"Letting the days go by, let the water hold me down..."

I do not know how to explain how something that occurred 3000 miles away can have such an impact on my life. In the grand scheme of things, I don’t know anyone in Florida or Maryland who have children in school or who are teachers. However, every time there is a school shooting, it becomes that much harder to go to work and do my job. 

I understand that the events of 9/11 were much different in both their severity and because of the coordination by terrorist forces. However, in the years since, Americans have willingly suspended their 4^th Amendment rights in the name of safety. We take off our shoes, allow our bags to be searched, submit to full body scans and otherwise allow serious violations of our privacy so that people can feel that they are flying safely. One horrible day and the way we travel was completely changed. 

I do not understand why it is so difficult to make schools safe. What will it take before something is done? Why are some people's 2^nd Amendment rights more important than the lives of children?

I am not advocating for gun control, better health care, or anything else. I don’t know the answer.

What I do know is that I do not feel safe at my job. I know that my district is dragging their feet on giving the teachers a decent living wage. I know that I don’t feel fulfilled but overworked and frustrated. 

There is a project I am interested in working on for the next two years, but that is the only thing that is even slightly appealing about staying in teaching. Teaching isn’t like a regular job. If I decide I am not going to come back in the next year (and I want to just take a year off and not quit teaching) I should say something soon so that my district can put in a temporary request to fill my position.

I just don’t know what I want to do. I know I won’t make any decisions until I have had my spring break. I am hoping that if I plan a careful summer (lots of rest and relaxation, but also getting my home life more organized) I will feel better. But I can’t wait until summer to make a decision, so I have to either have faith that I will recover or guess that I won’t. 

I know part of the problem is that there are other parts of my life that are very stressful. I have discussed those problems already. There are some I could cut out of my life, with the assumption that the short term pain would be worth the longer term benefit. There are some I have to deal with for the foreseeable future. 

I am tired of being anxious all the time. It’s exhausting. I feel like I need to do something for my health and general well-being, I just don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like my fears are stupid, that a shooting is unlikely to happen at my school. However, getting to work for the past few weeks has been getting more and more difficult.