"All I need Is just a little more time..."

I am invalidating your feelings. I have to. It's not a matter of want or intention. But I have spent the majority of my life accepting what people give me and being thankful.

I didn't grow up in absolute poverty. My clothes were clean, there was food on the table and I didn't lack for the basics. However, Christmas and birthday presents always involved useful things like socks and clothes. There were times when there was no meat on the table and the food was of the cheapest quality. I remember burning newspaper logs because the gas to heat the house was too expensive. I remember not having a coat for the first freeze because there wasn't enough money to buy one when the fall turned too cold, too soon.

I grew up knowing that my obligation was to my children. My feelings didn't matter, my needs didn't matter. What mattered was making sure that they always had plenty to eat, warm clothes, and that I gave them a better life than I had. It was what I was taught and it was what I thought was the right thing to do.

I have succeeded (mostly). My children are grown and they never saw red beans and rice for dinner for days in a row. They always had new shoes, warm coats and while they did get practical things for presents, they also received things that they wanted, but didn't necessarily need.

I never learned to ask for what I wanted, because I had it. My children were safe, they were taken care of and they had a home.

Now I am supposed to know what I want. I am in the enviable position where I can consider myself first. I have never been in that position. I have always had to consider someone else, my mother, my father, my step-sister and then my spouse and children. I still have a spouse, but for the first time in my life I am not just allowed, but encouraged to think about what I want.

I am working on it, but it is slow going. Its much easier to just try and please other people, because it's what I know best. I am also finding that many people don't understand why spelling out my wants and needs is so difficult for me. I have decided that those are people that I don't need in my life right now. I can't explain 46 years of training and reinforcement that my needs don't matter to people who can't remember a time where their needs weren't relevant to the people around them.

Saying what I want and need feels selfish. Getting my needs and want met feels like I might be taking away from someone else, someone who is probably depending on me. It is very hard for me to separate these two ideas. If I am going to admit that I need something, it means that I trust the person. When someone can't communicate clearly what they are and are not willing to give, it's a problem that I don't have the tools to properly navigate.

I am not sure where to go from here, I guess just taking one step at a time and figuring it out as I go.