I have the feeling that whatever the relationship turns out to be, it will take time and my best bet is to not have too many expectations.
I am not sure how much I will share beyond this: we went to the kink convention together. It went well. It was easy to share space with him.
I learned something at the convention, which I did not expect. I knew that my relationship with DA has been codependent, probably from when it started. I don’t know if I quite understood what codependency was taking from me until I spent the weekend with Keto and Rope Guy.
Keto has a network of friends. I have met a number of them and they are lovely people. However, they are his friends. They are evaluating me and deciding if I am going to be a good match for Keto. They are friendly and polite. I feel comfortable with them, I can’t remember the last time I dated someone who had an established friend group that I had to get to know and find my place in it.
I knew a number of people at the convention, Keto did too. If we went off to do our own thing, I didn’t find him alone and miserable later. I found him talking with people. I don’t think I had ever realized how much of my energy was going into keeping my companion feeling valued while I was being sparkly and shiny. I felt guilty for not giving them all of my attention.
I have apologized to Keto, more than once, for ignoring him. He has assured me that he does not feel ignored. He likes the fact that I am someone who attracts people and he appreciates whatever that reflects on him, he does not seem to be jealous of it.
I haven’t asked Rope Guy or Keto to be my “friend” on facebook. I figured out why. A former relationship would complain that they would post this amazing picture and get a few likes and a comment or two. I would sneeze and it would get 15 comments involving the history of sneezes and any number of thumbs up. That person decided to stop posting on facebook because they felt it reflected poorly on them. I tried to explain that I had a much broader group of friends, but they just decided to stop posting altogether. (We aren’t friends on facebook any longer, so that may have changed.)
I doubt Rope Guy or Keto would feel similarly, but making sure that the other person felt valued and accepted had been my job for so much of the past few years, I am hesitant to put myself into that position again even on social media.
One of the classes I attended at the convention was about processing my experience as a bottom with my play partner. I was shocked. It never occurred to me that was a thing I could ask for. I don’t mean to suggest that no one I have ever played with would not allow me to process. The lovely instructor just gave it to me in language and words I could utilize to ask for processing and permission to ask for it. (She was damn good.)
I allowed codependency to take expressing myself away from me. I feel like I wait for my partner to tell me it is all right if I get emotional. If they would allow it, then I would process. If they didn’t, I would try to deal with it on my own. This resulted in a lot of very negative cycles, because I wouldn’t talk about things until they were huge emotional maelstroms and came out in inappropriate ways.
I also placed a lot of my self worth in how the other person was doing emotionally and physically. If they weren’t doing well, it was my responsibility to fix it.
I have often joked that my addiction is people. I think that I have been hoisted on that petard. There is no doubt in my mind that I am doing much better now than I was in August. I am healthier and happier than I have been in a long while. This season of the fair, despite all the fuss and nonsense has been the best one in years.
Looking at my memories from this time last year, I was already on this path. I was understanding why boundaries were necessary. I just hadn’t learned how to implement them fully.
One of the reasons I am poly is that I know that no one person should take me on full time. I am better when I can spread my crazy around as are the people who are within my sphere. However, it isn’t just people I am dating, but friends and even acquaintances that are important. There is always someone else I can share stuff with.
More importantly, I know that I am not the only person my friends and partners can share with. I have learned how to determine when I cannot help someone and I feel like it is acceptable to walk away or tell someone no.
I realized that even if DA dumps the current girlfriend, it won’t matter for me. She is a symptom of a much larger problem. The entire time I have known DA, he has had a small number of people in his life to rely on for support. My experience is that he puts most of his needs in the hands of one or two people until he burns them out and he is forced to find someone fresh. To give him credit, he will put up with nearly anything while that person is able to actively support him. He isn’t understanding when the person starts demanding that their needs be met. I have seen him completely abandon the person and leave others to clean up his mess. I was not the first time, he has done it more than once and I watched and didn't realize what he was doing.
I realize that what the two of us have now, an uncomfortable detente in which we barely communicate, is probably as good as it will ever get. I can't support him the way he seems to expect, so I am no longer useful. I won't say never, but until I feel that like I was not his disposable handkerchief, I doubt I will have much positive feeling for him. The best I feel is pity.
Keto is by no means perfect and some of his issues are challenges I am not sure I am up to. However, I have been assured by Keto and his friends that I am not entering into this alone and that I will have lots of help and support along the way. It is similar with Rope Guy, his wife and his friends are supportive and understanding of me, so I am comfortable giving that in return.
I chose today's song because it reminds me that everyone hurts and everyone needs support. Asking isn't the problem. It's asking one person and punishing them when they can't give what I think I need that ends relationships.
Today's Song - Everybody Hurts by R.E.M.
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