"You never want me for myself,"

Oh my heavens, I have’t been able to update in so long. I have been one busy girl and not feeling like writing. There are two posts pending. Neither of them will be about the situation at fair. If you are curious PM me or send me an e-mail (mimsyb@gmail.com) and I will update you directly. I received the comment that I was not to blog about the situation further, so I will keep to that agreement.

I found both of these images over the weekend. This wasn't anything I didn't know. But this weekend put the ideas into stark relief.

I told DA that while I didn't want his friendship or hugs or any of that stuff yet (we aren't ready), I did need some positive interaction and clear path forward. If he couldn't give me that, then regardless of what I feel, my brain is locking it away.

He gave me a neutral interaction. He approached me on Sunday morning. I introduced him to a customer. He responded politely and gave us both his calling card.

That was all. An entire weekend including a Saturday where I was coming in incredibly stressed and anxious because of fair drama (unrelated to DA) and that was his idea of a "positive interaction."

DA did invite me to see him do a reading as his character. I suppose that is something, but it's not like I can sit in an audience unnoticed (like he would be able to do any time that I am on stage). His reading is held in a small venue and I would have to face with the director who has been dealing with all my recent fuss. It was a nice invitation, but insensitive to a situation that DA is very aware of. However, I am sure that DA thinks that he gave me two positive interactions and would not understand if I tried to explain it to him. I am not going to waste my time or my energy.


I have been trying to hold the door open, because while the relationship has been pretty bad for a very long time, there were things I wanted. One of them was making the Christmas fair a safe space for both of us. Instead I been keep myself running fast and hope that I don't see him much.

My therapist has spoken about how each person we love gets a room in our hearts. We can visit it when we need to, but said rooms sometimes need to be locked up tight until we are ready.

I am locking the door. I won't initiate contact with DA. I won't ask anything of him. I won't offer anything. If I see him, I will be polite, but I won't engage.

I imagine that you are sick and tired of my DA entries. I know I am tired of writing them. "JT" is right. No matter what, this is just going to hurt and I will just have to do my best to deal with it until. I have two mantras (that I included in this post) to repeat until it sinks into my skull.

Today's song is nearly written for my situation and I have always loved the harmonies and the style.