"I can't control my brain...

My previous psychiatrist had to leave his practice. His mother was ailing so he moved back east to take care of her. I liked him, so I was rather bummed. I met my new psychiatrist last week.

She seems very nice and she took nearly an hour with me (typical appointment is 30 minutes) to discuss where I was. One of the things she had me do was fill out the ACE survey. In what will surprise no one, my score is rather high.

She also had me go through a panel of assessments and asked some really difficult questions.

So first the good:

• My weight has stabilized at about 20 lbs. less than it was last year. 
• I am managing my depression fairly well.
• I feel that my relationship with my husband has improved.

Now the bad:

• My ADHD is causing a lot of issues.
• I am on an emotional hair trigger.
• I am not taking care of my diabetes. 
• My blood pressure is too high.
• My anxiety is becoming an obstacle to my health and wellness.

I had been hoping to start easing off of the medications. While there is a part of me that just wants to chuck them all, given how I am treating my long term health goals (blood pressure and diabetes) I don't think that is a wise decision. My psychiatrist strongly recommended that I increase one of my medications. She believes it should address my anxiety issues. I agreed and started the higher dosage this week.

However, I can't even accurately assess how I am doing because I have an ear infection. So I am taking sudafed, painkillers and doing very little because I feel so bad. This will be day 2 of going to work, being miserable all day and then going home. It would be day 3, but I had obligations on Tuesday and I didn't want to miss them. I have obligations for this afternoon, but I don't think I will be able to fulfill them.

Regardless, I am miserable, irritable and anxious right now. I know that it's the medications I am taking for my ears, but that doesn't make dealing the anxiety. My ear drum was perforated nine years ago because I didn't treat an infection aggressively enough. Now I am especially susceptible to viral and bacterial infections in that ear. Regardless of what anxiety it causes me, I take decongestants and I take pain medication and hope the pain doesn't get too bad. I won't go to the doctor unless I spike a fever. There is little they can do, since I can't take stronger pain medication and antibiotics aren't terribly useful for viral infections (which many of my earaches are.)

I was hoping to make it through the week, but tomorrow is looking less and less likely. I am barely making it through today. When I get an ear infection, it translates into my jaw and so my teeth hurt. It's really frustrating, because then I don't want to eat, which makes it hard to take all of the medications, since they tend to irritate my stomach.

I know I should be positive, but at the moment I just want to be wrapped up in a blanket and drinking hot tea. I am really positive that's what I want.