"R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what it means to me"

I realized something last night/this morning. I realized why dealing with DA has been such an issue for me.

While he has been fairly quiet and left me alone during the week, it seems that during many of the weekends of fair, he would take an action and violate a boundary because he assumed consent instead of asking me.

A good example would be the past two weekends and seeing DA and his parents. Yes, I told him that he was welcome to bring his parents over to see me at fair. However, I didn't mean that he could spring them on me without any warning. It was an invitation, not a commitment to be available at any point during the run.

DA told me that we could talk yesterday evening. When last evening came along, he changed his mind and said that he wasn't up for it. He expected to postpone our discussion without a fuss. He changed his mind, but I doubt it occurred to him that I might want to change mine the past two weekends.

I don't know if he does this to other people. I have the feeling that I am a somewhat unusual case. DA and I met four years ago today. Until a few months ago, I wouldn't have needed or expected any consideration from him in public spaces. We used to talk frequently enough that it was easy to make DA aware if I wasn't available.

I don't think DA understands that if he isn't communicating with me on a regular basis, every interaction has to involve consent on both sides. It doesn't have to be a big deal, but catching me the morning that his dad is visiting, when I am rushing around, is not how I feel that consent or respecting boundaries works


Regrettably, I don't know how to fix it nor do I think I should have to.

Today's song is pretty damn obvious, so I will go with it.

Today's Song - Respect by Aretha Franklin

"It's like you're a ghost that's haunting me..."

I am messed up. I am an emotional basket case and I fucking hate it.

The stuff with DA this past weekend started an emotional cascade failure yesterday and so I ended up cancelling my plans last night. Rope Guy and I haven’t seen each other for 10 days, but I simply was too emotionally screwed up to see him.

It was bad yesterday and it’s only slightly better today. I can’t eat. I can’t focus. I don’t want to go to bed and I don’t want to wake up. I am way behind at work and honestly, I don’t really care. Depression can kiss my ass.

I am tired. I know that makes me more emotional and impairs my judgement. I am also frustrated. I don’t want to feel anything about DA. I want my feelings to go away and never come back. I just wish I had never met him. My life would be so much easier.

Even if that isn’t true, this is the second time I have let my crap around fair and DA mess up my plans with Rope Guy. He seems to understand, but I don’t know how much more latitude he is going to give me. I know he was disappointed and hurt that I couldn’t keep our plans last night.

He was really decent about it. He let me vent and bit.Then he said something really intuitive and nice:   

“You told me that [DA] fed your heart in ways you didn’t even realize were possible.

That’s a rare experience. My hypothesis is that, while giving up the romantic relationship with him was messy, *this* is a much bigger loss for you, the deepest kind of hurt. I think perhaps you were hoping to avoid some of it by remaining friends. That could have left you unprepared for the magnitude of the loss.

What do you think?” (posted with permission)

I see his point. I don't want to acknowledge it, but I think I understand what Rope Guy is saying. I always knew that my romantic relationship with DA was short term. However, he told me that we would always be friends. Even when his ex or Primary would tell him that he should get rid of me, he always told me (and them) that no one would tell him who he could and could not have in his life. Both his ex and Primary have known him longer than he has known me. So if he wouldn't cut me out of his life for them, why would he do it for this woman he met in June?

I can't answer that, I only know that it feels like he has. I might be able to understand and chalk it up to "stupid boy" but I can't forgive him.

I am sick and tired my lingering feelings for DA messing with me. I am frustrated that the rules seem to change every week. After two weeks of him ignoring me, I am really angry that he decided to talk to me just to ask a favor. When I challenged him on it (and pushed really hard to even get a response), DA complained that I gave him too much to process. ARGH!!!!

I will be so relieved when I won't have to see him every week. I don't want to be friends. I just want to heal and not hurt. I want to get on with my life and quit feeling held back.

I don't know how I haven't used this song already. (Maybe I have) This is how I have been feeling for a while about DA. He's not even real anymore. He's just an emotional crack boy and I really, really wish I had never started the habit. 

