"Will I ever be more than I've always been?"

There was a horrible night many years ago. I had been dating a guy for a few months and he had gone on a week long trip and neglected to mention it to me. By the time he returned, I was in full melt down and I don't think we ever saw each other again. There were some really nasty exchanges via e-mail and the phone, but I don't believe we saw each other.

I try not to indulge in what ifs, but I wonder what happened in the parallel world where I was taking brain medications and didn't go psycho.

I learned some valuable lessons from that experience. I learned that if I go crazy like that, it's because my chemistry is way off. I also learned that I didn't care that he took the trip, I cared that he didn't tell me. I was worried. I felt abandoned.

I have tried to make sure that I do self-checks and don't get myself into full melt down, it happens. It happened over this past weekend. And yes, it happened over DA.  (It wasn't the first time, DA is among a rare group that make me psycho.)

I'd like to blame him, but it would be inaccurate. He is not responsible for the melt down, I am. I was off my brain medications (due to health issues) and I should have just stopped, breathed and let things be. I didn't.

That isn't to say that he did nothing wrong. When I approached him about meeting once to determine if there was a friendship to put together, I think I asked very little. I suggested meeting in public. I set a time limit (90 -120 minutes) and I asked that we not get into an email or text exchange prior to meeting. (There was about three weeks from initial conact and the first available evening we could meet.)

Of course we got into an extended exchange about how his current girlfriend would be incorporated into this "friendship". (I hadn't asked for a friendship, I asked to discuss the potential.)

I pushed back. As DA tried to front load his "needs" and I kept asking him to shut up and just let us meet, things went downhill. At any point, I could have let the arguments go. I didn't and things got mean. I can be a real bitch when I feel fearful and threatened.

I am going to take a moment to point out that I didn't do this alone. The e-mail that finally shut me down was one where DA quoted from my blog as his signature. If was from an entry before I made it friends only. However, how he had the perfect quote to slam me with makes me wonder how he knew to pull it. Further, he swore up and down that he had stopped reading my blog. I want points for not calling him the hypocrite that he is.

I stepped back and wrote: The easiest answer is to tender my apologies and go back to zero contact. It’s not what I want. I just don’t have a better idea.

DA hasn't responded and while I expect he will, I imagine it will only be to agree with me and get a final word in. (He really hates not getting the last word.)


I know I am owed a number of I told you so's by you folks. I know, I know. However, I learned something very important. I feel that this might be an overall win for me, in the long run.


I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I have been living with GAD all of my life. It cost me grades at school, jobs and promotions, friendships and romantic relationships. I need to really start thinking about it and do some cognitive behavioral therapy shit.

“People with GAD [generalized anxiety disorder] don’t know how to stop the worry cycle and feel it is beyond their control, even though they usually realize that their anxiety is more intense than the situation warrants.”

Some days are good, some days are bad, mostly I function. I’m wired the way I am. With all the fabulous and fantastic things my brain can do, there is a huge cost and last weekend the bill came due.

DA makes me very anxious. The "mistakes" he made during and after our relationship hurt in ways that left deep wounds, that are still healing. There are a lot of anxiety minefields wrapped up in our interactions. If DA can't abide by a rule as simple as "no e-mails or texts except logistics", then my anxiety about him isn't going to improve.

I have to wonder if things might have gone a bit better if that fellow I mentioned at the start of this entry and I had just talked things over a coffee. I like to think so, but maybe there are just some relationships that can never be repaired.

Today's Song inspired this entry. I was listening to the PTX channel on You Tube and I heard this song and it absolutely resonated. It is from the show "Dear Evan Hansen", but this is the version I heard first.

Today's Song - Waving Through a Window by Pentatonix