"All Shades, all hues, all blues..."

It has been an eventful few days and since a lot of it has to do with fair, I am not supposed to say anything. Let's just say that I am sick and tired of people telling me that my feelings aren't relevant because someone else regrets that their actions have ongoing consequences. I want to be respectful of people's needs. Recently, it has felt like I am expected to be the one to give way because I am functional. Can someone explain to me what advantage there is in being functional if all that happens is that I am expected to take care of everyone else, but can't get my own needs met?

Yes, I am whinging. I'll get over it.

I have been very concerned about telling Keto and Rope Guy too much about my feelings regarding DA. I feel like I am damaged goods. On the other hand, I don't want to lie to them either.

As I mentioned here before, DA and I had come to a somewhat uncomfortable, but workable dètente. DA and his father stopped by my area of fair the weekend before this most recent one. I was polite to them both. When I ran into his father later, I fielded some minor grilling without letting Dad know how I felt about what DA was doing. While I don't usually condone lying to parents, I understood from the beginning that DA was not going to explain to his family about his non-monogamous choices. I supported his reasoning than and still do. I specifically told him that he could bring his parents by when they came to visit this season and that I would not say anything untoward. I like his parents and I am gratified that they wanted to see me during their visit.

DA's mother came out this past weekend. DA sent me a text on Saturday morning, but well after the opening of fair. I saw his mother and her friend long before I saw his text. I was polite and pleasant, although it felt a bit awkward. (His mother isn't stupid and I think she knows that something is amiss, since he didn't accompany her to see me or his other ex who is at fair.) I ran into DA later and I mentioned that I had seen her. He asked me if I had seen his text and explained that his mother and he hoped that I would give his mother's friend the "tart treatment".

There is so much to unpack there, but I don't want this entry to be all about DA, so I will try to leave it at this.

1. His roommate is a tart (and my fucking director), he could have asked her. 
2. It was the first time he had contacted me in weeks and it was to ask me a favor.
3. He was clueless as to why asking me to do him a favor would be an issue.

I snapped. I responded to his text and said, "We aren’t friends, by your demand. I’m sorry that is inconvenient for you and your mother. I did not tell you that you can’t be in contact with your exes.

I was happy to see your mother, but this is the request you make of a friend. If your mother wants it, you are welcome to give her my number. 

I understand why you have to lie to your parents. However if [your girlfriend] doesn’t want you to speak to me, then don't. Further, don’t put yourself in the position to lie to your girlfriend. You think that you would have learned that fucking lesson by now.

Leave me alone, DA! You made this stupid fucking choice. We aren’t friends now. We won’t get to be friends just because [your girlfriend] is no longer [abroad]. By your choice, we will never be friends. I know that, even if you are too stupid to realize it."

Today, Rope Guy started asking some pointed questions about my history with DA and my current feelings. He made some difficult (but true) observations.

(posted without his permission) "That’s the core of the hurt, isn’t it? DA chose to be with someone who expects to dictate who he can talk to. He’d prefer to deal with it by dishonesty rather than standing up and saying 'Rachel is too important to me for me to agree to that.' So he’s not even understanding how he rejected you...he doesn’t see that he has."

There is a reason I am taken with the man. He put my feelings into better words than I could.

However, he followed that up with" "And I’m going to insert my own needs in here for a moment. The emotional power [DA] has over you makes me frightened that I will be competing with him for your attention when he is back in your life."

And he is right, because I don't want to think what would happen if DA were to come back into my life. However, it made me realize that I don't want DA. As good as this season of fair has been, I will be so glad when I don't have to see DA every week. These past few months have been a constant reminder of how unhealthy my relationship with DA has been and how it won't get better.

All I could do is assure Rope Guy that even if DA were to dump his girlfriend right now and beg me to take him back, I know I would say no. I have worked too damn hard to get to where I am now to consider anything else. I also said that I would understand if he'd prefer to put things on hold with me.

I really appreciated his response (again reprinted without permission): "I don’t think you’re a bad choice for me. :-) I do acknowledge that I see risks to our relationship but I think that’s manageable. And the idea of going away and coming back when you are better is making me very sad, so that’s not my preferred option. "

Rope Guy and I have a lot more to discuss, although I am not sure how to best deal with it all.

I don't have a great song for today. Rope Guy is a jazz bass player, so I am going to use a jazz piece that he told me has his favorite bass part.

Today's Song - All Blues by Miles Davis