I can't say who I am, just who I am striving to be.
Search through my drama
March 26, 2023
Half Grand Cay in the Bahamas; taken from the ferry.
I have made two choices about this blog.
I am removing the protections/logins/privacy.
My plan is to focus on my mental health issues and cognitive behavioral therapy. I will do my best not to discuss people or places with identifying details. I have also “unpublished” the former entries of this blog. I may reinstate individual posts as I reread them. Perhaps I will take a page from Wil Wheaton; I will edit and publish old entries with annotations.
I will not longer post links to the blog on Facebook.
I really wanted to attend the dance that is associated with fair. It was this past Saturday. I did not feel welcome. It is organized and hosted by "that person". They were offered the opportunity to meet with a mediator and start the process of working out a resolution between us. As far as I know, they declined because they felt the efforts made by the PTB (powers that be) and me didn't adequately address their concerns. (I have the impression that they won't be happy until I am kicked out of fair.)
The thing is that I want to dance. I miss it. I want to dance with the people I know at fair and the band I like at fair. I have tried to be understanding and considerate but now I am just fucking tired of it. I want my goddamned hobbies back.
"Rachel, why don't you just show up?"
Because I feel like I would be making trouble and upset people. When that organizer had to miss a month, I was specifically invited to attend.
No one suggested that I should come back when that person returned the next month.
Because I am a middle aged woman. As a dancer. the other person is far more valuable.
Because I am tired of the local fair and dance community feeling like the lunchroom in high school and I am not one of the cool kids.
I am really angry and resentful of the people who, knowing that I am not allowed to attend, don't care and go anyway. I don't think too much of a community that swears up and down about how inclusive they are and then turn a blind eye to people being excluded. If I have done something wrong or am a missing stair, no one has been able to tell me. I am supposed to figure it out on my own, I guess.
I know that there are other dance communities that I can join and I am
going to try a new one next week. It's south of where that other
person is and hopefully none of the people who have issues with me will
attend.
The song for this entry is a bit of a joke. I can't explain why it's funny. I will leave it at that it's a very danceable song, despite it's name.
Today's Song - I Don't Feel Like Dancin' by The Scissor Sisters
I saw the most recent Star Wars movie. I don't believe I ever thought I would see Episode 9. I don't remember when I learned it but it seems I grew up knowing that Lucas had planned nine episodes. I always thought I would only see three.
My father took me to see the first three Star Wars movies. (That would be New Hope, Empire Strikes Back, and Return of the Jedi). I took my children to see the other six. There was something about seeing the last one that was very hard for me. It felt like the end of an era. I know that there will be other stories in the Star Wars universe, but it will be different. The connection will be adjacent.
I have had people with whom I have shared my love of Star Wars. I had never thought about how it felt like it strengthened my connection to my dad. People who loved aspects of the franchise that I never thought about. I always loved the music and the story. But I have dated people who loved particular characters or could tell me about the various ship models and their abilities. At the moment, I don't have that person in my life, although I could. I am just scared to share that part of myself with someone. Anything involving my father is troublesome. I hadn't realized how much of my feelings for him are incorporated into Star Wars.
My uncle D has been the family patriarch since my grandfather passed away. He has always been the soul of kindness, support and love. He has lost two daughters who were younger than me. Regardless, he has always seemed so strong. At Christmas dinner, he couldn't hold things, his hands were shaking so badly. He also complained of vertigo, which has been a problem for the people in my family. I realized that my time with him is limited and will come to an end. My uncles have been like fathers to me. Every time I lose one of them, it's almost like losing my father again. Seeing my uncle D like this at Christmas reminded me that I have so much more to lose.
I know that I am more fortunate than most, but I feel like I have lost so much this past year. I lost my cousin. I have given up on a friendship that I thought mattered to me. (It did, but not enough for me to let go of my anger.) There are more things I have lost, both little and large. I feel like this year is full of endings, most of which were inevitable, but that I would never have wanted if given the choice. I find I am very tired of endings and thinking about endings.
