"I know you're never gonna wake up..."

To anyone who reads this blog, it should not be news that my parents were not the most giving people. I honestly believe that they love me and were the best parents that they could be, but giving, loving and thoughtful are not words I would use to describe either of them.

In true ACA fashion, I swung to the other extreme. I try to be the most supportive damn person I know how to be. I have hurt myself in trying to be supportive of friends, partners, my children, etc. I am still learning appropriate boundaries. I have been told that I am too supportive. I know that I am not alone in that club.

My second husband was very good at exploiting my supportive side. Our marriage ended over 13 years ago, so I am not trying to ascribe malicious intent. I honestly don't know what he meant to do. I do remember his actions. He would demand support in ways that made it nearly impossible to refuse him. He'd keep me from sleeping, refuse to do housework or become verbally abusive if he felt like I wasn't accommodating his needs and wants. While there were many, many problems in our marriage, I believe his demands for support regardless of what was going on in my life was the deal breaker. He demanded support. He could be and was very supportive but it came with a price tag.

My experiences with my parents and with my ex-husband made me very aware of how important support and attention can be. One of the big changes I made during and after my divorce was that I made my children my first priority. I wasn't perfect, but no matter how long my day was, how sick I was, how stressed, or whatever, I reminded myself that my children would only live with me for a limited period of time. There was plenty of time to watch tv, rest, pursue hobbies, read books, or go to dance events when my children grew up and moved out. I also learned that in order to be a loving and supportive parent, I had to take care of my needs (which were sometimes dancing, watching tv or sleeping). Figuring out the balance between taking care of myself and being a parent is something I still struggle with.

Thanks to my husband, I found that I have no patience with people who bitch and whine about their problems, but don't do anything about them. I don't mean like someone who went through a divorce, is dealing with financial issues and is in a very negative space. I am astounded at how a person in that situation gets up every day and goes to work and while supporting their child through some challenging transitions. That person is doing something. If they come across as negative, that's because we live in a society that doesn't support single parents and in a part of the country that is stupidly expensive. I don't hold that against anyone, especially since I have been there.

I mean the people who treat those around them like shit and then give the excuse that they are depressed while doing nothing to address their depression. I don't mean a week or two of being negative, I mean the same complaints month after month after month. I mean the person who railed at one of the loveliest people I know and then excused their behavior as "stress related" and refused to apologize. I mean the person who has a job, friends, a loving family, and is still bitching about feeling overwhelmed. I understand feeling overwhelmed, but then ask for help. It should not take over a year to get into therapy if your depression and feelings of being overwhelmed are impacting your job or your relationships. 

Maybe I lack sympathy, but my reaction to those people has become increasingly negative. I have become that person who wants to explain that I cashed in all of my retirement and investments so that my children had a roof and food when I was unemployed for nearly a year. I still am not sure how I will be paying for retirement because of stuff I did to survive 15 years ago. I want to yell at them that my father passed away in 2011 and I can't remember when he ever told me he was proud of me. I understand that they feel stressed about Dad's health or the thing Dad expects or whatever else, but fucking remember that some people don't have fathers at all. I want to scream at them that I managed to finish my teaching credential while one of my children was going through some serious crap and while it wasn't easy and it took a lot of support, I did get through it.

It's not a matter of trying to win a game of misery poker. People have problems and I am not the judge of what is difficult enough to complain about. People might need support for things that I don't consider an issue the same way that I need support for things that people may not understand about me. There are many things I can accomplish, but for some reason sending mail through the post is a huge issue for me. If I want to make sure something is mailed, I have to ask my husband or one of my children to do it for me. I know it's silly, and so what. I don't like sending mail and so it's a place I need support. However, that issue has never been an excuse to avoid paying my bills or submitting forms to the IRS.

Regardless of whether a problem is large or small, I want to give people support and understanding. However, at a certain point, if I hear the same complaint, the same problem, or someone dealing with the same consequences over and over again and all they do is bitch and moan, I lose all of my patience. If you need help, ask and I will drive you to the doctor. If you need food, I will grocery shop and cook. If you need a kind ear to just listen, I will do my best. But so help me, if all you can do is apologize and tell me that you are trying (when you haven't changed your actions in months) I am going to lose patience and I am going to walk away.

I know because I have. I got tired of hearing about how a relationship that only lasted for a few months was the most important one ever and that the person couldn't get over it. I got tired of it and told the person we couldn't talk about that relationship any more. When they said I wasn't being supportive and started implying other things, I walked away from that friendship and haven't looked back. Yes, I have been hung up on people. Hell, I still am hung up on a couple. You'll notice that I don't talk about them daily or mention them? Yeah, because at a certain point, the relationship isn't going to happen and you just suck it up and deal.

