Feeling Powerless

I feel incredibly powerless right now. It sucks and I hate it. I know that's not terribly eloquent, but I don't know a better way to put it. Feeling powerless sucks.

I feel powerless at my job. I don't feel trusted as a professional. I don't feel like I have control over my work. I feel like I am not accomplishing anything.

I feel powerless in my marriage. I love my husband, but there are some issues that aren't getting addressed and I don't know how to fix them. I don't know how to communicate with him these days.

I feel powerless in my relationship with my family. I know that my mother is slipping, but I don't know how to fix it. She won't listen to me and if she moves out of her home, she loses it. I can't really afford to provide her with in home care. It's going to get worse before it gets better.

I feel powerless as a woman. A man harassed me, stalked me, and verbally abused me. I am defending my space while people tell me not to make such a big deal about it. In fact, I have been told to stop talking about him, because I am blowing things out of proportion. This shit has been going on for over two years. I have stayed out of his way, out of his social space and kept quiet about what happened. It didn't make things better, they got worse. He upped his game and lied to people about me to make himself seem like the victim. People didn't believe me. It took three other people speaking on my behalf for his behavior to be addressed and what was done was minimal.

I feel powerless in other relationships. I feel like my feelings don't matter. I don't mean just one person. I mean people who have asked me for things and then been angry at me for saying no. I don't mean to make anyone feel defensive. This isn't about a person asking me for a ride or to help them out. This is about emotional labor or consideration when I feel it isn't returned and feeling like I am the one who is at fault. (This is a common problem for Adult Children of Alcoholics and should not be taken personally by anyone.)

I feel powerless and I am really tired of it.

I don't have a song today. I couldn't find one that worked for me. So here's a quote instead:

“There is a central flaw in contemporary culture and a corresponding and related inability to address it. Society seems somehow unable to adequately help or protect itself. Normal citizens feel powerless, isolated and disturbed.” 
- Michael Leunig

There is a central flaw in contemporary culture and a corresponding and related inability to address it. Society seems somehow unable to adequately help or protect itself. Normal citizens feel powerless, isolated and disturbed. Michael Leunig
Read more at: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/michael_leunig_6694

"Letting the days go by, let the water hold me down..."

I do not know how to explain how something that occurred 3000 miles away can have such an impact on my life. In the grand scheme of things, I don’t know anyone in Florida or Maryland who have children in school or who are teachers. However, every time there is a school shooting, it becomes that much harder to go to work and do my job. 

I understand that the events of 9/11 were much different in both their severity and because of the coordination by terrorist forces. However, in the years since, Americans have willingly suspended their 4^th Amendment rights in the name of safety. We take off our shoes, allow our bags to be searched, submit to full body scans and otherwise allow serious violations of our privacy so that people can feel that they are flying safely. One horrible day and the way we travel was completely changed. 

I do not understand why it is so difficult to make schools safe. What will it take before something is done? Why are some people's 2^nd Amendment rights more important than the lives of children?

I am not advocating for gun control, better health care, or anything else. I don’t know the answer.

What I do know is that I do not feel safe at my job. I know that my district is dragging their feet on giving the teachers a decent living wage. I know that I don’t feel fulfilled but overworked and frustrated. 

There is a project I am interested in working on for the next two years, but that is the only thing that is even slightly appealing about staying in teaching. Teaching isn’t like a regular job. If I decide I am not going to come back in the next year (and I want to just take a year off and not quit teaching) I should say something soon so that my district can put in a temporary request to fill my position.

I just don’t know what I want to do. I know I won’t make any decisions until I have had my spring break. I am hoping that if I plan a careful summer (lots of rest and relaxation, but also getting my home life more organized) I will feel better. But I can’t wait until summer to make a decision, so I have to either have faith that I will recover or guess that I won’t. 

I know part of the problem is that there are other parts of my life that are very stressful. I have discussed those problems already. There are some I could cut out of my life, with the assumption that the short term pain would be worth the longer term benefit. There are some I have to deal with for the foreseeable future. 

I am tired of being anxious all the time. It’s exhausting. I feel like I need to do something for my health and general well-being, I just don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like my fears are stupid, that a shooting is unlikely to happen at my school. However, getting to work for the past few weeks has been getting more and more difficult. 

"'Cause every time I open up, it hurts..."

I was in a good mood last night. There was a work social thingy and I had a nice time. I had a couple of drinks, so I decided to wander around the nearby shopping center.

As I went up the escalator, I felt the elation drain and the brain weasels kicked in. Did I talk too much? Did I say the wrong things? Did I overstay my welcome? The social anxiety squirrel sat on my shoulder and chittered in my ear, ruining my good time.

