Venues, Beliefs and Biases

There are many sides to every story. I do my best to be as objective and unbiased as I can be, because I feel that my doing so I am better able to work on my own issues. While sometimes I want and need love and support, I don't need an echo chamber. I have been very glad that my friends have challenged my perspectives and my opinions.

I am very glad to be able to say that I was heard and that the matter with Kevin has been resolved, at least for the moment. I don't know details (and even if I did, I don't think they are appropriate to be shared). What I feel I can say is that a compromise was worked out that satisfies my concerns. It is a compromise; we are both giving up something that is important. However, it allows us to continue performing.

Someone I nominally know was removed from a venue due to an accusation of stalking. I do not know the story at all, but their story made me think. 

I am sure that Kevin has a very different story to tell about our situation. I had someone try to defend him and I was not unbiased nor did I wish to have my perspective challenged. There is a lot of history and while I hesitate to say never, I do not believe that there will ever be more than an uneasy peace. Discussion and compromise options between the two of us were tried and failed. I did not take this to the venue management directly, this was a two year process.

However, I say with all sincerity that I do not want a situation to arise where anyone, including Kevin, is removed from the venue. I believe that when one person can demand that an individual or a group is no longer allowed to participate in a venue, the loss is felt by the entire community. I want people to feel safe. Safety, in my opinion, does not mean comfortable. People will challenge our beliefs, will disagree with our opinions and may do things that we find questionable. However, provided that they are following the rules of the venue, I do not believe people should be banned just because they make me (or anyone) uncomfortable.

I think it falls to venues to have clearly stated policies and rules about conduct, dress code, and interpersonal behavior. I believe that those policies should follow the law and therefore cannot be due to race, gender, class, or sexual orientation. I think that when there has been a violation of a venues policy and code, it should be clearly communicated to the person or people with a written statement that is signed and dated. I know that isn't always possible, but if someone is banned from a public space, then I believe that the person or people banned should have a clear understanding that they are unwelcome and what policy that they violated.

I say this as someone who has been banned from a venue. I do not know for sure, but a friend and member of "my group" who was banned in 2005 was at the venue a while back. Even though they were never directly involved and it has been over a decade, this friend was asked to leave. I am not going to waste my time and energy to drive up to a venue on a work night only to be asked to leave. I do not know what policy was violated, but my understanding is that it was based on a personal bias of the owners. I believe that the ban was in violation of laws about discrimination, which is why the reason for the ban has never been written down or communicated clearly. A "right to refuse service" is not legal basis, since that it what has been used to refuse service to people because they are the wrong color or gender. I believe that if a person owns a business that is open to the public, it has to serve the entire public, not just the people the owner wants to serve.

I appreciate the love and support I received during over the past few weeks. I am glad that a resolution has been found that did not requires anyone to have to leave the venue. I am not comfortable, but I believe that my concerns about my personal safety have been taken very seriously and addressed fully. I think that is all that needs to be said about it. 

I couldn't think of a song today. 

"Your losing control of it and It's really distasteful..."

The only way to stop a bully, according to my therapist, is to take away their power. I wish my amygdala understood that I needed it to shut up and let me act. It doesn't.

I spent this weekend, mostly Saturday but also some of Sunday, feeling like I was in grade school at the mercy of a bully. It was a horrible feeling and it is making going to the Dickens fair very difficult. It is not something new, this is a continuation of a problem that has been haunting me for the past couple of years.

Kevin returned to fair this year. He came back as a part of a different cast. I saw him at workshops, but we avoided each other. His disdain was palpable, but among my friends it was easy to ignore him.

Things changed on the first day of fair. He wasn't provocative or threatening. He just sat in the same environment as me, being very obvious. I felt he was doing it deliberately and I found it uncomfortable. I said something to some of my friends, but I didn't say anything to anyone else. I figured I would let him piss all over things, mark his territory and that would be an end of it.