Today's Song: Addicted by Kelly Clarkson

"All Shades, all hues, all blues..."

It has been an eventful few days and since a lot of it has to do with fair, I am not supposed to say anything. Let's just say that I am sick and tired of people telling me that my feelings aren't relevant because someone else regrets that their actions have ongoing consequences. I want to be respectful of people's needs. Recently, it has felt like I am expected to be the one to give way because I am functional. Can someone explain to me what advantage there is in being functional if all that happens is that I am expected to take care of everyone else, but can't get my own needs met?

Yes, I am whinging. I'll get over it.

I have been very concerned about telling Keto and Rope Guy too much about my feelings regarding DA. I feel like I am damaged goods. On the other hand, I don't want to lie to them either.

As I mentioned here before, DA and I had come to a somewhat uncomfortable, but workable dètente. DA and his father stopped by my area of fair the weekend before this most recent one. I was polite to them both. When I ran into his father later, I fielded some minor grilling without letting Dad know how I felt about what DA was doing. While I don't usually condone lying to parents, I understood from the beginning that DA was not going to explain to his family about his non-monogamous choices. I supported his reasoning than and still do. I specifically told him that he could bring his parents by when they came to visit this season and that I would not say anything untoward. I like his parents and I am gratified that they wanted to see me during their visit.

DA's mother came out this past weekend. DA sent me a text on Saturday morning, but well after the opening of fair. I saw his mother and her friend long before I saw his text. I was polite and pleasant, although it felt a bit awkward. (His mother isn't stupid and I think she knows that something is amiss, since he didn't accompany her to see me or his other ex who is at fair.) I ran into DA later and I mentioned that I had seen her. He asked me if I had seen his text and explained that his mother and he hoped that I would give his mother's friend the "tart treatment".

There is so much to unpack there, but I don't want this entry to be all about DA, so I will try to leave it at this.

1. His roommate is a tart (and my fucking director), he could have asked her. 
2. It was the first time he had contacted me in weeks and it was to ask me a favor.
3. He was clueless as to why asking me to do him a favor would be an issue.

I snapped. I responded to his text and said, "We aren’t friends, by your demand. I’m sorry that is inconvenient for you and your mother. I did not tell you that you can’t be in contact with your exes.

I was happy to see your mother, but this is the request you make of a friend. If your mother wants it, you are welcome to give her my number. 

I understand why you have to lie to your parents. However if [your girlfriend] doesn’t want you to speak to me, then don't. Further, don’t put yourself in the position to lie to your girlfriend. You think that you would have learned that fucking lesson by now.

Leave me alone, DA! You made this stupid fucking choice. We aren’t friends now. We won’t get to be friends just because [your girlfriend] is no longer [abroad]. By your choice, we will never be friends. I know that, even if you are too stupid to realize it."

Today, Rope Guy started asking some pointed questions about my history with DA and my current feelings. He made some difficult (but true) observations.

(posted without his permission) "That’s the core of the hurt, isn’t it? DA chose to be with someone who expects to dictate who he can talk to. He’d prefer to deal with it by dishonesty rather than standing up and saying 'Rachel is too important to me for me to agree to that.' So he’s not even understanding how he rejected you...he doesn’t see that he has."

There is a reason I am taken with the man. He put my feelings into better words than I could.

However, he followed that up with" "And I’m going to insert my own needs in here for a moment. The emotional power [DA] has over you makes me frightened that I will be competing with him for your attention when he is back in your life."

And he is right, because I don't want to think what would happen if DA were to come back into my life. However, it made me realize that I don't want DA. As good as this season of fair has been, I will be so glad when I don't have to see DA every week. These past few months have been a constant reminder of how unhealthy my relationship with DA has been and how it won't get better.

All I could do is assure Rope Guy that even if DA were to dump his girlfriend right now and beg me to take him back, I know I would say no. I have worked too damn hard to get to where I am now to consider anything else. I also said that I would understand if he'd prefer to put things on hold with me.

