"It's my life..."

I miss going to social venues and just enjoying myself. However, what I am actually asking for is the ability to put my blinders back on. Before, I was able to pretend that men and women were equal and there were only a few outliers. Now I believe differently. I have found that men (and I am sorry, but it seems to be mostly people who ID as male) are in positions of power and they abuse that power to the detriment of many people, most of whom seem to be women or other marginalized populations.

I have lived this inequality for a long time. I worked in the tech field. I remember when I lost a promotion to a male colleague. The reason given was because I had been taken to the emergency room and no one had informed my job that I wouldn't be making it in to work that day. The person who did get the promotion was regularly late, missed work on at least one Monday per month (if not more). However he was also good friends with the male supervisor and so he got the promotion and I didn't. However, I am sure it was due to the greater qualifications of my colleague and because I nearly died in the hospital without telling anyone.

A while back, I joined a new dance community. I was invited by a male friend of mine who organizes and volunteers at many dance venues to attend more regularily. We were just friends with no intent to ever be more. I became part of the community, dancing ballroom, contra, Irish and other types of dance. It was wonderful to be dancing again! My friend and I even taught classes together.

Regrettably, I upset this friend and I found myself suddenly unwelcome at the venues that had once felt so open and welcoming. I can't place all the blame on the former friend. He never physically barred me from attending. However between my training not to be a "problem" and how unwelcome he made me feel, I dropped out of four social groups in the course of the month. People just assumed that I was making a mountain out of a molehill. I had people tell me to just ignore him.

Funny that it didn't occur to people how bad it was until he did the same crap to them. Even then, I still got push back. I still get push back.

It took months for me to point out to people that his behavior was juvenile and as a community leader, he was exercising social capital to exclude people that he did not like or want to share his dance venues. While many people have agreed with me and even spoken up, he is still a community organizer, he still teaches dances classes and his behavior is still tolerated. I believe a woman would have been removed from similar positions if she were to behave in the same manner.

I see it a lot. Men just assume that they should get their way. They get to decide the schedule. They get to decide when and where a conversation starts or ends. A man's feelings change and everyone has to accept that he is right and whatever he did a month ago should no longer matter. If one more man tells me that he deserves a clean slate because he "didn't intend..." I will scream.

Actions have consequences. I have paid the consequences for my actions. I lost my job when I was pregnant with my daughter, because I was pregnant. After we separated, my daughter's father decided I was flaky, since I couldn't keep a job. It never occurred to him that by taking the time off, by being the primary caregiver, by giving up my career, he was able to firmly establish his. All he could see is that I wasn't able to make as much money as he was and that my job history was less stable.

I could keep on ranting, but the people who need to read it, aren't going to. I am just going to end up preaching to the choir.

I can't go to fair, to a dance venue, to most social events without having to deal with the consequences of my choices and actions. I have lived in the bay area a long time and because I have done my best to own my responsibilities, I have also been tarred by them. I don't always like it, but that's been my reality for over 20 years.

The men who are finally getting called on their shit need to realize that there is no statute of limitations. When you hurt someone, when you violate their trust, when you are a selfish asshole, there is a price to be paid. Don't whine to me about being fair. Don't complain because I am the gatekeeper of my own feelings. Don't get angry because I refuse to perform the emotional labor after you have demonstrated how little you value it.

Men (and not all of you, but many of you) have fucked up at one time or another. I am sure you didn't mean to hurt someone, but you did. You have power and you have exercised it. Maybe you didn't mean to push so hard, but you did. Because of men who didn't realize their power or that they were abusing it, I have lost jobs, I have been pushed from social groups. I have been called horrible things, and I have had my integrity, my devotion, and my passion questioned.

Men, you need to ask consent, because there is still an unequal dynamic in this world. Women have been asking consent for our whole lives. If you find the consent thing difficult, welcome to our world and start taking notes; there will be a test.