In true ACA fashion, I swung to the other extreme. I try to be the most supportive damn person I know how to be. I have hurt myself in trying to be supportive of friends, partners, my children, etc. I am still learning appropriate boundaries. I have been told that I am too supportive. I know that I am not alone in that club.
My second husband was very good at exploiting my supportive side. Our marriage ended over 13 years ago, so I am not trying to ascribe malicious intent. I honestly don't know what he meant to do. I do remember his actions. He would demand support in ways that made it nearly impossible to refuse him. He'd keep me from sleeping, refuse to do housework or become verbally abusive if he felt like I wasn't accommodating his needs and wants. While there were many, many problems in our marriage, I believe his demands for support regardless of what was going on in my life was the deal breaker. He demanded support. He could be and was very supportive but it came with a price tag.
My experiences with my parents and with my ex-husband made me very aware of how important support and attention can be. One of the big changes I made during and after my divorce was that I made my children my first priority. I wasn't perfect, but no matter how long my day was, how sick I was, how stressed, or whatever, I reminded myself that my children would only live with me for a limited period of time. There was plenty of time to watch tv, rest, pursue hobbies, read books, or go to dance events when my children grew up and moved out. I also learned that in order to be a loving and supportive parent, I had to take care of my needs (which were sometimes dancing, watching tv or sleeping). Figuring out the balance between taking care of myself and being a parent is something I still struggle with.
Thanks to my husband, I found that I have no patience with people who bitch and whine about their problems, but don't do anything about them. I don't mean like someone who went through a divorce, is dealing with financial issues and is in a very negative space. I am astounded at how a person in that situation gets up every day and goes to work and while supporting their child through some challenging transitions. That person is doing something. If they come across as negative, that's because we live in a society that doesn't support single parents and in a part of the country that is stupidly expensive. I don't hold that against anyone, especially since I have been there.
I mean the people who treat those around them like shit and then give the excuse that they are depressed while doing nothing to address their depression. I don't mean a week or two of being negative, I mean the same complaints month after month after month. I mean the person who railed at one of the loveliest people I know and then excused their behavior as "stress related" and refused to apologize. I mean the person who has a job, friends, a loving family, and is still bitching about feeling overwhelmed. I understand feeling overwhelmed, but then ask for help. It should not take over a year to get into therapy if your depression and feelings of being overwhelmed are impacting your job or your relationships.
Maybe I lack sympathy, but my reaction to those people has become increasingly negative. I have become that person who wants to explain that I cashed in all of my retirement and investments so that my children had a roof and food when I was unemployed for nearly a year. I still am not sure how I will be paying for retirement because of stuff I did to survive 15 years ago. I want to yell at them that my father passed away in 2011 and I can't remember when he ever told me he was proud of me. I understand that they feel stressed about Dad's health or the thing Dad expects or whatever else, but fucking remember that some people don't have fathers at all. I want to scream at them that I managed to finish my teaching credential while one of my children was going through some serious crap and while it wasn't easy and it took a lot of support, I did get through it.
It's not a matter of trying to win a game of misery poker. People have problems and I am not the judge of what is difficult enough to complain about. People might need support for things that I don't consider an issue the same way that I need support for things that people may not understand about me. There are many things I can accomplish, but for some reason sending mail through the post is a huge issue for me. If I want to make sure something is mailed, I have to ask my husband or one of my children to do it for me. I know it's silly, and so what. I don't like sending mail and so it's a place I need support. However, that issue has never been an excuse to avoid paying my bills or submitting forms to the IRS.
Regardless of whether a problem is large or small, I want to give people support and understanding. However, at a certain point, if I hear the same complaint, the same problem, or someone dealing with the same consequences over and over again and all they do is bitch and moan, I lose all of my patience. If you need help, ask and I will drive you to the doctor. If you need food, I will grocery shop and cook. If you need a kind ear to just listen, I will do my best. But so help me, if all you can do is apologize and tell me that you are trying (when you haven't changed your actions in months) I am going to lose patience and I am going to walk away.
I know because I have. I got tired of hearing about how a relationship that only lasted for a few months was the most important one ever and that the person couldn't get over it. I got tired of it and told the person we couldn't talk about that relationship any more. When they said I wasn't being supportive and started implying other things, I walked away from that friendship and haven't looked back. Yes, I have been hung up on people. Hell, I still am hung up on a couple. You'll notice that I don't talk about them daily or mention them? Yeah, because at a certain point, the relationship isn't going to happen and you just suck it up and deal.
This isn't just friends, either. As a teacher, I am really fucking tired of hearing about how sorry politicians are that students are being shot and killed. Spare me your apologies and prayers, do something tangible. I have to have a license to drive. I had to get bonded (with a background check) to work in a bank. I have my credentials checked frequently before I'm allowed in a classroom. I don't need congress to ban all the guns or guns of a certain type or whatever. I just want the people whom I have voted to govern me to make laws that do what they are supposed to do, which is make sure that my life isn't sacrificed to someone else's rights. Free speech doesn't mean I can yell "Fire" in a crowded theater. The second amendment doesn't guarantee that anyone can own a weapon.
If that makes me unsympathetic, so be it. If this means I am not "woke" or whatever, I am fine with that. Everyone has problems and no one is responsible for solving mine except me. I vote, I draw boundaries and do my best to own my shit to the best of my ability. If I can't, I try to ask for support or I try not to impose on others.
I expect others to do their best to do the same. If that makes me a judgemental bitch, fine, give me the damn t-shirt.
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