"But in order to root out the cancer..."

I had my second visit with my new psychiatrist. The overall diagnosis, I need to get rid of some of the stress in my life.

HA! If that isn't the understatement of the year.

I know she is right. I allow too much stress in my life.

I have a stressful job. I love teaching, but I need to manage my workload better if I am to make it less stressful. My psychiatrist and I decided to add an ADHD medication back into my daily regime. I am hoping that better focus will help me better tackle my workload. I am concerned about my blood pressure, but the hope is that the impact will be minimal. That said, I will need to get a blood pressure monitor and start checking it daily.

Mmmmm, tasty, tasty data. I need to start charting my numbers and get a better grasp of what's going on with my body.

So that’s a step toward dealing with the job stress.

The personal stuff is a little more difficult. Dancing was a way that I  restored my equilibrium. I cannot recall the last time I went dancing. Regrettably, dancing is no longer restorative. I feel that I have to deal with an angry child who has a history of throwing public tantrums. I don’t feel comfortable attending the country style dances because I know that this person will break a set (refuse to hold hands, do figures and dance) with someone that they don’t like. I don't believe that anyone one has called them on their behavior. In fact, this person is in positions of leadership in many dance communities, so I guess I must be wrong and they aren't doing anything that would push people out. (That's sarcasm, by the way. I am tired of no one giving a shit and just letting the situation continue, but I guess charismatic people get a different set of rules.)

Perhaps I am bitter and angry, but I guess I need to find a different restorative and physical endeavor that doesn't involve people  to reduce my stress.

I don’t want to suggest that one person is responsible for my stress. I don’t want to give anyone that sort of power over me. However, social anxiety and other factors make attending dance events stressful, not restorative. I will look into other dance communities in the future, but not now.

The other personal stuff, to paraphrase the wonderful wording of a friend of mine, involves me sponging up too much angst that mostly does not involve me. The angst is exacerbated by silence, tantrums, emotional meltdowns and communication issues. I no longer talk to anyone about my issues with this person because I know that most people would tell me to DTMFA and would ask me why I haven’t already. I can't think of anyone who would support me continuing this relationship

I have not ended it already because sometimes staying in a bad situation is better than dealing with change. However after talking to my psychiatrist yesterday, I feel I am  running out of options. I can't pretend that I am not doing this to myself.

I watched my heart rate yesterday and tracked it really closely. It elevated because of said bad situation and spiked a couple of times during the evening. My heart rate never settled below 74, That’s too damn high for a resting heart rate. I was watching closely because I have been taking sudafed for my sinus infection. In fact, I didn’t take any last night because I was so worried about my blood pressure.

I didn’t sleep well. My sinuses were probably part of the problem, but I believe that stress was a huge factor in my lack of sleep.

I am not sure if ending this relationship will improve my stress issues, but I doubt it will make them worse, at least not in the long run. It's not what I want to do, but I guess that isn't a factor anymore. I just don't want to go through a big change. I want life to be calm while I sort things out. A few months ago my therapist suggested that I wait making any changes regarding this relationship until other things settled down. I don't think she'd make the same recommendation now.

So today's song is Severed with that idea in mind.