I did what one is supposed to do. I spoke to someone who I thought I could trust. Regrettably, I chose the wrong friend. I mentioned to them that I was agonizing over how things went at the social. We texted back and forth for a bit and then I sent them a picture of a pair of shoes that were on sale.

They got back to me a few minutes later telling me how horrible they looked. Of course, I had just bought them. I felt like an idiot. Maybe the shoes weren’t as quirky as I thought. My social anxiety jumped up two more notches.

The conversation petered out even though we still had to discuss logistics for the weekend. I just didn’t want to feel worse and they told me that they had to go. I figured that I could figure out my own logistics.

This morning, I tried to tell the friend how I was feeling. My mood was already frustrated because there were social media rumors of a possible threat at two of the high schools at my district. That was the first thing I learned upon getting to work.

I tried to carefully and calmly express my frustration about communication with the friend.

There response was less than helpful.
 - They had already told me the plans
 - The plans were on the calendar
 - and if I didn’t look at them, that was on me.

I apologized for overreacting and stopped talking to them.

Now I am spilling tea about them and I know that they can read this blog. I am not trying to be passive aggressive. I did try to talk to them directly.

I think that’s the problem with my social anxiety. It builds across relationships. So if a bad thing happened at work, I am going to carry it into my personal life. I don’t want friends and family to always be Suzy Sunshine and Positive. However, if I am asking about something, telling me all the reasons I should already know doesn’t make me want to improve or check calendars.

It makes me stop talking to them. I don’t know how to tell people that something they said hurt me. I mean I do. However, when I just get told what I did wrong; when I am told that I am overreacting, I just give up. If the person asks me again, contacts me, whatever, I don’t think I would turn them away. But people don’t see it that way. A few people have told me that it feels like I’m ghosting.

So I guess it is my problem. I think I tried to tell the person what was wrong. I think they told me to quit being a crybaby, so I just go away and don’t bother them again.

This has been happening more and more frequently. I can’t even get proper read from my therapist. She only knows me and she can guess but she isn’t involved in the situations. I also can’t see her until April. I meant to find a new therapist, but I haven’t made the time.

I am going to a thing tonight, but I am so nervous and anxious that I haven’t been able to eat. I want to go, but I am worried about the people I might see and how much of a screw up I will be. I hate this. I hate it so much. It’s why I don’t go out anymore. I just feel so damn broken all the time.

"You know I'd like to keep my cheeks dry today..."

I am thinking about leaving the teaching profession. I have been considering it very carefully.

There are a lot of reasons for me to stay. Simply, I adore teaching.

The reasons I am considering leaving:

• The pay is awful. I have been dealing with furlough days, no contract, no medical, and other salary issues since I started teaching. I could not live where I do if I weren't married to my husband.
• I am lonely. Teaching is a lonely profession. There is no cubicle culture, no one to talk to about the game or what happened on American Idol or whatever. It takes a lot of effort to maintain social contact with my colleagues. 
• Due to issues with the union and my district, collaboration has become a structured nightmare.
• I am a professional. I am tired of people who have never been in a classroom telling me how I should do my job. I am tired of people not trusting that I can collaborate with my colleagues without providing proof and documentation in triplicate. 
• Why am I expected to throw myself in front of gunman? Don't get me wrong, I understand that teaching is taking care of a group of students. However there is a huge difference between making sure that they are safe in case of fire and protecting them while in the line of fire.
• I am tired of the never ending work. No one ever trained me on how to assign homework, to grade, to assess, to work in a classroom. I was taught a bunch of theory and how to deal with students who didn't want to be in school. Teaching is a profession that we seem to learn on the fly and I often feel like I am in way over my head.

The stress and frustration is having a negative impact my health. I had to take a month off last year. This year I have had continuing issues with stress. I know I would miss the classroom and the interaction with the students. I would miss summers, but I am not sure that those things are enough to keep me in the classroom.

I haven't made any decisions yet and I don't know that I really want to go back to the private sector. I just know that going to work doesn't bring me much joy or satisfaction and with a job like teaching, if you don't love it, it's not worth doing.

Today's song was one I heard on the way into work.

"But though you're still with me, I've been alone all along..."

What is normal or typical?

Yesterday I wrote about how intensely I feel things. I lack a guide for what is appropriate. When I ask, people tell me that I should feel comfortable asking to get my needs met.

Trust me, that doesn't work and I am tired of feeling ignored, needy and being told I am too intense. Could I just get some rules?

I mean, um...I am asking for a friend.

• If your partner or spouse is traveling, what is the minimal amount of contact that should be expected?
• If you are falling apart, how much support is it all right to ask for?
• If you are falling apart, are you allowed to interrupt your partner, spouse, friend, lover, etc?

I feel like I am pretty supportive of my partners. I don't feel particularly supported right now. I have been told that it is because I don't ask for what I want. I feel like I have asked and after being told to fuck off so many times, I have just stopped asking.

