"Said I wouldn't call, but I lost all control and I need you now..."

I am not terribly good at asking for help. I am sure I have discussed this. My family was always the sort who pulled themselves up by their own bootstraps and worked hard. If you couldn't afford something, you went without. (This included winter coats, dental work, eyeglasses and medical care.)

I hate borrowing money from friends. I don't if she realizes it, but I finally got to the point where I don't keep a tally sheet of everything that my best friend pays for, so I can make sure I pay her back. I think that took years for me to accomplish. I finally believe that we are spending each according to their ability.

I got into a fight with a friend this weekend and my first impulse was to make sure that I paid them back for everything that I think I owe them. (They ran some errands for me this weekend, picking up groceries and the like.)

However the subject of the fight was more important than any money I might owe them. I don't accept help easily. I hate asking. It goes against everything I was raised with. I kvetched yesterday on Facebook, noting that I would have liked to do a thing, but due to pain medication and other issues, I wasn't comfortable driving. A friend responded that if that came up again, I should ask them about meeting close to my home. Another friend told me that I should reach out and ask for a ride.

I don't accept help easily. When I finally do let someone help me, I am really defensive. I am horribly afraid that I am asking too much. I accept help, but only if I think that I can either repay the person back (like helping them move) or if I feel that I have already done enough for them that I have earned their help.

The friend I got into a fight with was because I got defensive about accepting their help. Whether they meant to do so or not, I felt like I asked too much and I hurt them. Family and cultural response is to withdraw from the person. I shouldn't have asked anything them and in fact, I shouldn't talk to them at all, that way I can't inadvertently ask anything of them again. If I am able to trust someone enough to ask them for help, I am also trusting them to take care of themselves. If I am asking for help, they can't expect me to monitor how much they are offering and warn them if they are overextending themselves. I also expect them to communicate their limitations with me.

As you can imagine, I don't ask many people for help. I like my friendships and apparently asking people to have firm boundaries and communicate them is a good way of ruining a relationship with them. (I am being sarcastic. I am not good with boundaries or communication. I am more likely to ghost on someone then to tell them that they have asked more of me than I have to offer.)

I am not sure what I am going to do. I have realized that I am horrible at asking for help and I'll usually suffer instead of letting someone see any weakness. However, the fight yesterday was so significant that I am not sure that I can get past it.  I thought I could trust this person and they told me that I asked too much. They told me this when I was vulnerable and in pain, which was a kick to the gut when I needed it least.

So now I know not to ask them...for anything. I won't ask them for anything, ever again.

I figure that there is something wrong with me. I see other people rely on their community and their friends when they are in pain or need. The thought of doing so just makes me feel like I will get exploited or like yesterday, kicked in the gut when I have no defenses. I feel like I would rather be alone and suffer.

Perhaps I just lack emotional intelligence.