It wasn't. He never did anything to that was too overly threatening. He just sat in our environment, like he was still a part of our group. It was maddening, I felt that I couldn't get angry at a person for where they sat, even though I didn't like it.

However in the later part of the day I was getting ready to play my part in the end of Bill Sikes (one of the Dickens villains). I was standing at my "station" with another actor who has also had issues with Kevin. Kevin and another actor were engaging with some of the patrons. According to my mate, Kevin was looking over at us. I was trying to watch for my cue, so I was valiantly attempting to ignore what Kevin was trying to do not 10 feet in front of me. The other actor asked my friend and I if we could take a picture of the lot of the, using one of the patron's phones.

I flailed. My friend stepped up and took the pictures. I was still discombobulated enough that I blew my cue and nearly screwed up the scene. (Thankfully, I work with a lot of fine actors so the scene carried on, despite my mistake.) When I got back to my usual environment, there he was, sitting in the same place.

I tried to speak to one of the directors, one who was near to me, but not my director. They felt that they should not get involved in a directorial sense, although they assured me that they were my friend and would support me as such. I am not sure if they understood that I wasn't angry about some fight. I don't know if they understand that I felt that Kevin was stalking me. I told them that I would be talking to the other directors on Sunday morning and that I was letting them know my intent as a courtesy. I probably didn't communicate it well, but I do respect their choice.

I think the thing that was the most frustrating is that when I told people how I was feeling, I felt like they kept trying to mitigate the situation. I had one person suggest that Kevin didn't mean to harass me. Maybe he shouldn't have been sitting in my cast's environment for so long, but he didn't mean to upset me. He didn't realize that he was interfering with a scene. He's an experienced actor and the set up for a scene was really obvious, but again, he didn't mean to intimidate me.

Kevin came back as the same character. When I spoke to his director, they used that as an excuse as to why he was using our environmental stage. He was that character two years ago. He was asked to leave the group. In my opinion, he is allowed to take the character with him if he wants. However, he is with a new cast, so I am of the opinion he should have developed a new character.

I am also of the opinion that if a cast asks you to leave, you leave. You don't come back with the same character. It's a large fair, you make a new place for yourself. Perhaps I am biased, though. I chose to leave a group. I took some time off. When I came back, I came back with a new character, one that had no association with my previous one. While I do go into the environment from time to time, I have never spent more than 30 to 40 minutes there. I do not use it as my stage. I respect the cast members who are working it all day and do my best not to step on their toes. 

The next day I spoke to my director, the stage director for my environment and Kevin's director. My director was very supportive. The environmental director listened, but couldn't commit to any action. They did promise to bring the problem up to the overall director of the fair. I don't expect anything to come of it. Kevin's director was very kind, but made excuses and told me that there wasn't much they could do.

Benjamin is playing a character at this fair. There is little to no interaction between Kevin and him and hasn't been in nearly two years. For some reason, Benjamin's director was told about my situation as though it related to him. I do not know why. I do not feel that there is any reason to involve him. I did not discuss him when I related the issues to the various directors. I am really frustrated that Benjamin got dragged into this. It is his first year doing the fair and playing a character. His director had to take him aside during the first weekend to deal with this drama. The rumors I heard it's because Ben has a reputation as a shit stirrer. I have no idea how somone who was pushed from every social group he shared and blackballed is a shit stirrer. I think that the person who spent most of Saturday stalking me is guilty of harassment, but what do I know?

For most of Sunday, Kevin was scarce on the ground. I don't know if anybody spoke to him or not, but he wasn't around our environment. I was just waiting for him to show up. I did not do anything akin to improve or acting. I spent the day playing with yarn. When my director went back stage, Kevin showed up, same place as Saturday. He sat right across from me. I ignored him. I got up to do my bit with Bill Sikes again and it went much better. When I returned, Kevin wasn't there. However between the stress of the day before and looking over my shoulder, I didn't want to play anymore.