I really appreciated his response (again reprinted without permission): "I don’t think you’re a bad choice for me. :-) I do acknowledge that I see risks to our relationship but I think that’s manageable. And the idea of going away and coming back when you are better is making me very sad, so that’s not my preferred option. "

Rope Guy and I have a lot more to discuss, although I am not sure how to best deal with it all.

I don't have a great song for today. Rope Guy is a jazz bass player, so I am going to use a jazz piece that he told me has his favorite bass part.

Today's Song - All Blues by Miles Davis

"An introverted spectacle..."

I did this pull a while ago and it's been sitting on my phone. I am not sure what to make of it.

	The Celtic Cross spread is one of the most popular Tarot spreads, providing varied insight into many aspects of a complex situation and your role in it. The Rider Waite Tarot is the most widely recognized Tarot deck, and the first deck published in the 20th century. It was created by members of the Hermetic Order of the Golden Dawn, and is especially suited to questions of a mystical nature.
	The card not shown but at the center of the cross, represents the atmosphere surrounding the central issue. Eight of Swords (Interference), when reversed: Learning a valuable lesson from the unexpected consequences of prior decisions. Narrowly escaping criticism, censure, and the imposition of external restrictions. Focusing on the crux of a problem and freeing oneself from a difficult situation. Coming to grips with a past failure or humiliation and moving on.
	The card visible at the center of the cross represents the obstacle that stands in your way - it may even be something that sounds good but is not actually to your benefit. Two of Wands (Dominion): Established power and influence over others. Setting goals and a vision for the future. Coming to grips with the impact of past decisions, considering the current state of affairs, and developing a plan of action. Responsible leadership.
	The card at the top of the cross represents your goal, or the best you can achieve without a dramatic change of priorities. Nine of Swords (Cruelty): Debilitating mental anguish or ill health. Being dragged down by the dishonor of others. Participation in a shameful or regrettable act. Inescapable guilt, mistrust, and doubt. May indicate a death or other catastrophic loss.
	The card at the bottom of the cross represents the foundation on which the situation is based. King of Cups, when reversed: The dark essence of water behaving as air, such as rain clouds in a gray sky: A pillar of maturity and patience, hiding a deep insecurity and an indecisive nature. One who secretly lusts for power, but lacks the courage, intellect, or work ethic necessary to take it. A charming seducer who appears innocent and understanding, but is in fact selfish and unfaithful.
	The card at the left of the cross represents a passing influence or something to be released. Three of Swords (Sorrow): Unsettling news leading to heartbreak or loneliness. Tactless or hurtful words. Acting without consideration for the emotions of others. Betrayal of trust or confidence. The revelation of a painful truth.
	The card at the right of the cross represents an approaching influence or something to be embraced. Ten of Swords (Ruin), when reversed: The darkness before the dawn. An end to suffering, leading to spiritual transformation. A crushing and seemingly total defeat that hides within it the seeds of final victory. Ultimate knowledge gained through ultimate sacrifice.
	The card at the base of the staff represents your role or attitude. Two of Swords (Peace), when reversed: Indecision due to contradictory characteristics brought together. Tension in the aftermath of a quarrel that has been resolved. Scheming, abuse of trust, and agreements made in bad faith. Allowing the mind to block off the emotions. Self deception as a means of justifying cruel acts.
	The card second from the bottom of the staff represents your environment and the people you are interacting with. The Hanged Man, when reversed: Life in suspension. Selfish, materialistic, and untrusting attitudes. Unwillingness to make necessary sacrifices. Going along with the crowd, and refusing to hear the inner voice. Concessions and appeasements that backfire.
	The card second from the top of the staff represents your hopes, fears, or an unexpected element that will come into play. Ten of Wands (Oppression): Success and gain, leading you to take on a burden greater than you can carry. Noble leadership transformed, through lack of restraint, into tyranny. The crushing weight of ultimate responsibility. Having spent their fuel, the engines of creation grind to a halt.
	The card at the top of the staff represents the ultimate outcome should you continue on this course. Knight of Wands: The essence of fire, such a great conflagration. One filled with vitality and passion for life. A sexy and exciting person, daring in their actions, cocky in their attitude, and utterly without fear. Absolute sincerity, coupled with violent emotions that swing wildly from one extreme to another. Boundless creativity and lust for a change of both pace and place. The rapid approach, or more likely departure, of something that sets your world ablaze. Often suggests travel or escape.

