But I understood today that by living in fear, I wasn't really living, I was existing on hope. I regret that it means another DA entry, but I have to figure out how to work through this. I am still dealing with feelings. Ugh! I rather pride myself on being someone who doesn't pursue impossible situations. When a relationship is over, that's it. Go to break up, go directly to break up. Do not pass Go, do not engage in 200 bouts of break-up sex.
There has only been two exceptions that I can recall. In both cases, my feelings were reflected from the person. I had so much trouble walking away because the person on the other side of the break up refused to let me go. In those cases it took over a year to feel close to normal again. I do not want to deal with months more of this. I will try to explain why in another entry, but time has not made things better.
I think part of my problem is that I wasn't being Rachel. I was being some stupid reflection of the Rachel I thought DA wanted, which was really fucking stupid.
DA had an ex. I have discussed this ex before. He was an issue in our relationship until the day it ended. This probably had to do with the fact that DA's other girlfriend considered DA's ex one of her closest friends. (I have no fucking clue how any of the three of them handled that cognitive dissonance.) There were a lot of reasons that I didn't get along with DA's other girlfriend, but I feel that she found it easiest to blame everything on me than face the reality of who DA really was and the part he played in hurting her friend. I have to wonder what happened to that dynamic once I was out of the picture. (Given that she broke up with him less than a month later, I have some ideas.)
Being compared to DA's ex was the worst thing I could think of. I thought his ex was unreasonable and crazy. I didn't want to be that. I made sanity such a priority I think that I overcompensated. I tried to be thoughtful and considerate and I lost myself in the process. I didn't ask for what I needed from the relationship, scared that I would be demanding like DA's ex. I thought if I gave the right things and was a good girlfriend, things would work out for DA and me. When I was hurt, I didn't say anything, because to do so would be to act like "The Ex". I am not saying that DA ever reinforced this, I don't believe he did so intentionally. However, he broke up with his ex (and eventually cut the man completely from his life) because of his outbursts, his demands and his inability to let the relationship go.
I have worked very hard not to do anything similar. I haven't gone out of my way to make DA uncomfortable in shared spaces. I haven't text-bombed him, called him or shown up at his house uninvited. I have sent a fair share of e-mails. but even those I tried to keep reasonable and communicative.
Before I cut DA out of my life, I told him that I knew why I was still engaging. I learned the lesson from his ex, that negative attention was better than being ignored. I didn't understand why he was still engaging with me. I said him that I suspected that as long as I was still around, he could blame whatever problems he was having on me. The way that DA sidestepped the question and tried to turn my statement back on me (while still continuing to engage) makes me think I was on to something.
This feeling combined with him telling me that his current girlfriend encouraged him to talk to me made me decide that continued interaction was only going to cause more drama and trauma. I sincerely doubt that my retreat caused a bump in his relationship. DA used his ex as a patsy in our relationship. He hung a lot of issues on me with "Primary" (who needs another name). It stands to reason that he will repeat the pattern.
The feelings I have for DA are complicated and challenging for me. I don't know how to deal with them. I had hoped that two months of zero contact would give me a better grasp of how I was feeling and help me decide what I need to do to move forward. I feel like nothing is better. I know that I am better off without having him in my life, but something feels unfinished. I have no idea what to do, but I feel like I need to do something, for my own sake of peace.
If this were a more typical relationship, I would ask our mutual friends to test the waters for me. The problem is that DA doesn't seem to have any friends given that Primary and I were it. (If he has friends now, they certainly aren't mutual). I could ask his roommates, but I feel like that is a violation of their relationship as a household. One of the roomies can read this, but I have also told them that I would prefer not to put them in the middle. I feel that they have done enough to work things out between us as it is. I suppose I could ask DA's college girlfriend, she and I got along well, but that doesn't seem right either. I feel like I either can contact DA directly or not at all. I can't even guess which he would prefer.
I hate having a sword of Damocles hanging over me and this choice is starting to feel like one. The best thing I can think of is to tell DA precisely what I need if we are ever going to be friends. If he doesn't give it to me, then I can walk away.
Or
I could just walk away.
And that statement made the song for this entry ridiculously easy to choose.
Today's Song - Walk on By by Dionne Warwick
No comments:
Post a Comment