As I went up the escalator, I felt the elation drain and the brain weasels kicked in. Did I talk too much? Did I say the wrong things? Did I overstay my welcome? The social anxiety squirrel sat on my shoulder and chittered in my ear, ruining my good time.
I did what one is supposed to do. I spoke to someone who I thought I could trust. Regrettably, I chose the wrong friend. I mentioned to them that I was agonizing over how things went at the social. We texted back and forth for a bit and then I sent them a picture of a pair of shoes that were on sale.
They got back to me a few minutes later telling me how horrible they looked. Of course, I had just bought them. I felt like an idiot. Maybe the shoes weren’t as quirky as I thought. My social anxiety jumped up two more notches.
The conversation petered out even though we still had to discuss logistics for the weekend. I just didn’t want to feel worse and they told me that they had to go. I figured that I could figure out my own logistics.
This morning, I tried to tell the friend how I was feeling. My mood was already frustrated because there were social media rumors of a possible threat at two of the high schools at my district. That was the first thing I learned upon getting to work.
I tried to carefully and calmly express my frustration about communication with the friend.
There response was less than helpful.
- They had already told me the plans
- The plans were on the calendar
- and if I didn’t look at them, that was on me.
I apologized for overreacting and stopped talking to them.
Now I am spilling tea about them and I know that they can read this blog. I am not trying to be passive aggressive. I did try to talk to them directly.
I think that’s the problem with my social anxiety. It builds across relationships. So if a bad thing happened at work, I am going to carry it into my personal life. I don’t want friends and family to always be Suzy Sunshine and Positive. However, if I am asking about something, telling me all the reasons I should already know doesn’t make me want to improve or check calendars.
It makes me stop talking to them. I don’t know how to tell people that something they said hurt me. I mean I do. However, when I just get told what I did wrong; when I am told that I am overreacting, I just give up. If the person asks me again, contacts me, whatever, I don’t think I would turn them away. But people don’t see it that way. A few people have told me that it feels like I’m ghosting.
So I guess it is my problem. I think I tried to tell the person what was wrong. I think they told me to quit being a crybaby, so I just go away and don’t bother them again.
This has been happening more and more frequently. I can’t even get proper read from my therapist. She only knows me and she can guess but she isn’t involved in the situations. I also can’t see her until April. I meant to find a new therapist, but I haven’t made the time.
I am going to a thing tonight, but I am so nervous and anxious that I haven’t been able to eat. I want to go, but I am worried about the people I might see and how much of a screw up I will be. I hate this. I hate it so much. It’s why I don’t go out anymore. I just feel so damn broken all the time.
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