Today's Song is by one of my favorite artists and the reason should be obvious.

Today's Song: Portrait of the Knight of Wands by Suzanne Vega

"When you're sure you've had enough/ Of this life, well, hang on..."

It is harder to discuss my relationship with Keto than with Rope Guy. Part of it is privacy issues. In order to explain my relationship with Keto, I have to give a lot more background and context than I am really comfortable sharing.

I have the feeling that whatever the relationship turns out to be, it will take time and my best bet is to not have too many expectations.

I am not sure how much I will share beyond this: we went to the kink convention together. It went well. It was easy to share space with him.

I learned something at the convention, which I did not expect. I knew that my relationship with DA has been codependent, probably from when it started. I don’t know if I quite understood what codependency was taking from me until I spent the weekend with Keto and Rope Guy.

Keto has a network of friends. I have met a number of them and they are lovely people. However, they are his friends. They are evaluating me and deciding if I am going to be a good match for Keto. They are friendly and polite. I feel comfortable with them, I can’t remember the last time I dated someone who had an established friend group that I had to get to know and find my place in it.

I knew a number of people at the convention, Keto did too. If we went off to do our own thing, I didn’t find him alone and miserable later. I found him talking with people. I don’t think I had ever realized how much of my energy was going into keeping my companion feeling valued while I was being sparkly and shiny. I felt guilty for not giving them all of my attention.

I have apologized to Keto, more than once, for ignoring him. He has assured me that he does not feel ignored. He likes the fact that I am someone who attracts people and he appreciates whatever that reflects on him, he does not seem to be jealous of it.

I haven’t asked Rope Guy or Keto to be my “friend” on facebook. I figured out why. A former relationship would complain that they would post this amazing picture and get a few likes and a comment or two. I would sneeze and it would get 15 comments involving the history of sneezes and any number of thumbs up. That person decided to stop posting on facebook because they felt it reflected poorly on them. I tried to explain that I had a much broader group of friends, but they just decided to stop posting altogether. (We aren’t friends on facebook any longer, so that may have changed.)

I doubt Rope Guy or Keto would feel similarly, but making sure that the other person felt valued and accepted had been my job for so much of the past few years, I am hesitant to put myself into that position again even on social media.

One of the classes I attended at the convention was about processing my experience as a bottom with my play partner. I was shocked. It never occurred to me that was a thing I could ask for. I don’t mean to suggest that no one I have ever played with would not allow me to process. The lovely instructor just gave it to me in language and words I could utilize to ask for processing and permission to ask for it. (She was damn good.)

I allowed codependency to take expressing myself away from me. I feel like I wait for my partner to tell me it is all right if I get emotional. If they would allow it, then I would process. If they didn’t, I would try to deal with it on my own. This resulted in a lot of very negative cycles, because I wouldn’t talk about things until they were huge emotional maelstroms and came out in inappropriate ways.

I also placed a lot of my self worth in how the other person was doing emotionally and physically. If they weren’t doing well, it was my responsibility to fix it.

I have often joked that my addiction is people. I think that I have been hoisted on that petard. There is no doubt in my mind that I am doing much better now than I was in August. I am healthier and happier than I have been in a long while. This season of the fair, despite all the fuss and nonsense has been the best one in years.

Looking at my memories from this time last year, I was already on this path. I was understanding why boundaries were necessary. I just hadn’t learned how to implement them fully.

