"The dark covers me, and I cannot run now..."

I was in so much pain last night that I couldn't imagine spending one more minute breathing. It wasn't the worst pain of my life. However, it was pain that would not stop. It would spike and come back down, but it was steady and it felt like it would never end. The pain was so bad that I started crying and I could not stop.

I apologized. I apologized to my husband for being in pain. I kept saying how sorry I was, like I had done something wrong by being in pain.

It's a long entry, but I went into this almost a year ago. I went into how frightened I was that I would be abandoned. No, strike that, I felt abandoned.

I feel like I have made so much progress since then. I got out of the destructive relationship I was in. I started working on my self and my self care. I went out of my way to improve what I could, and accept what I couldn't.

And one bad night, and all I could think of was how worthless I am, that if anyone knows how broken I am, they wouldn't stay. I felt like I was right back at square one.

Keto is not the most supportive person. As my housemate is fond of reminding me, I shouldn't expect more. Keto didn't got to 61 without a significant emotional relationship. He is a good friend, but no one has taught him how to be someone's rock. I would never expect more than what's he's done so far.

Rope Guy has dealt with loved ones who have chronic health issues, so he has been a champ. I have shared my concerns with him and he has addressed them with me. It doesn't fix things, but it allows me to at least ask for reassurance.

In fact, I have had a number of friends reach with everything from a "I have similar issues..." to "What can I do to help?"

I know that I am better off than I was this time last year. But I am still scared I will ask for help and be told that someone is more important than I am. That's a wound that goes very deep and I don't know how to cope with it, resolve it, or let it go.

Today's song isn't perfectly accurate, but man when you need some blues, there's no one better than Amy Winehouse for issues about feeling alone.

Today's Song - Wake Up Alone by Amy Winehouse