I know that if I stop going to fair, I let Kevin win. The only way to deal with a bully is to take away their power. But I don't go to fair to deal with bullies and stalkers. I go to fair to escape my life. I already went through this once with Kevin two years ago. I do not understand why I have to deal with it again. I want to feel safe when I am with my cast. I am angry at Kevin for taking that away from me again.

I am even angrier that I've let him.

"When you open up your mouth to speak could you be a little weak..."

A friend of mine described how she ends being the ‘mum’ in a lot of her romantic relationships. The relationships go swimmingly until she asks her partner to take responsibility for themselves and take care of her every now and again.

it was all I could do not to say “preach on sister!”

I don’t think I am in the position, although I have seen similar end results. I want to be the good girl. I will be the mom if that is expected, but mostly I just want to please my partner, my friend, my teacher, whomever and get a pat on the head. That's all well and good until I start asking for too much and my partner decides I am too high maintenance.

I don’t know how to ask for what I want. I do as I am asked and I want to be rewarded for it. I’m not service oriented, per say, although I can get into that space. I just want people to be happy with me.

As long as I keep that attitude, I am destined to be disappointed. I believe that It’s impossible to make people truly happy, at least in a way that feels satisfying to me. If I have any failings as a teacher, caring that the students like me and are happy with me would be it. Good teachers are respected and then liked, perhaps loved. I am well-liked, but I don’t always think I am respected.

I have been struggling a lot with the idea that I am not only allowed to ask for things I want, but that I should. I can decide a situation is unfair. I can remove myself from that situation. It might disappoint someone when I do that, but it is all right to take care of myself, even if it makes someone else unhappy.

I can’t force people to treat me fairly. Allowing someone to walk all over me might make people like me, but they won’t respect me.

I just have to keep telling myself this over the next few days as I go to Dickens fair and face some personal challenges. I can’t get angry at people for walking all over me if I lay down in front of them and ask them to do so. No one can push me out of an area or make me feel like I do not belong unless I allow them to.

"All I need Is just a little more time..."

I am invalidating your feelings. I have to. It's not a matter of want or intention. But I have spent the majority of my life accepting what people give me and being thankful.

I didn't grow up in absolute poverty. My clothes were clean, there was food on the table and I didn't lack for the basics. However, Christmas and birthday presents always involved useful things like socks and clothes. There were times when there was no meat on the table and the food was of the cheapest quality. I remember burning newspaper logs because the gas to heat the house was too expensive. I remember not having a coat for the first freeze because there wasn't enough money to buy one when the fall turned too cold, too soon.

I grew up knowing that my obligation was to my children. My feelings didn't matter, my needs didn't matter. What mattered was making sure that they always had plenty to eat, warm clothes, and that I gave them a better life than I had. It was what I was taught and it was what I thought was the right thing to do.

I have succeeded (mostly). My children are grown and they never saw red beans and rice for dinner for days in a row. They always had new shoes, warm coats and while they did get practical things for presents, they also received things that they wanted, but didn't necessarily need.

I never learned to ask for what I wanted, because I had it. My children were safe, they were taken care of and they had a home.

Now I am supposed to know what I want. I am in the enviable position where I can consider myself first. I have never been in that position. I have always had to consider someone else, my mother, my father, my step-sister and then my spouse and children. I still have a spouse, but for the first time in my life I am not just allowed, but encouraged to think about what I want.

I am working on it, but it is slow going. Its much easier to just try and please other people, because it's what I know best. I am also finding that many people don't understand why spelling out my wants and needs is so difficult for me. I have decided that those are people that I don't need in my life right now. I can't explain 46 years of training and reinforcement that my needs don't matter to people who can't remember a time where their needs weren't relevant to the people around them.

Saying what I want and need feels selfish. Getting my needs and want met feels like I might be taking away from someone else, someone who is probably depending on me. It is very hard for me to separate these two ideas. If I am going to admit that I need something, it means that I trust the person. When someone can't communicate clearly what they are and are not willing to give, it's a problem that I don't have the tools to properly navigate.