One of the reasons I am poly is that I know that no one person should take me on full time. I am better when I can spread my crazy around as are the people who are within my sphere. However, it isn’t just people I am dating, but friends and even acquaintances that are important. There is always someone else I can share stuff with.

More importantly, I know that I am not the only person my friends and partners can share with. I have learned how to determine when I cannot help someone and I feel like it is acceptable to walk away or tell someone no.

I realized that even if DA dumps the current girlfriend, it won’t matter for me. She is a symptom of a much larger problem. The entire time I have known DA, he has had a small number of people in his life to rely on for support. My experience is that he puts most of his needs in the hands of one or two people until he burns them out and he is forced to find someone fresh. To give him credit, he will put up with nearly anything while that person is able to actively support him. He isn’t understanding when the person starts demanding that their needs be met. I have seen him completely abandon the person and leave others to clean up his mess. I was not the first time, he has done it more than once and I watched and didn't realize what he was doing.

I realize that what the two of us have now, an uncomfortable detente in which we barely communicate, is probably as good as it will ever get. I can't support him the way he seems to expect, so I am no longer useful. I won't say never, but until I feel that like I was not his disposable handkerchief, I doubt I will have much positive feeling for him. The best I feel is pity. 

Keto is by no means perfect and some of his issues are challenges I am not sure I am up to. However, I have been assured by Keto and his friends that I am not entering into this alone and that I will have lots of help and support along the way. It is similar with Rope Guy, his wife and his friends are supportive and understanding of me, so I am comfortable giving that in return.

I chose today's song because it reminds me that everyone hurts and everyone needs support. Asking isn't the problem. It's asking one person and punishing them when they can't give what I think I need that ends relationships. 

Today's Song - Everybody Hurts by R.E.M.

"This is the way it should be, for lovers..."

So much has happened in the past few weeks that I don’t think I can journal chronologically. So, thematically it is.

Keto is still around and that is proceeding apace. I will journal about him later. Today is about Rope Guy.

Rope Guy and I had our first overnight and I managed to fuck up the follow up. There were reasons and valid excuses, but I failed my Poly Wisdom check.

RG is a self-described New York Jew who is very smart. He is a programmer, so yes I have a type. He is married and has a family. I really like his wife. I want to introduce my husband to them both. Not to make up a polycule, but because they are both neat people.

Rope Guy approached me on Fetlife. Unlike many of the guys there, he was thoughtful and considerate. We exchanged notes for a while, but then “stuff happened” for both of us and we stopped communicating.

We met up at a local munch a few months ag and started chatting again. There was a shibari rope class that he wanted to take, but he needed a rope bunny. It sounded like fun, so I agreed to give it a try.  I knew that I was getting involved with Keto, so I wasn’t intending to start up another relationship. I was just going to be a rope bunny. Further, He and his wife are sorting out their feelings about being poly and either of them having a secondary. There are so many reasons that I should be running away, screaming.

You know what they say about intentions?

Keto and I went to a kink convention together. (This is the other entry I am trying to write out) Rope Guy was also there, although he was attending alone. He and I agreed to take some rope classes together and maybe do a rope scene or two.

I very carefully explained to RG (and Keto) my anxiety about touch. I am afraid, all the time. I am afraid that I will touch the wrong way, ask for the wrong thing. Recent previous partners have intensified this issue by making touch something to be withheld, so I have been sitting in a cocoon and afraid to come out. By the time RG and I did our first rope session, I was absolutely touch starved. (It’s not that my husband and I don’t touch. It’s just not our primary communication style. We’re working on it.)

Rope Guy has made a point of demonstrating and initiating affectionate touch, playful touch, sensual touch, and more recently some kink/sexy touch. He seems to take great joy in touching me and says that he really enjoys my reactions. RG and Keto both have observed that I am like a cat and they enjoy making me purr. 

RG and I met up at the kink convention and we agreed to some private time to practice the new ties we learned and play a bit. In the course of our play, I had a gigglegasm.

