The stuff with DA this past weekend started an emotional cascade failure yesterday and so I ended up cancelling my plans last night. Rope Guy and I haven’t seen each other for 10 days, but I simply was too emotionally screwed up to see him.
It was bad yesterday and it’s only slightly better today. I can’t eat. I can’t focus. I don’t want to go to bed and I don’t want to wake up. I am way behind at work and honestly, I don’t really care. Depression can kiss my ass.
I am tired. I know that makes me more emotional and impairs my judgement. I am also frustrated. I don’t want to feel anything about DA. I want my feelings to go away and never come back. I just wish I had never met him. My life would be so much easier.
Even if that isn’t true, this is the second time I have let my crap around fair and DA mess up my plans with Rope Guy. He seems to understand, but I don’t know how much more latitude he is going to give me. I know he was disappointed and hurt that I couldn’t keep our plans last night.
He was really decent about it. He let me vent and bit.Then he said something really intuitive and nice:
“You told me that [DA] fed your heart in ways you didn’t even realize were possible.
That’s a rare experience. My hypothesis is that, while giving up the romantic relationship with him was messy, *this* is a much bigger loss for you, the deepest kind of hurt. I think perhaps you were hoping to avoid some of it by remaining friends. That could have left you unprepared for the magnitude of the loss.
What do you think?” (posted with permission)
I see his point. I don't want to acknowledge it, but I think I understand what Rope Guy is saying. I always knew that my romantic relationship with DA was short term. However, he told me that we would always be friends. Even when his ex or Primary would tell him that he should get rid of me, he always told me (and them) that no one would tell him who he could and could not have in his life. Both his ex and Primary have known him longer than he has known me. So if he wouldn't cut me out of his life for them, why would he do it for this woman he met in June?
I can't answer that, I only know that it feels like he has. I might be able to understand and chalk it up to "stupid boy" but I can't forgive him.
I am sick and tired my lingering feelings for DA messing with me. I am frustrated that the rules seem to change every week. After two weeks of him ignoring me, I am really angry that he decided to talk to me just to ask a favor. When I challenged him on it (and pushed really hard to even get a response), DA complained that I gave him too much to process. ARGH!!!!
I will be so relieved when I won't have to see him every week. I don't want to be friends. I just want to heal and not hurt. I want to get on with my life and quit feeling held back.
I don't know how I haven't used this song already. (Maybe I have) This is how I have been feeling for a while about DA. He's not even real anymore. He's just an emotional crack boy and I really, really wish I had never started the habit.
Today's Song: Addicted by Kelly Clarkson
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