I realized something with regards to Lefty Teacher. He is covered by the camp rule. I need to leave things better than I find them. I have no problem with being careful, but I don't want to have to consider another ending. I don't want another relationship where I know that the end result is going to be handing him off to someone else. I thought I could do it before and I fucked that up so badly. I broke the camp rule and I left things damaged. I am wondering if I can trust myself with someone I know is vulnerable.
I don't know how to tell this to LT. I will at some point because not telling him things is stupid. I know that not pursuing a relationship because I am afraid of loss is against everything I believe about living.
But I am afraid. I am so tired of losing the people that matter to me. I don't want to risk another.
I am indulging in watching The Lake House. There are very few romantic movies that I will watch, much less enjoy. This is one I have watched over and over. The last watching, I focused on the architecture and the light. Today I paid attention to the music, so I guess that will supply today's song. The story of the writer and singer is a very sad story on it's own.
THE WHOLE FOODS IS CROWDED WITH HOLIDAY SHOPPERS. CHRISTMAS CAROLS PLAY OVER THE PA. RACHEL IS DRESSED IN A LOOSE T-SHIRT. HER JEANS ARE TUCKED INTO BLACK UGG BOOTS. HER HAIR IS PULLED BACK IN A CLIP. JT IS WEARING HIS USUAL BLACK SHIRT, BLACK PANTS AND BLACK SWEATER. HE IS WEARING A GRAY NEWSBOY CAP, COCKED SLIGHTLY TO THE LEFT.
JT And then what happened? RACHEL His mother was there in front of me. My stomach flipped and I was flummoxed on stage. I fucking hate that! JT Yeah, and when you tried to explain she defended her son, big surprise? RACHEL (distractedly checking lettuces) I didn’t ask to see her. I warned DA that I wouldn’t lie for him again. If he couldn’t make it clear to his mother that he cut me out of his life, not my problem. JT Did it occur to you that his mother wanted to see if that’s what was really what was going on? It seems that DA’s mother has grown fond of you. Maybe she didn’t believe what he told her. RACHEL (shrugs) What mother wants to hear that her child is a misanthropic snot bubble?
JT (chuckles) Snot bubble? RACHEL (smiling) It started during first weekend of workshops. We were discussing how annoying snot bubbles were and it went from there. JT Rachel, when was the last time you said something nice about DA? (Holds his hands up as she starts in. He hands her some radishes) I’m serious, Rachel. You know that the cycle has to break and you know you have to be the one to do it. What if you had told DA that it was nice to see his mother? RACHEL (seething, throwing apples into a bag) After what the man put me through, you want me to forgive him? JT No. I didn’t say that. But every time you talk about him, there’s a new epithet, a new reason to be upset. The man could send you roses and you’d complain that there were thorns on them. Look, I’m more relieved than most that you and that ass aren’t together. You were so unhappy. I know he hurt you. I’m not saying otherwise. It’s been a year sweetheart. You two are done with each other, likely for good. However you were together for a long time, so let’s change the narrative. Tell me something nice about him. RACHEL (glares and sighs) I shared a couple of his dinner ideas with Lefty Teacher. DA had some fairly healthy and quick meals that were for one or two people. JT Better. Now tell me something you miss about him.
RACHEL PUSHES HER CART THROUGH THE CROWDED STORE. HER POSTURE IS TIGHT AND TENSE. JT FOLLOWS AFTER HER, LETTING HER WALK IT OUT.
RACHEL Dancing.
JT Dancing? You danced just a couple of days ago.
Rachel (through gritted teeth) I miss dancing with him. I miss the way we would fall into perfect step, moving like we were meant to dance forever. I miss how it felt. I miss the way he looked at me, like I was the most wonderful person in the world. I don't know if he meant it when he said I was the best partner he'd ever had, but I know that he has been the best I have ever danced with.
