in pursuing the relationship further. I got enough of being forgotten and abandoned in my last relationship. I know his reasons are different, but Keto made me feel like I wasn't worth talking to when I wasn't healthy. I know that wasn't his intention, but I am really tired of dealing with people's good intentions and their bad actions.

KzF has been similar. He texts me from time to time, but if he wants me for more than a sexual partner, he hasn't made it clear. You know what I don't want when I have been in pain for weeks on end? I don't want to deal with someone who seems only interested in sex. I don't want sex, I want intimacy and poor baby.

A dear friend of mine gave me permission to dump Keto. I should be polite and forthright, but she made sure that I knew that it was all right to let him go. I think I would be right if she would feel similarly about KzF.

I am feeling fussy and frustrated at the moment. I miss what I had with DA. I miss having a dance partner, someone to go hiking with, and someone with whom I could talk to about the news, the world, television or whatever else. I don't miss DA, just that while I have some wonderful people in my life, I don't have the life I had before I started dating DA.

I know what having a skilled dance partner to go to dances with is like. Rope Guy and my husband have attended dances with me, but I get stressed because I want them to have a good time and I am afraid that if I dance with other people, they won't enjoy themselves. It's my anxiety and has very little to do with them. I have wonderful conversations with my husband, Rope Guy and others, but there are conversations and topics that I could share with DA that I haven't found anyone else to be very interested in.

I don't intend to go into what DA meant to me. Whatever we had, it wasn't real nor did it matter to him. I hate wanting something that probably never existed. I have the horrible feeling that I didn't know the real DA, merely the front that he presented me so he wouldn't be alone.

That makes wonder how many other errors in judgment I made. I wonder if I just shouldn't crawl into a hole for a while. I don't want deal with Keto and his inexperience. I don't want to deal with KzF and what I deem to be his issues with intimacy. I just want to feel taken care of and I don't.

I can't do fair, go to dances, or do the things that I used to love doing without having to overcome some obstacle or process through some emotions. I am not sure what will be worse, dealing with my limitations or feeling like I am in an hostile environment. I am just dreading fair this year, not looking forward to it.

I am just rambling at this point, so I will stop. I miss the life I had in 2015 and I want it back. I am not sure what I did that makes that feel so impossible.

Today's song is from Postmodern Jukebox. I prefer their version and it felt right.

Today's Song - Complicated by Postmodern Jukebox