No song, just hating everything!

I have been in pain for over a week. It’s isn’t severe, but it’s constant. I can’t eat. I can’t think. I can barely function. Yet, I have been going to work because I can’t think of anything else to fucking do. 

I spent yesterday on pain medications that barely worked and made me super emotional. 

Yesterday my husband told me that he wanted to take the weekend off. I suppose that’s fair, because neither of my children are his. What the fuck is Mother’s Day between us? (To be fair, he did buy me flowers.) I spent most of the day crying and hungry.

Yesterday, my boyfriend (who really shouldn’t be) decided that his “me time” was actually his “spend time with his other girlfriend and neglect to tell me about it” time. The resulting nuclear text blast was epic and the fallout is probably that the relationship is over and there is little chance of salvaging anything positive. I spent most of the day already upset, so I am not sure where the crying from feeling betrayed and the crying of feeling dumped is. I suppose it really doesn’t matter. I know I don’t matter to him. If I did, he wouldn’t treat me this way. 

I woke up this morning in pain. I am the first one up. 

I woke up to a text diatribe from my daughter explaining to me why she wouldn’t visit me today. She took what I texted her yesterday in the worst passive aggressive way. She decided that she needed to tell me that she could visit me, even if I didn’t offer free laundry, shopping trips or a ride to and from my place. She was in just too much pain and so she wouldn’t be coming down. (I already knew this. But what a great thing to wake up to.)

I would like to note that if what my daughter said was true, then in the years since she’s moved out, she has never come to visit without opting for the free laundry, a shopping trip or a ride. It’s not about visiting me today. It’s that she never visits me unless there is something for her to gain. I won’t bother telling her that (directly), but that was my first thought and I wish it were not a thought that came so readily to mind. I guess I am a horrible mother who doesn’t support her children, on top of everything else. 

My second thought was Happy, Fucking, Mother’s Day.

I have started today alone, in pain, and with nothing to eat. I can’t imagine the day is going to get much better and given how I am feeling, I have no doubt that this morning will be the best fucking part.

I may just have to take tomorrow off from work, but I don’t have a bloody clue what assignments I will give or what I will do with the students, so what’s the point?