Allow me to explain. A gigglegasm is when I orgasm until I collapse into helpless giggles and laughter. It is the most amazing feeling. I don’t know exactly how to achieve them, but it usually happens when I am incredibly stressed, frustrated and haven’t had any release in a while. I also have to be incredibly comfortable with the person. I don’t think I have had one in a couple of years.

So my body demonstrated that I am really comfortable around Rope Guy. He speaks fluent Rachel. (He says it’s because I speak fluent Rope Guy.) It’s started out as being excellent rope partners, but it’s been slowly turning into enjoyable company and play. What I find funny is that as much fun as we have playing together, we also just enjoy spending time together and talking.

We are both fairly high strung and anxious people who require a lot of emotional processing. We are married to very quiet, very introverted partners. I believe that RG and I would be horrible primaries, we’d feed on each other’s worst fears. However, as secondaries, we can get our serotonin and dopamine jollies with each other and then return rejuvenated to our partners.

Provided I remember that I am dealing with someone who is as anxious as I am and needs me to check in and give support. I also have to remember that his wife and he haven’t had an active secondary in their marriage.

You know what they say about intentions?

On Sunday evening of the kink convention, Keto and I were playing. I had tentative plans to also play with Rope Guy, but I politely declined them. I felt that Keto needed some additional after care and consideration. RG agreed with me and admitted that he was feeling overbooked and tired. We agreed to get together later in the week.

The next morning I sent Keto off to work and I got ready for the rest of my day. As I was packing up, I received an e-mail from RG. He woke up feeling abandoned and alone because he realized that he wanted someone to think of his needs and aftercare the way I thought of Keto’s.

He didn’t begrudge Keto or me the time we had spent together the night before. He agreed and supported me taking care of the person I was at the convention with. However, he realized that he had feelings for me and was jealous that I was not available. Yes, he had played with other people, but I was the only person that he felt connected to.

According to him, he woke up at 4am and wrote me this very long e-mail, the sort you never send to the person it’s addressed to (oh, that’s what I have been doing wrong!) His wife texted him and he told her what was going on. She asked him to send her the e-mail. She read it and told him to rewrite it and send it to me. That I needed to know. I needed to know that he had developed feelings for me.

He sent me a very edited version of his e-mail. He articulated what he was feeling and what he needed. It was clear, concise, and I knew what he wanted me to do, Imagine that, clear communication? (*snark*)

I figured he had already left for work and it was time to leave. I decided I would text him a quick note and connect with him later. I I took my stuff down to my car and was about to drive out of the garage when I saw Rope Guy. I immediately pulled my car over and ran over to him. I gave him a big hug and reassured him of some of the concerns in his e-mail. He got his connection and told me later how much he appreciated that I had taken immediate action.  

I saw him again a few days later and we processed what we were thinking and feeling. (Imagine that, someone who cares what I am feeling and actively listens? *snark*).

Rope Guy’s wife pointed out to him that I was turning into a girlfriend. She did not seem to mind. She noted that he wanted to talk to me between Friday and Tuesday, even though we had a planned rope date for Tuesday. We were exchanging daily e-mails and texts.

We agreed to have an actual date and spend the night together. We went to a flogging workshop after fair last week. The workshop was really interesting and the dungeon was not at all crowded, so we were able to have a wonderfully quiet and mostly private play session.

We spent a fairly good night together. RG was incredibly attentive and sweet. I had left fair that day with the fuss about boundaries unresolved. I was raw and hurting due to this ongoing fuss. RG did a great job of distracting me from the whole thing.

We parted Saturday morning in good spirits. I went to fair, got hit with the drama and completely forgot about RG. It is understandable, it was a very emotionally challenging weekend. However, it was the first night he had spent with someone who was not his wife. I should have checked in on him.

I finally dropped him a note on Tuesday. I got a reply and in it he described how much he felt like I didn't like him or maybe had changed my mind. Again, it was clear, concise and his needs were articulated. I called him up, we talked through it and he said that between figuring out what he had been missing and afraid to ask for, he felt better. The fact that as soon as I found out, I put everything aside and asked him how I could support him really helped. RG doesn't know this, but I put aside the conversation I was having with DA, which tells me how important I think Rope Guy is.

