I wrote a carefully considered reply, having a friend, who is acquainted with my daughter, to check it for emotional triggers. I didn’t engage with the e-mail. I didn’t argue. I simply went with her requested solution. I offered to pay to see a family therapist. She didn’t respond for months.
When she did respond, she wanted a mutual friend to sit with us. While I think that is a less than ideal option, I didn’t want to argue further, so I assented. Then scheduling that meeting turned into a nightmare. There were extenuating circumstances for some of the delays, but agreeing on a date has taken months. We finally settled plans to meet tonight.
My daughter texted me this morning and asked to postpone to next Thursday.
Thursday night is my standing date with Keto. I told him a week ago I wouldn’t be available tonight. I can tell him I could be available tonight, but at the moment I am so emotional I don’t want to go out. (Who knows how I will feel later.) I understand that life happens, but I am so frustrated. It is yet another delay. It isn’t about whether or not I have plans or if life happens. It is about the fact that my daughter took an emotional vent and has shut me out of her life for 10 months because of it.
Why bother discussing it with her at all? I own that I said something hurtful. I know I am not a perfect parent. But I worked my fucking ass off to get her through some major shit. I put my relationship with my husband, my career, everything aside to help her. I don’t believe my daughter owes me anything. I am the parent, I did what I felt was appropriate, I put my child above everything else.
However if my reward for that is that she cuts me out of her life for 10 months, what exactly am I investing in? She is over 18. I have fought for all of her life to keep a connection with her, despite her father’s wishes. If she doesn’t want me in her life when I have a human moment and do something stupid, she can fuck off. I am tired of having to prove myself as a worthwhile parent.
I know that this isn’t all my daughter. I know that this is playing on my insecurities about being a “good girl” and a “good parent” and all of that stuff. I know that this is playing on three years of pouring myself into DA and getting a similar result. If people can’t appreciate me for who and what I am, fuck them. I am tired of being the one that gives and gives and gets shitcanned in return.
I have gotten to the point where I stopped trying to connect with my daughter. I don’t try to contact her because she made it clear that I wasn’t a priority for her. She didn’t give me a reason for tonight’s delay, so while the reason might be perfectly valid, I just feel like I am being shoved aside again.
DA has respected my wishes that we have no contact. I don’t even know how to reopen communication. As long as there is no contact because I say so, I don't have to think about what I poured into the relationship, just to be told that it wasn't worthwhile. I am afraid that if I reopen communication, it will just give DA the opportunity to do what my daughter just did. It will an opportunity to tell me that I am not important; but maybe I will be at some point in the future, when it’s more convenient.
What my daughter has done hurts far more than anything DA could do. But it feels like no matter how hard I try, people will abandon me when I have the temerity to be human and need things or make mistakes. My daughter, DA, H2, H1, my father, my mother. If there is anything that fucks me up, it's this feeling of worthlessness. I fight it everyday, because I know my brain is lying to me. Today I am losing.
My daughter didn’t cancel on me until I was on my way to work.. I have been quietly crying all morning. I don’t know how to make the pain stop and I can’t easily leave work. I guess I will take some Advil and hope that deadens things until I can go home and well...well do something.
Today's Song is one I think I have used before. It just seems to embody how I feel.
Today's Song - Push By Matchbox 20
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