"Who said that they cared, But then laughed as you cried.."

My relationship with my father was troubled. I believe I have spoke about it before. One of the things that always hurt me deeply was his inability to draw boundaries. It often felt like he had no will of his own, but followed whichever person in his life was strongest. When my father would rebel, he would do it subtly and in ways that most people wouldn’t even notice. My father was rarely, if ever, direct and explicit.

If I wanted anything from my father, I had to deal with my stepmother, who controlled everything (it seemed). She decided that she wouldn’t pay for a wedding (despite the ridiculously large wedding that her own daughter had been given and then didn’t make it a year before she left the guy.) My stepmother was fairly generous toward my daughter (although not a wedding worth).

If I seem bitter, I am. Thanks to my stepmother and my stepsister, I didn’t just lose my father, but I got stuck with a huge mess when he lost the house that had been in my family for over 70 years. (It was during the foreclosure crisis, but too early for me to file a claim.) I try not to let that color the good memories of my father, but with his birthday coming up on Saturday, it's hard not to fall into depression and sadness that I am still not over it.

I try not to live my life with a tally sheet. I try not to count everything that is done for me and everything I do for people. It is hard. If I didn’t hold my father accountable, I’d receive nothing. Whether it was love, material things, or attention, it was always a competition and one I felt like I was losing.

I have often said that I am not truly polyamorous; I'm just greedy. If there is anything I consistently fail at, is when I am in a relationship and I feel things are “unfair”. I try to be meticulous about balancing between partners. Few people can meet my standard, because I don't communicate it. I remember telling my husband that I didn’t mind that he was spending time with his secondary, the problem was that he would make sure to leave work on time when he had a date, but came home late every other night of the week.. I wanted one night where ha came home on time for me too. (To his credit he is better about that now whether he is dating someone or not.)

I have to be very careful when I am dating other people, especially when there are metamours in the mix. I strongly feel that I don’t have a lot of say about who my partners date or how they spend their time. I just want to feel like a valued part of their lives.  I understand that “fair” is not a useful term. Equitable isn’t too bad, but even that suggests that a person can’t have agency about who they see or how they spend their time.

If I am in a relationship and I feel competitive, I react poorly especially if I feel like I'm losing. I  become incredibly aware of every transaction and count them. If it's really bad, I throw up my hands and give up.  The wise thing to do would be to communicate this to people I date. I have tried. However it always comes across as jealousy. I understand why. It’s hard to explain that those buttons were put in place long before I met them. If there is anything that consistently ends my relationships, it’s this problem.

In other words, Daddy didn’t love me enough, so one else will either. (I don't believe this, but it often feels like this is the root of all my relationship choices.)

Another day where the song choice seemed super obvious.