This isn't just friends, either. As a teacher, I am really fucking tired of hearing about how sorry politicians are that students are being shot and killed. Spare me your apologies and prayers, do something tangible. I have to have a license to drive. I had to get bonded (with a background check) to work in a bank. I have my credentials checked frequently before I'm allowed in a classroom. I don't need congress to ban all the guns or guns of a certain type or whatever. I just want the people whom I have voted to govern me to make laws that do what they are supposed to do, which is make sure that my life isn't sacrificed to someone else's rights. Free speech doesn't mean I can yell "Fire" in a crowded theater. The second amendment doesn't guarantee that anyone can own a weapon. 

If that makes me unsympathetic, so be it. If this means I am not "woke" or whatever, I am fine with that. Everyone has problems and no one is responsible for solving mine except me. I vote, I draw boundaries and do my best to own my shit to the best of my ability. If I can't, I try to ask for support or I try not to impose on others.

I expect others to do their best to do the same. If that makes me a judgemental bitch, fine, give me the damn t-shirt.

"Said I wouldn't call, but I lost all control and I need you now..."

I am not terribly good at asking for help. I am sure I have discussed this. My family was always the sort who pulled themselves up by their own bootstraps and worked hard. If you couldn't afford something, you went without. (This included winter coats, dental work, eyeglasses and medical care.)

I hate borrowing money from friends. I don't if she realizes it, but I finally got to the point where I don't keep a tally sheet of everything that my best friend pays for, so I can make sure I pay her back. I think that took years for me to accomplish. I finally believe that we are spending each according to their ability.

I got into a fight with a friend this weekend and my first impulse was to make sure that I paid them back for everything that I think I owe them. (They ran some errands for me this weekend, picking up groceries and the like.)

However the subject of the fight was more important than any money I might owe them. I don't accept help easily. I hate asking. It goes against everything I was raised with. I kvetched yesterday on Facebook, noting that I would have liked to do a thing, but due to pain medication and other issues, I wasn't comfortable driving. A friend responded that if that came up again, I should ask them about meeting close to my home. Another friend told me that I should reach out and ask for a ride.

I don't accept help easily. When I finally do let someone help me, I am really defensive. I am horribly afraid that I am asking too much. I accept help, but only if I think that I can either repay the person back (like helping them move) or if I feel that I have already done enough for them that I have earned their help.

The friend I got into a fight with was because I got defensive about accepting their help. Whether they meant to do so or not, I felt like I asked too much and I hurt them. Family and cultural response is to withdraw from the person. I shouldn't have asked anything them and in fact, I shouldn't talk to them at all, that way I can't inadvertently ask anything of them again. If I am able to trust someone enough to ask them for help, I am also trusting them to take care of themselves. If I am asking for help, they can't expect me to monitor how much they are offering and warn them if they are overextending themselves. I also expect them to communicate their limitations with me.

As you can imagine, I don't ask many people for help. I like my friendships and apparently asking people to have firm boundaries and communicate them is a good way of ruining a relationship with them. (I am being sarcastic. I am not good with boundaries or communication. I am more likely to ghost on someone then to tell them that they have asked more of me than I have to offer.)

I am not sure what I am going to do. I have realized that I am horrible at asking for help and I'll usually suffer instead of letting someone see any weakness. However, the fight yesterday was so significant that I am not sure that I can get past it.  I thought I could trust this person and they told me that I asked too much. They told me this when I was vulnerable and in pain, which was a kick to the gut when I needed it least.

So now I know not to ask them...for anything. I won't ask them for anything, ever again.

I figure that there is something wrong with me. I see other people rely on their community and their friends when they are in pain or need. The thought of doing so just makes me feel like I will get exploited or like yesterday, kicked in the gut when I have no defenses. I feel like I would rather be alone and suffer.

Perhaps I just lack emotional intelligence.

"I just can't worry 'bout no haters, gotta stay on my grind..."

It has been a while since I've written recently. Having known people with chronic pain, I was aware of how draining it could be, but until I lived with it day in and day out, I really did not understand. The Spoon Theory is a nice analogy, but it really doesn't explain what it's like when I am breaking down into tears because the pain will not go away.

I was diagnosed with TMJ. I know that this doesn't make me terribly special, lots of people have it. It sucks. It sucks a lot.

