I won't detail how the conversation came up, but a friend asked why I felt that I was replaceable. I was caught by surprise and it just popped out. "My Daddy replaced me when he married my step mom. He always cared for my step sister more than he did me. My first husband tried to forget we were ever married, much less had a child together. He wanted his second wife to be thought of as his only one and he expected me to leave my daughter's life and allow new wife to bond with her new mother. People are replaceable. I have known that for most of my life."
I am aware this isn't the healthiest attitude. In fact, it probably sets me up for some really bad self-fulfilling prophesies. Jack replaced me with his wife. DA replaced me with his girlfriend, etc.
"But Rachel," you might be saying, "What about your husband? He's been around for fifteen years. Surely you believe that he isn't going to replace you, right?"
I love Kenneth, I truly do. I also know that as much trouble as I cause him (and have caused) that I am better than the alternative. I think that if there was someone who was motivated enough to figure out how to attract Kenneth's attention, things between he and I would go pear shaped very quickly. However, this theoretical person would have to compete with Kenneth's job, his hobbies, and his comfort at being settled. It's not that I am irreplaceable in Kenneth's life. However finding a person who fills my spot wouldn't be easy. I think Kenneth would find getting a new person more trouble than it's worth. As long as that is true, I don't have to worry.
After no communication for the past five months, at my behest, I told DA if he wanted to contact me, he could. He responded positively. He asked if we could resume/rebuild our friendship. He also told me how he wants his current girlfriend to be included and to feel welcome, the same way that Kenneth and I made him feel. He said that he didn't handle things as well as he could have, but he would really like to be friends...no really. I do have to say, he has probably said more kind things to me in the past couple of e-mails than I have heard in the past year.
I said a lot to him in response, but here are the highlights: 'I don’t have anyone who will support me spending time with you or working on a friendship. [...]If I let anyone know that I was stupid enough to trust you again, I will get nothing but “I told you so.”
...There are many people who think I’m the bee’s knees, my friends don’t understand why I waste time with people who think I’m garbage and treated me worse than trash.'
Rope Guy, of all people, said that he thinks that DA came to understand that I am irreplaceable and far more important than DA realized. That is why DA has asked to reestablish our friendship. Thanks to the observations of someone who has the unenviable honor of knowing three of DA's exes, I had this to say to DA: "It seems to me that people don’t share your life, they become rivals in it and whomever wins gets to stay while the other loses everything that they shared with you."
The thing is, I could probably chalk the whole mess up to How I Met Your Mother mentality. I liked the show when it was on, but in retrospect, the women in Ted's life were just stepping stones to his final destination. The only woman he maintained a relationship with after they broke up was the woman he ended up with. It seems that women are expected to understand and forgive their exes (like Victoria in the show), but men can refer to the women who supported them as needy and clingy bitches and no one blinks an eye.
I always knew that DA and I weren't going to be romantic partners forever. In fact, I am surprised we went as long as we did. It was the friendship that I valued and wanted to keep. I believe that trying to keep our friendship was the reason I put up with as much crap as I did for as long as I did. DA didn't merely end our romantic relationship (technically I broke up with him), he obliterated our friendship in order to make a relationship with his girlfriend.
Now his girlfriend (supposedly) supports DA and I being friends, so it's all right. This is the same girlfriend who wouldn't let him talk to me (allegedly, DA denies that she ever held that sort of power in his life). Of course, if the girlfriend changes her mind and determines that I am a threat or whatever, experience tells me that I will be shown the door.
Because, unlike me, she is irreplaceable.
And if you didn't see today's song coming from a mile away, you aren't familiar with recent popular music.
Today's Song: Irreplaceable by Beyoncé
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