And while yes, this could be about X, Y, or maybe my ex-husband, Z. T. I am really just frustrated in general.

I could go on, but it would devolve into whining.

"Caught between confusion and pain..."

A few years ago I was diagnosed with ADHD. I keep learning more and more about it and how many ways I have compensated. This past week has been way too much adjustment and coping for my taste. However, thanks to a friend, I was introduced to an article that really explained a lot of it to me. 

I have always come down very hard on myself for being such a procrastinator. I never realized that there is a far better term: Interest-Based Nervous System. I am an academic, so I am including my sources, but I realize that people aren't going to click on the links. They are just there if you want them. I can be incredibly focused on things that interest me. I can dive into a video game, a novel, a project, with gusto and be happy as a clam. However, grading papers or cleaning the garage can feel impossible. I know that it should be done, but actually doing it can feel nearly impossible. I spend a lot of energy just making sure that I do the things I should be doing, not the things I want to be doing.

People may think that everyone has those days, where they would prefer to watch TV or play games. That is my day every day, every hour. I am constantly reminding myself that I have to do X, Y, or Z. I am constantly having to police my behavior.

I never thought of ADHD being an emotional disorder. I always knew that I was "intense". I knew that I experience emotions and feelings at a depth and speed that most people simply don't understand. I don't know if people realize how frequently I am hiding what I am feeling because I don't want to frighten them away.

I have been told it makes me seem very aloof. I might feel something cutting me to the core, but my face will barely register that I have been hurt. However after years of being told that I am taking things too personally and reacting too intensely, I have gotten to the point of figuring that I am not supposed to react at all. A lot of people seem to think that I don't feel at all.

I do, I feel a lot.

What I feel most is rejection. I can't think of anything that cuts me more deeply than feeling rejected.

I am going to talk about Kevin. I know it's emotionally loaded, but I believe that our interactions exemplify some of these issues.

Kevin and I were acquaintances who became friends. We danced together, we went to shows, we hung out, we texted every day. I would have called us quite close. Kevin was having some issues with an ex-boyfriend. I was dating said ex at the time. (That's a whole story, but that's not the point of this one.) I have to wonder if Kevin ever understood how hard I worked to be supportive of his feelings while dating someone that he was constantly frustrated and angry with. I know that he was surprised when I asked him if we could not discuss his ex while we were doing a show together. I told him that we could talk about his ex during the week, but while at the show, I just needed to focus on my part and staying in character.

That was the end of my friendship with Kevin.

What followed was a spiral of rejection that I still haven't recovered from. Kevin and I could no longer work together. We managed to share a stage, but the backstage stuff was horrible. I am not sure our cast mates realized how deeply hurt I was, probably because I didn't tell them. I felt like they took Kevin's side. Kevin rejected me, I felt like my cast and director rejected me and so I dropped out of the show.

I returned the next year and Kevin did not. I was able to rebuild my relationship with my cast. A couple of them also struggle with ADHD and they were wonderfully understanding of my much cheerleading I needed just to show up for rehearsals, much less perform.

This past year Kevin rejoined the show as a part of a dance cast. We (mostly) managed to avoid each other. However, it felt like his new cast (many of whom are friends or acquaintances of mine) no longer wanted me around. I felt rejected by them and so I avoided (and still avoid) them. I knew in my brain that they were likely avoiding interpersonal drama, but that didn't change the fact that I felt the rejection.

I haven't been dancing because even where Kevin won't be, maybe those people will be and they probably don't like me anyway.

I know, in my head, that this is all bullshit. But that's the problem with my ADHD brain, knowing that it isn't really personal or a rejection doesn't matter.

"RSD (Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria) can make people with ADHD anticipate rejection — even when it is anything but certain. This can make them vigilant about avoiding it, which can be misdiagnosed as social phobia. Social phobia is an intense anticipatory fear that you will embarrass or humiliate yourself in public, or that you will be scrutinized harshly by the outside world."

I don't know how to explain how challenging it was to return to dancing after what happened with Kevin. I did and it was the hardest thing I have done in a long time. Unfortunately, after my return, I felt rejected by two other people in the dance community. One of them is a friend of Kevin's and their rejection hurt so much that I ended up walking around San Francisco for an hour, waiting for the dance event to be over so I could get a ride home. I have not attended a dance event in SF since. The other person has almost no connection to Kevin and their (perceived) rejection of me had nothing to do with dance. Regardless, I haven't been to any dance event since. I miss dancing, but the anxiety is so severe and so deep that I am not sure I could ask anyone to dance. I figure there is no point in attending if I just sit on the side, rocking myself like a crazy person, because no one will ask me.