I can't take most narcotics. They make me violently nauseous. Given the choice between pain and nausea or vomiting, 9 out of 10 times, I will take the pain. However since TMJ is stress related and I have a relatively stressful job, relief has been nearly impossible.

Yes, I have a mouth guard. Yes, I know about combining ibuprofen and acetaminophen. Yes, I have tried moist heat and ice and just about every other remedy that I was given. I still hurt. I still hurt a lot. I can deal with the pain, but everything else is closer to the surface. My students have noticed that my temper is short and I am not sure why the people I live with haven't killed me yet.

After more than two weeks, I finally broke down and tried *ahem* alternative medicine (I am a public employee, so until it's legal at the federal level, I could be fired, so I am not going to be declarative.) I had an online consultation with a doctor who recommended a number of different alternatives. I was rather impressed. She not only gave me a medical card (which is pretty easy to obtain), but she actually spoke to me about my symptoms, discussed potential drug interactions and how her prescription might interact my other issues and concerns.

I did not realize that there were therapies that reduced the narcotic effect and still dealt with pain. One that I really like is a menthol rub infused with additional herbal supplements. I smell like a Grateful Dead concert (or I guess it would be Phish now) but the relief is significant. I wish I could use it before work, that would help a lot. (The smell is rather noticeable, so I don't dare.)

That's actually the biggest problem. I could come to work and take muscle relaxants and/or opioids and that would be legal. My faculties would be compromised, but I could be at work. However, taking something that would ease my pain and would have few other effects is completely illegal and would get me fired.

Thus, I am in a considerable amount of pain today and can't do anything about it. It's really bad because the dog smashed her head into my nose last night. I broke down crying the pain was so bad. I did what I could, but I woke up this morning with a swollen bruise on the bridge of my nose and in considerable pain. Ibuprofen and acetaminophen haven't done anything to help. I am giving tests all day, so I can't leave.

I hadn't planned on taking tomorrow off, but I might have to. I don't have a lot of sick leave because I used it all last year. On the other hand, I am about to scream, I hurt so much.

I feel a lot of shame. I have so many negative associations with herbals and I can't use them before or during work.  My initial experiences have been mostly positive and unlike narcotics, I get pain relief without nausea or feeling like I'm in a mental fog. That should be enough, right? However, I feel like I am doing something wrong and haven't been comfortable dosing myself. On my first night I had a bit too much (which was expected and I had been warned about). That would have been fine, but something came up and I had to get myself back to functional instead of gauging the effects.

I also took more than I would have otherwise, since getting back to functional also increased the pain. I haven't been able to risk oversleeping and I have been too busy with work to go to bed early. So while I have been trying to deal with pain relief, I haven't been comfortable doing much beyond topical relief.

Today's song has little relevance to what I have been writing about, it's just been playing in my head all day.

"Tough girl, I'm in pain..."

I have blogged about having Hashimoto's Syndrome before. It came up for me yesterday in the worst possible way. I was asked how I was feeling.

It's a pretty simple question. "How are you?"

However, who really wants the actual answer? I assume no one does, because my answer is rarely going to be "I'm fine." My answer is going to be a variation on "I am operating with normal operating parameters." if I am able to get up in the morning. If I can't, then my answer will a variation of "I am not at full functional capacity."

I've spent most of the past week in pain. Day after day, grueling pain and I still went to work. I don't want a medal. I don't want sympathy. But if someone asks me how I am doing and I say "fine", I want them to understand that I am sparing them a rant about how poorly I feel.

Because the problem isn't just that I am in pain. It's that it makes everything else negative as well. I'm in pain, so I can't sleep. The medications make it difficult to keep food down, so I am not eating much. The food I can eat isn't the best for my diabetes, so I am spiking my glucose levels when I do eat. All of these things contribute to a negative space and while I try to keep positive, it gets to be a real challenge.

So when someone asks me how I am doing, the usual answer is going to be "fine" because no one wants the torrent of negative feeling that I can produce at any given time.

I could say more, but I don't think I have anything new..

"I can't control my brain...

My previous psychiatrist had to leave his practice. His mother was ailing so he moved back east to take care of her. I liked him, so I was rather bummed. I met my new psychiatrist last week.

She seems very nice and she took nearly an hour with me (typical appointment is 30 minutes) to discuss where I was. One of the things she had me do was fill out the ACE survey. In what will surprise no one, my score is rather high.

She also had me go through a panel of assessments and asked some really difficult questions.

So first the good:

• My weight has stabilized at about 20 lbs. less than it was last year. 
• I am managing my depression fairly well.
• I feel that my relationship with my husband has improved.

