"If you peel away the armor is something underneath ..."

I think that everyone takes measures to protect themselves. I believe that they are different based on personality and upbringing, but people protect themselves. 

I think we build emotional armor to keep people from hurting our hearts. I think that we have spiritual beliefs that help us deal with those things that feel bigger than ourselves. I think we have our intellectual beliefs that allow us to debate points of view. 

What never fails to amaze me is the human propensity for self-deception. I was with my second husband for seven years. I would have told you that our relationship was troubled, but overall a good one, for 6.5 of them. It was not until I got out of the relationship that my friends told me how bad that things were. No, strike that - It wasn't until he left me that I heard what my friends said about him. It has been thirteen years and I am still discovering trauma from that relationship.

I promised myself that I would never stay in such a destructive relationship again. I wish that I had kept that promise, but I'm human. 

I believe that some of the human propensity for self-deception is because we don't want to face being alone. I think that we become blind to what we are doing to others; feeling it is better to be hurt and emotionally devastated than abandoned and alone. 

I do not know how my friends felt about me when I was still married to my ex-husband. I imagine it must have been incredibly frustrating. While they did tell me that they were relieved when I left, not one of my friends condemned me. I remember nothing but love and support. I remember a friend taught me to knit so I would have something to focus on instead of my separation. I remember other friends took me to movies to give me distractions. It was not easy. 2004 is probably one of the most emotionally devastating years I have ever gone through. 

It was also the biggest turning point in my life. I met my current husband. Because of that year, I discovered who my friends were, I found the motivation to change careers and I discovered inner resources that I never knew I had. 

I have been involved in relationships that aren't that good for me. I have put up with things that I probably shouldn't have. I don't think I have ever repeated the mistakes of my second marriage. If nothing else, I haven't stayed in a bad relationship for as many years and have been better about getting out of relationships that seem destructive. 

What I haven't done is dealt with a friend who seems to be in a bad relationship and being hurt. I want to be supportive, but I realized that the only thing I can do is distance myself from the situation. I guess that is what my friends did. Hopefully I can be supportive if the time comes that my friend gets out of their quandary.

I wish I could do more. I have tried, but I realized yesterday that nothing I say or do will help my friend. It isn't my business and it isn't my responsibility to save my friend. It's their life. I am just going to have to let it go. 

I really feel for the people who had to watch the downward spiral of my marriage. I am more thankful than ever for their patience and understanding. I imagine it wasn't easy.