I am not sure where to go from here, I guess just taking one step at a time and figuring it out as I go.

"It's my life..."

I miss going to social venues and just enjoying myself. However, what I am actually asking for is the ability to put my blinders back on. Before, I was able to pretend that men and women were equal and there were only a few outliers. Now I believe differently. I have found that men (and I am sorry, but it seems to be mostly people who ID as male) are in positions of power and they abuse that power to the detriment of many people, most of whom seem to be women or other marginalized populations.

I have lived this inequality for a long time. I worked in the tech field. I remember when I lost a promotion to a male colleague. The reason given was because I had been taken to the emergency room and no one had informed my job that I wouldn't be making it in to work that day. The person who did get the promotion was regularly late, missed work on at least one Monday per month (if not more). However he was also good friends with the male supervisor and so he got the promotion and I didn't. However, I am sure it was due to the greater qualifications of my colleague and because I nearly died in the hospital without telling anyone.

A while back, I joined a new dance community. I was invited by a male friend of mine who organizes and volunteers at many dance venues to attend more regularily. We were just friends with no intent to ever be more. I became part of the community, dancing ballroom, contra, Irish and other types of dance. It was wonderful to be dancing again! My friend and I even taught classes together.

Regrettably, I upset this friend and I found myself suddenly unwelcome at the venues that had once felt so open and welcoming. I can't place all the blame on the former friend. He never physically barred me from attending. However between my training not to be a "problem" and how unwelcome he made me feel, I dropped out of four social groups in the course of the month. People just assumed that I was making a mountain out of a molehill. I had people tell me to just ignore him.

Funny that it didn't occur to people how bad it was until he did the same crap to them. Even then, I still got push back. I still get push back.

It took months for me to point out to people that his behavior was juvenile and as a community leader, he was exercising social capital to exclude people that he did not like or want to share his dance venues. While many people have agreed with me and even spoken up, he is still a community organizer, he still teaches dances classes and his behavior is still tolerated. I believe a woman would have been removed from similar positions if she were to behave in the same manner.

I see it a lot. Men just assume that they should get their way. They get to decide the schedule. They get to decide when and where a conversation starts or ends. A man's feelings change and everyone has to accept that he is right and whatever he did a month ago should no longer matter. If one more man tells me that he deserves a clean slate because he "didn't intend..." I will scream.

Actions have consequences. I have paid the consequences for my actions. I lost my job when I was pregnant with my daughter, because I was pregnant. After we separated, my daughter's father decided I was flaky, since I couldn't keep a job. It never occurred to him that by taking the time off, by being the primary caregiver, by giving up my career, he was able to firmly establish his. All he could see is that I wasn't able to make as much money as he was and that my job history was less stable.

I could keep on ranting, but the people who need to read it, aren't going to. I am just going to end up preaching to the choir.

I can't go to fair, to a dance venue, to most social events without having to deal with the consequences of my choices and actions. I have lived in the bay area a long time and because I have done my best to own my responsibilities, I have also been tarred by them. I don't always like it, but that's been my reality for over 20 years.

The men who are finally getting called on their shit need to realize that there is no statute of limitations. When you hurt someone, when you violate their trust, when you are a selfish asshole, there is a price to be paid. Don't whine to me about being fair. Don't complain because I am the gatekeeper of my own feelings. Don't get angry because I refuse to perform the emotional labor after you have demonstrated how little you value it.

Men (and not all of you, but many of you) have fucked up at one time or another. I am sure you didn't mean to hurt someone, but you did. You have power and you have exercised it. Maybe you didn't mean to push so hard, but you did. Because of men who didn't realize their power or that they were abusing it, I have lost jobs, I have been pushed from social groups. I have been called horrible things, and I have had my integrity, my devotion, and my passion questioned.

Men, you need to ask consent, because there is still an unequal dynamic in this world. Women have been asking consent for our whole lives. If you find the consent thing difficult, welcome to our world and start taking notes; there will be a test.