"This is the way it should be, for lovers..."

So much has happened in the past few weeks that I don’t think I can journal chronologically. So, thematically it is.

Keto is still around and that is proceeding apace. I will journal about him later. Today is about Rope Guy.

Rope Guy and I had our first overnight and I managed to fuck up the follow up. There were reasons and valid excuses, but I failed my Poly Wisdom check.

RG is a self-described New York Jew who is very smart. He is a programmer, so yes I have a type. He is married and has a family. I really like his wife. I want to introduce my husband to them both. Not to make up a polycule, but because they are both neat people.

Rope Guy approached me on Fetlife. Unlike many of the guys there, he was thoughtful and considerate. We exchanged notes for a while, but then “stuff happened” for both of us and we stopped communicating.

We met up at a local munch a few months ag and started chatting again. There was a shibari rope class that he wanted to take, but he needed a rope bunny. It sounded like fun, so I agreed to give it a try.  I knew that I was getting involved with Keto, so I wasn’t intending to start up another relationship. I was just going to be a rope bunny. Further, He and his wife are sorting out their feelings about being poly and either of them having a secondary. There are so many reasons that I should be running away, screaming.

You know what they say about intentions?

Keto and I went to a kink convention together. (This is the other entry I am trying to write out) Rope Guy was also there, although he was attending alone. He and I agreed to take some rope classes together and maybe do a rope scene or two.

I very carefully explained to RG (and Keto) my anxiety about touch. I am afraid, all the time. I am afraid that I will touch the wrong way, ask for the wrong thing. Recent previous partners have intensified this issue by making touch something to be withheld, so I have been sitting in a cocoon and afraid to come out. By the time RG and I did our first rope session, I was absolutely touch starved. (It’s not that my husband and I don’t touch. It’s just not our primary communication style. We’re working on it.)

Rope Guy has made a point of demonstrating and initiating affectionate touch, playful touch, sensual touch, and more recently some kink/sexy touch. He seems to take great joy in touching me and says that he really enjoys my reactions. RG and Keto both have observed that I am like a cat and they enjoy making me purr. 

RG and I met up at the kink convention and we agreed to some private time to practice the new ties we learned and play a bit. In the course of our play, I had a gigglegasm.

Allow me to explain. A gigglegasm is when I orgasm until I collapse into helpless giggles and laughter. It is the most amazing feeling. I don’t know exactly how to achieve them, but it usually happens when I am incredibly stressed, frustrated and haven’t had any release in a while. I also have to be incredibly comfortable with the person. I don’t think I have had one in a couple of years.

So my body demonstrated that I am really comfortable around Rope Guy. He speaks fluent Rachel. (He says it’s because I speak fluent Rope Guy.) It’s started out as being excellent rope partners, but it’s been slowly turning into enjoyable company and play. What I find funny is that as much fun as we have playing together, we also just enjoy spending time together and talking.

We are both fairly high strung and anxious people who require a lot of emotional processing. We are married to very quiet, very introverted partners. I believe that RG and I would be horrible primaries, we’d feed on each other’s worst fears. However, as secondaries, we can get our serotonin and dopamine jollies with each other and then return rejuvenated to our partners.

Provided I remember that I am dealing with someone who is as anxious as I am and needs me to check in and give support. I also have to remember that his wife and he haven’t had an active secondary in their marriage.

You know what they say about intentions?

On Sunday evening of the kink convention, Keto and I were playing. I had tentative plans to also play with Rope Guy, but I politely declined them. I felt that Keto needed some additional after care and consideration. RG agreed with me and admitted that he was feeling overbooked and tired. We agreed to get together later in the week.

The next morning I sent Keto off to work and I got ready for the rest of my day. As I was packing up, I received an e-mail from RG. He woke up feeling abandoned and alone because he realized that he wanted someone to think of his needs and aftercare the way I thought of Keto’s.

He didn’t begrudge Keto or me the time we had spent together the night before. He agreed and supported me taking care of the person I was at the convention with. However, he realized that he had feelings for me and was jealous that I was not available. Yes, he had played with other people, but I was the only person that he felt connected to.