Now the bad:

• My ADHD is causing a lot of issues.
• I am on an emotional hair trigger.
• I am not taking care of my diabetes. 
• My blood pressure is too high.
• My anxiety is becoming an obstacle to my health and wellness.

I had been hoping to start easing off of the medications. While there is a part of me that just wants to chuck them all, given how I am treating my long term health goals (blood pressure and diabetes) I don't think that is a wise decision. My psychiatrist strongly recommended that I increase one of my medications. She believes it should address my anxiety issues. I agreed and started the higher dosage this week.

However, I can't even accurately assess how I am doing because I have an ear infection. So I am taking sudafed, painkillers and doing very little because I feel so bad. This will be day 2 of going to work, being miserable all day and then going home. It would be day 3, but I had obligations on Tuesday and I didn't want to miss them. I have obligations for this afternoon, but I don't think I will be able to fulfill them.

Regardless, I am miserable, irritable and anxious right now. I know that it's the medications I am taking for my ears, but that doesn't make dealing the anxiety. My ear drum was perforated nine years ago because I didn't treat an infection aggressively enough. Now I am especially susceptible to viral and bacterial infections in that ear. Regardless of what anxiety it causes me, I take decongestants and I take pain medication and hope the pain doesn't get too bad. I won't go to the doctor unless I spike a fever. There is little they can do, since I can't take stronger pain medication and antibiotics aren't terribly useful for viral infections (which many of my earaches are.)

I was hoping to make it through the week, but tomorrow is looking less and less likely. I am barely making it through today. When I get an ear infection, it translates into my jaw and so my teeth hurt. It's really frustrating, because then I don't want to eat, which makes it hard to take all of the medications, since they tend to irritate my stomach.

I know I should be positive, but at the moment I just want to be wrapped up in a blanket and drinking hot tea. I am really positive that's what I want.

"Who said that they cared, But then laughed as you cried.."

My relationship with my father was troubled. I believe I have spoke about it before. One of the things that always hurt me deeply was his inability to draw boundaries. It often felt like he had no will of his own, but followed whichever person in his life was strongest. When my father would rebel, he would do it subtly and in ways that most people wouldn’t even notice. My father was rarely, if ever, direct and explicit.

If I wanted anything from my father, I had to deal with my stepmother, who controlled everything (it seemed). She decided that she wouldn’t pay for a wedding (despite the ridiculously large wedding that her own daughter had been given and then didn’t make it a year before she left the guy.) My stepmother was fairly generous toward my daughter (although not a wedding worth).

If I seem bitter, I am. Thanks to my stepmother and my stepsister, I didn’t just lose my father, but I got stuck with a huge mess when he lost the house that had been in my family for over 70 years. (It was during the foreclosure crisis, but too early for me to file a claim.) I try not to let that color the good memories of my father, but with his birthday coming up on Saturday, it's hard not to fall into depression and sadness that I am still not over it.

I try not to live my life with a tally sheet. I try not to count everything that is done for me and everything I do for people. It is hard. If I didn’t hold my father accountable, I’d receive nothing. Whether it was love, material things, or attention, it was always a competition and one I felt like I was losing.

I have often said that I am not truly polyamorous; I'm just greedy. If there is anything I consistently fail at, is when I am in a relationship and I feel things are “unfair”. I try to be meticulous about balancing between partners. Few people can meet my standard, because I don't communicate it. I remember telling my husband that I didn’t mind that he was spending time with his secondary, the problem was that he would make sure to leave work on time when he had a date, but came home late every other night of the week.. I wanted one night where ha came home on time for me too. (To his credit he is better about that now whether he is dating someone or not.)

I have to be very careful when I am dating other people, especially when there are metamours in the mix. I strongly feel that I don’t have a lot of say about who my partners date or how they spend their time. I just want to feel like a valued part of their lives.  I understand that “fair” is not a useful term. Equitable isn’t too bad, but even that suggests that a person can’t have agency about who they see or how they spend their time.

If I am in a relationship and I feel competitive, I react poorly especially if I feel like I'm losing. I  become incredibly aware of every transaction and count them. If it's really bad, I throw up my hands and give up.  The wise thing to do would be to communicate this to people I date. I have tried. However it always comes across as jealousy. I understand why. It’s hard to explain that those buttons were put in place long before I met them. If there is anything that consistently ends my relationships, it’s this problem.

In other words, Daddy didn’t love me enough, so one else will either. (I don't believe this, but it often feels like this is the root of all my relationship choices.)

Another day where the song choice seemed super obvious.