"You promise your love, how much you care..."

I haven't been blogging much recently. There is the usual going on, but writing hasn't been as appealing these days. I feel like I simply don't have good words.

I feel very lost. I don't know where I am supposed to stand, where my life is supposed to be.

Dancing used to be so important to me. I would drive from San Jose to Berkeley every Monday night just so I could do Irish dancing. I loved it. For over ten years, I was a part of the community. This is not a post about why I am no longer in that community, let's just say that it was not by choice that I left.

I have been struggling to find a community where I feel truly accepted ever since. I suppose that might sound very harsh, but it isn't that communities and people aren't accepting me. I don't feel accepted.

That's the problem with social anxiety, it just poisons everything, if you let it.

I fight it all the time. I fought with it when there was conflict in my theater group. I thought no one wanted me around. I thought the my problems were because of me. It wasn't until the same problems happened when I wasn't around that I realized that I wasn't the cause of all the issues in the group. I came back to the group, but I am still wary, I am still waiting for them to tell me that letting me back in was a mistake.

I take medication, I do therapy, I work my cogitative behavioral exercises. I don't live in a world where I think everyone hates me. I live in a world where I worry that most people dislike me and wish I would quit bothering them. I just ignore it.

It's just noise most of the time. I live day to day without worrying about who I offended today or what wrong thing I said. I dismiss it the way I would the myriad of distractions that exist for all of us. The same way I can have Dr. Strange streaming on Netflix and write at the same time, I swap my attention between the two and give one task more focus than the other.

It's not the most efficient way of doing things, but I am sure I am not the only one to have multiple inputs going at once. I suppose that is one advantage of being ADHD, I am used to having to sift through a lot of noise.

I don't trust my anxiety. I tend to err on the side of withdrawing but sometimes I fall on the side of extreme loyalty, even when I am hurting myself. That is what I faced this morning. My loyalty to someone was abused (again) and I found out because of facebook. It is a horrible way to learn anything. The information is incomplete, there is no context, but pictures contain so much data. My brain latches on and then I endlessly process and analyze. I try to see the best possible scenarios and I end up with the worst. Of course the person isn't able to communicate with me and I am so tired of having issues with them, I doubt I could listen.

Today I just wished I had never met the person. I wished that they had never been a part of my life. I regret that I ever allowed them in. I regret that it was possible for some fairly mundane photos to cut my heart so deeply.

And then the social anxiety steps in and now it's hard to shut it out. Now it's not just noise. Now it's strident voices in my head telling me that I deserved what happened. They yell that I don't stand up for myself. They say the worst phrase in the English language: I should have known better.

I don't want to even tell anyone the story because if they knew all the details I think they would simply shake their heads and wonder how I could have been so fucking blind.

I guess I was distracted.

I won't try to explain the song. It's an oldie and while not perfectly appropriate, the anger is resonating with me tonight.