In the past week, the hyper-focus, the emotional intensity and the deep feelings of rejection all happened in the course of a couple of days. I tried to protect myself, but everything was stripped bare and I was left raw. I fell asleep crying last night. I knew that it wasn't real, that things will sort themselves out in a few days. It didn't matter. I was exhausted and tired but my brain would not stop spinning. I didn't fall asleep until after midnight. I woke up sick and exhausted this morning and barely made it to work on time.

What makes it worse is that I know that the feeling of rejection will not fade, will not ease. I just have to process it through and wait it out, because the person that I feel rejected by couldn't be bothered to resolve in a timely manner due to other priorities. (The person involved is not to blame for my ADHD issues. However, I disagree with their handling of the situation and even more so with their timing.)

Today's song isn't perfect, but the feeling of it comes close to how I'm feeling, over the top emotional. :-)

"But in order to root out the cancer..."

I had my second visit with my new psychiatrist. The overall diagnosis, I need to get rid of some of the stress in my life.

HA! If that isn't the understatement of the year.

I know she is right. I allow too much stress in my life.

I have a stressful job. I love teaching, but I need to manage my workload better if I am to make it less stressful. My psychiatrist and I decided to add an ADHD medication back into my daily regime. I am hoping that better focus will help me better tackle my workload. I am concerned about my blood pressure, but the hope is that the impact will be minimal. That said, I will need to get a blood pressure monitor and start checking it daily.

Mmmmm, tasty, tasty data. I need to start charting my numbers and get a better grasp of what's going on with my body.

So that’s a step toward dealing with the job stress.

The personal stuff is a little more difficult. Dancing was a way that I  restored my equilibrium. I cannot recall the last time I went dancing. Regrettably, dancing is no longer restorative. I feel that I have to deal with an angry child who has a history of throwing public tantrums. I don’t feel comfortable attending the country style dances because I know that this person will break a set (refuse to hold hands, do figures and dance) with someone that they don’t like. I don't believe that anyone one has called them on their behavior. In fact, this person is in positions of leadership in many dance communities, so I guess I must be wrong and they aren't doing anything that would push people out. (That's sarcasm, by the way. I am tired of no one giving a shit and just letting the situation continue, but I guess charismatic people get a different set of rules.)

Perhaps I am bitter and angry, but I guess I need to find a different restorative and physical endeavor that doesn't involve people  to reduce my stress.

I don’t want to suggest that one person is responsible for my stress. I don’t want to give anyone that sort of power over me. However, social anxiety and other factors make attending dance events stressful, not restorative. I will look into other dance communities in the future, but not now.

The other personal stuff, to paraphrase the wonderful wording of a friend of mine, involves me sponging up too much angst that mostly does not involve me. The angst is exacerbated by silence, tantrums, emotional meltdowns and communication issues. I no longer talk to anyone about my issues with this person because I know that most people would tell me to DTMFA and would ask me why I haven’t already. I can't think of anyone who would support me continuing this relationship

I have not ended it already because sometimes staying in a bad situation is better than dealing with change. However after talking to my psychiatrist yesterday, I feel I am  running out of options. I can't pretend that I am not doing this to myself.

I watched my heart rate yesterday and tracked it really closely. It elevated because of said bad situation and spiked a couple of times during the evening. My heart rate never settled below 74, That’s too damn high for a resting heart rate. I was watching closely because I have been taking sudafed for my sinus infection. In fact, I didn’t take any last night because I was so worried about my blood pressure.

I didn’t sleep well. My sinuses were probably part of the problem, but I believe that stress was a huge factor in my lack of sleep.

I am not sure if ending this relationship will improve my stress issues, but I doubt it will make them worse, at least not in the long run. It's not what I want to do, but I guess that isn't a factor anymore. I just don't want to go through a big change. I want life to be calm while I sort things out. A few months ago my therapist suggested that I wait making any changes regarding this relationship until other things settled down. I don't think she'd make the same recommendation now.

So today's song is Severed with that idea in mind.

"And if I left you there, would you know why?"

Last night I had my spinach moment. "That's all I can stands, and I can't stands no more!" (The article defines it as a huge change, but I just learned that it's a moment where you won't turn back.)

 All of the rage, frustration, and feelings of being thwarted bubbled to the surface and just poured out of me.

I don't think I recognized how angry I have been. While I have been doing all the things to help my TMJ, this morning was the first one in a long while where I didn't wake up in excruciating pain. Today, I felt a little sore on the way to work and realized that I hadn't taken anything for the pain before leaving home.

Regrettably, my anger wasn't a righteous riot against a bully. There was no Bluto and I wasn't protecting Olive Oyl. As my students would say, I am salty. My anger was directed to the correct person, but I had been holding on to it for too long. It came out in a stream of vitriol and poison.

I don't know what I want to do now. I drew a boundary and I guess I'll see what happens, if anything.

I heard today's song on the way to work and it seemed appropriate.