I saw RG last night and he told me that his wife was really appreciative that I cleaned up my own damn mess and took ownership for it.

Part of the reason I made the choice I did about putting any further energy into other relationships has been greatly influenced by what’s happening with RG. I didn’t expect a relationship with him, certainly not an emotional one, but that is where I find myself. I know where my priority lies and while the mistake I made about our first night together might be understandable, it’s not a mistake I care to repeat.

I am really worried about being in two relationships (outside of my marriage) when my feelings regarding DA are so fraught. I have tried to be very communicative with RG and Keto about where I am emotionally, but I don’t think that either of them are in a position to truly understand my feelings.

I also know myself, neither of them are relationships that I can put off until some magical time when I feel “whole”. Keto and RG (who get along and work together very well) don’t mind sharing me with each other or my husband. They are both looking forward to when I am done with this fair season and am not burning the candle at both ends.

I am still worried about entering into relationships when my emotions are so volatile. Due to fair and my job, neither Keto or RG have had to deal with an emotional Rachel. I am worried that when I am not constantly running, I will fall apart on them and they won’t like me anymore.

However, I think that it says something that while RG and I were talking, we discussed the movie “Same Time, Next Year”. It reminded me that that it has been a long time since I emotionally related to someone who was older than me. It was novel.

While not about ethical non-monogamy, the movie does explore how much an intimate relationship outside of marriage can have a positive influence. It was a delight to discuss the movie in a poly context with someone who was familiar with it.

So today's song is from another romantic movie because I don't feel like the one from the movie is quite appropriate.  So I am going to take this one from The Lake House.

"You never want me for myself,"

Oh my heavens, I have’t been able to update in so long. I have been one busy girl and not feeling like writing. There are two posts pending. Neither of them will be about the situation at fair. If you are curious PM me or send me an e-mail (mimsyb@gmail.com) and I will update you directly. I received the comment that I was not to blog about the situation further, so I will keep to that agreement.

I found both of these images over the weekend. This wasn't anything I didn't know. But this weekend put the ideas into stark relief.

I told DA that while I didn't want his friendship or hugs or any of that stuff yet (we aren't ready), I did need some positive interaction and clear path forward. If he couldn't give me that, then regardless of what I feel, my brain is locking it away.

He gave me a neutral interaction. He approached me on Sunday morning. I introduced him to a customer. He responded politely and gave us both his calling card.

That was all. An entire weekend including a Saturday where I was coming in incredibly stressed and anxious because of fair drama (unrelated to DA) and that was his idea of a "positive interaction."

DA did invite me to see him do a reading as his character. I suppose that is something, but it's not like I can sit in an audience unnoticed (like he would be able to do any time that I am on stage). His reading is held in a small venue and I would have to face with the director who has been dealing with all my recent fuss. It was a nice invitation, but insensitive to a situation that DA is very aware of. However, I am sure that DA thinks that he gave me two positive interactions and would not understand if I tried to explain it to him. I am not going to waste my time or my energy.


I have been trying to hold the door open, because while the relationship has been pretty bad for a very long time, there were things I wanted. One of them was making the Christmas fair a safe space for both of us. Instead I been keep myself running fast and hope that I don't see him much.

My therapist has spoken about how each person we love gets a room in our hearts. We can visit it when we need to, but said rooms sometimes need to be locked up tight until we are ready.

I am locking the door. I won't initiate contact with DA. I won't ask anything of him. I won't offer anything. If I see him, I will be polite, but I won't engage.

I imagine that you are sick and tired of my DA entries. I know I am tired of writing them. "JT" is right. No matter what, this is just going to hurt and I will just have to do my best to deal with it until. I have two mantras (that I included in this post) to repeat until it sinks into my skull.

Today's song is nearly written for my situation and I have always loved the harmonies and the style.