According to him, he woke up at 4am and wrote me this very long e-mail, the sort you never send to the person it’s addressed to (oh, that’s what I have been doing wrong!) His wife texted him and he told her what was going on. She asked him to send her the e-mail. She read it and told him to rewrite it and send it to me. That I needed to know. I needed to know that he had developed feelings for me.

He sent me a very edited version of his e-mail. He articulated what he was feeling and what he needed. It was clear, concise, and I knew what he wanted me to do, Imagine that, clear communication? (*snark*)

I figured he had already left for work and it was time to leave. I decided I would text him a quick note and connect with him later. I I took my stuff down to my car and was about to drive out of the garage when I saw Rope Guy. I immediately pulled my car over and ran over to him. I gave him a big hug and reassured him of some of the concerns in his e-mail. He got his connection and told me later how much he appreciated that I had taken immediate action.  

I saw him again a few days later and we processed what we were thinking and feeling. (Imagine that, someone who cares what I am feeling and actively listens? *snark*).

Rope Guy’s wife pointed out to him that I was turning into a girlfriend. She did not seem to mind. She noted that he wanted to talk to me between Friday and Tuesday, even though we had a planned rope date for Tuesday. We were exchanging daily e-mails and texts.

We agreed to have an actual date and spend the night together. We went to a flogging workshop after fair last week. The workshop was really interesting and the dungeon was not at all crowded, so we were able to have a wonderfully quiet and mostly private play session.

We spent a fairly good night together. RG was incredibly attentive and sweet. I had left fair that day with the fuss about boundaries unresolved. I was raw and hurting due to this ongoing fuss. RG did a great job of distracting me from the whole thing.

We parted Saturday morning in good spirits. I went to fair, got hit with the drama and completely forgot about RG. It is understandable, it was a very emotionally challenging weekend. However, it was the first night he had spent with someone who was not his wife. I should have checked in on him.

I finally dropped him a note on Tuesday. I got a reply and in it he described how much he felt like I didn't like him or maybe had changed my mind. Again, it was clear, concise and his needs were articulated. I called him up, we talked through it and he said that between figuring out what he had been missing and afraid to ask for, he felt better. The fact that as soon as I found out, I put everything aside and asked him how I could support him really helped. RG doesn't know this, but I put aside the conversation I was having with DA, which tells me how important I think Rope Guy is.

I saw RG last night and he told me that his wife was really appreciative that I cleaned up my own damn mess and took ownership for it.

Part of the reason I made the choice I did about putting any further energy into other relationships has been greatly influenced by what’s happening with RG. I didn’t expect a relationship with him, certainly not an emotional one, but that is where I find myself. I know where my priority lies and while the mistake I made about our first night together might be understandable, it’s not a mistake I care to repeat.

I am really worried about being in two relationships (outside of my marriage) when my feelings regarding DA are so fraught. I have tried to be very communicative with RG and Keto about where I am emotionally, but I don’t think that either of them are in a position to truly understand my feelings.

I also know myself, neither of them are relationships that I can put off until some magical time when I feel “whole”. Keto and RG (who get along and work together very well) don’t mind sharing me with each other or my husband. They are both looking forward to when I am done with this fair season and am not burning the candle at both ends.

I am still worried about entering into relationships when my emotions are so volatile. Due to fair and my job, neither Keto or RG have had to deal with an emotional Rachel. I am worried that when I am not constantly running, I will fall apart on them and they won’t like me anymore.

However, I think that it says something that while RG and I were talking, we discussed the movie “Same Time, Next Year”. It reminded me that that it has been a long time since I emotionally related to someone who was older than me. It was novel.

While not about ethical non-monogamy, the movie does explore how much an intimate relationship outside of marriage can have a positive influence. It was a delight to discuss the movie in a poly context with someone who was familiar with it.

So today's song is from another romantic movie because I don't feel like the one from the movie is quite appropriate.  So I am going to take this one from The Lake House.