I broke up with DA prior to Memorial Day weekend last year. My family and I were ill and DA insisted on coming down to help. I pushed back hard, stating that I knew he had plans with his other girlfriend and that I didn't want to have a fight about my "selfishness" when I was already out of spoons. He said that he would handle his plans with other girlfriend. He promised that he would help.
I am not sure how it went this way (it was a bad weekend all around), but what ended up happening is that he did his laundry at my place on Friday night. On Saturday morning he left and spent the rest of the weekend taking care of his other girlfriend who was feeling lonely or whatever her damage was.
During the resulting fight, DA decided that he and I needed a two week break of no contact. I decided that I was tired of his bull shit. I told him that he could have as long of a break as he wanted. (This was helped along by a very blunt and trusted friend who pointed out that a two week silence was a coward's break up.)
DA and I never got back "together". We spent the summer trying to work something out, but it didn't happen. Other girlfriend had opinions. DA also met his current girlfriend about that time. The problems just kept getting worse and worse. DA and I saw each other. We slept together and even shared physical intimacy last summer, but the relationship was in it's death throes.
I believe that I didn't cut DA off sooner because between the chronic pain and familial issues, cutting him out of my life was more trauma than I could handle. Two weeks after I got oral surgery (which ended my chronic migraines and pain issues) I left DA for good. We didn't communicate much and saw each other rarely. I may have bitched and complained about him excessively on this blog, but in my day to day life, DA and I had very little contact. Despite the efforts of our mutual friends, we never found a comfortable space. After a very frustrating run of the Christmas fair, I decided that an extended period of absolutely no contact was best for everyone.
I met DA at the end of 2014. In the years we have known each other, 2019 is the the longest we've gone with zero contact. There was no social media connections, no texts, no e-mails, no in person run-ins. I called the moratorium on contact. DA absolutely respected my request. I ended the moratorium with a handwritten letter asking to meet once and see what was possible. I requested that we meet in person and that we avoid an extended e-mail exchange before hand. I just wanted a meeting that involved taking a walk and hanging out.
I imagine some of you are asking, "Why, Rachel, Why?" I am not going to justify, argue, defend or explain (Thank you Beth for sharing this with me). I made a choice and I am recording it here.
DA's reply was very enthusiastic. He told me how much he missed our friendship and how he hoped we could build something that would be beneficial for both of us. Then, in a very long e-mail, he stated rules about his current relationship. DA said (shared without permission) : "I can say with certainty from my side that our friendship needs to be peacefully coexist with my relationship with [current girlfriend]. I understand if this makes it untenable, but I cannot divide my life the way I did during my relationships with you and [other girlfriend].”
I don't have an issue with DA stating that actively sabotaging his current relationship is off the table. Given that I dealt with the same issue for the majority of my relationship with DA (thank you other girlfriend and "abusive" ex), I know how shitty it is.
But DA really overreached. I wasn't talking about a friendship, not yet. I was talking about getting together to see if there was any potential. DA was laying out rules for who are interactions would include and that as of our second meeting, his girlfriend had to feel welcome to join us.
In his defense, he was tried to walk things back, be open to my concerns and has made it very clear that he is willing to do the work to regain our friendship. While I know there is a lot of bad about him, but he was a close friend for a long time and I have missed the good parts of our friendship. I hoped that we could begin to rebuild something positive between us.
I didn't think that I would be able to build a friendship with DA and ignore the people he was involved with. However, given the reasons our relationship ended, I think he is being an inconsiderate ass with little regard for boundaries. Yes, I know that is a consistent problem. I didn't think he would magically fix everything. I just hoped that he would have gained at least a clue.
I guess I was expecting too much.
Today's song is because I couldn't find anything that really resonated for me. This seems apt enough.
Today's Song - Strawberry Fields Forever by The Beatles
*nods*
ReplyDelete