I did manage to see my psychiatrist today. We discussed some possibilities to help with my ADHD, but I want to see how I manage a few weeks in the classroom before I change my medications. I can get pills, but no therapy.
Mental Health in America, isn't it grand.
I am left unsure what to do with myself. I was really hoping to discuss my reactions with my therapist. Since she isn't available, I guess writing will have to do. This isn't enlightened or constructive. I am just angry. I know, my blog, my content. But I believe a warning is polite. So, there, you are warned.
The big question is should I listen, strike that, should I ask for an explanation? I think I know what the answers are. In fact, the answers aren't the problem. The photos were a gut punch, but in retrospect, I should have anticipated them. The photos weren't the problem. It was the lack of communication.
I think that is why I just pulled into myself. I don't want to hear the excuses. I am perfectly aware of how attached that person is to their devices. I really can't believe that they couldn't take the time to talk to me. I am angry that they didn't think to say, "Hey, we were all together and so this is what happened." I needed reassurance and I didn't receive any. So instead I feel forgotten and neglected.
And I feel guilty that I need reassurance. I feel like I am supposed to be strong and confident and I shouldn't need someone to tell me that the pictures on Facebook didn't mean anything. I also feel like I am in high school, because online shit, really?
I emailed the person. I told them that I need to focus on my job, my family and I wasn't going to spare them bandwidth for a while. I didn't tell them not to contact me, but I said I wasn't able to pretend that things were all right. I don't know what I expected. I suppose a reply that says something akin, "I understand that you are upset. I wish we could talk sooner, but I respect that you are setting boundaries for yourself. I would like to discuss this when you are ready."
Instead they decided that they shouldn't respond in any way. I suppose I should understand that. Silence in the midst of conflict always makes things better. I have already had nearly 48 hours to think of all the worst case scenarios, so when I don't hear anything from them, I should find that a positive, right? (To be fair, they have been traveling and they went back to work today, but honestly how long does it take to text, "I got your message. I am sorry that you are hurt. I will respond as soon as I am able"?)
No, I think their silence is a chicken shit move and I also think they know they fucked up and they aren't willing to face the music. I think that I should just go with my Plan A and shove them out of my life and stick to the idea that I wish I had never met them.
Oh, did I mention that I am angry and hurt?
It's weird, because with the medication I am on means that while I feel the anger and hurt, it's not consuming me. It's just there. It's noise I can block out or listen to, but I have the choice. For the purposes of writing this entry, I am opening up and letting the anger out, because I didn't have a therapy appointment to discuss it in. Yesterday and Monday it was there, but I had other things to do, so it was in the background, like so much noise.
I should note, for the record, that the person I am discussing is aware of this blog and reads it. So I am going to openly address that fact. I know that they may read this. And if they hadn't been chicken shit, then they wouldn't have had to read my anger and feelings being vented online. I am sure that they have their own emotions and problems, but silence means I can ignore them, because what I don't know doesn't matter to me.
All right, I feel very petty right now. I hate that I feel guilty about my own feelings. I hate that I still want to give them the benefit of the doubt. I hate that I want to believe that this is all a big misunderstanding.
It is a misunderstanding, but I wasn't the one who caused it. I am not the one who decided avoiding the problem was the way to resolve it. I am the one who is deciding that if someone else wants to avoid the problem, I can make things easier for them and simply stop engaging with them at all.
Because with incomplete data and a lack of communication, I can only decide that I am unable to solve the problem and walk away.
Of course, I have come to that conclusion countless times and the walking part has yet to actually work. That's why I wanted to see my therapist. I didn't need to tell her the story. I just needed to ask how I say "enough is enough" and tell the person to fuck off and then walk away. It's obvious to everyone else that's what I should do, so why can't I?
Ok, that's enough ranting for one session. Thank you internet for being my interim therapist.
Today is a good day for some Bowie. I think Sons of the Silent Age is about perfect.
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