Everyone else saw it to. We were magic on the floor, no matter the style. We could swing, waltz, polka, contra, probably even two step like we were born to it. I have danced since then. I have danced with some better skilled partners. However, I have yet to dance with anyone who made me feel like he did. I wonder if I ever will. JT (enclosing her into a hug) I am sorry, sweetheart. I can only imagine how much you miss that. You are right, you two were amazing dance partners. And when you want to say something mean or cruel about him, I want you to remember dancing with him. Everything else that you can doubt or wonder about, let it go. I sincerely doubt he will find someone to match you. You are amazing as a partner. You make your partner feel like Fred Astaire. If you ever doubt how DA felt about you, just remember dancing with him. RACHEL (eyes welling up) Why? Why would I want to remember something I will never have again. He was the one who ruined us.
JT (Letting her go with a squeeze) Rachel, why don't you blame his girlfriend? The last time we spoke about her you told me that if you ever saw her you'd thank her for managing what DA and you couldn't do. You told me that she seemed like a smart and accomplished woman. It sounds like you respect her.
Rachel (sniffling) I don't know if I respect her. However, I realized that everything I know about her is from DA. Given how he played me and his other girlfriend off of each other, I can only imagine that he has repeated the pattern. It's much easier to blame everything on me than to admit what he did wrong. It's easier for his current girlfriend to do the same. She can't dislike me, only the person that DA has told her exists.
JT And how did you come to this very wise conclusion, Oh Sage of the Heart?
RACHEL (slaps at his shoulder) Because I remember being young and inexperienced. I probably did the same.
JT Oh honey...
RACHEL (holding her hands up) Ok, ok, ok. I did. I have done my share of stupid.
JT I don't know if DA and you will ever be able to deal with each other again. Time is funny that way. But the cycle has to break and you are the one who has to break it.
(Rachel starts to say something)
How many break ups has DA been through?
(Rachel closes her mouth and sighs)
RACHEL A fraction of the breakups that I have been through.
JT Sweetheart, I have seen you through three marriages, multiple crushes, boyfriends, girlfriends, themfriends. Your dance card is so full during this break that you are neglecting how many people?
I don't know how DA feels about you now. What I do know is what you told me when you started seeing him. Once you figured out how inexperienced he was, you agreed that he feel under the camp rule. Leave things better than you find them. Have you done that?
RACHEL (heatedly) Do you know how many chances I gave him, how many times I forgave him? How many bleeding times I cleaned up after him? I have done my best and then some.
I need nuts, before I go fucking nuts.
RACHEL STORMS OFF AGAIN. JT LETS HER GO. SHE WALKS UP AND DOWN THE AISLES, PLACING THINGS IN HER BASKET. AFTER A FEW MINUTES, JT APPROACHES HER SLOWLY.
JT Rachel?
RACHEL What!?
JT I didn't say you needed to forgive him. You were right to be honest with his mother. You shouldn't contact him again. You have done your best and honestly I think that man will realize over the next few years how much he owes you. I am sorry you will never hear him say that you to, but anyone who knows the both of you can see all you did for him.
Now there is one more thing you need to do. You have to stop the negative cycle. If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all. This is partially for his sake, but mostly it is for yours. I have seen how you can hold a grudge.
Look, it sucks that he invaded your happy place. A lot of what he has done sucks. However, what else does he know? Before his current girlfriend, how many friends did he have out here? Who does he have now? What does he have that's his?
Rachel, you told the director of the dance group that you would stay out of their stage area. You said it was because DA's ex girlfriend had only that area of safety, whereas you had the entire damn fair. The only time you entered that space was to tell her that DA had been loitering in the area long enough to be noticed.
RACHEL Well, yeah. That was the right thing to do. We may not like each other, but that is because DA played us off of each other. I wish we could fix it, but whatever...
JT So why can you understand that about her, but not DA?
RACHEL (squashing the box of dried cranberries she is holding) Oh fuck. Goddammit, you are right. I hate it when you are right.
JT He hurt you and it sucks. You don't owe him anything. However, you can't blame him for not understanding how a break up is supposed to work. You can't hold it against him for being a complete ass. He simply doesn't know. He had never been poly before. He had never had to deal with whatever his current girlfriend has made him feel. How could you be so understanding of everything else and not remember his inexperience now?
RACHEL But he has to learn that when he hurts someone the way he hurt me, they don't come back.
JT I think he has learned that. How many new friends did you make this season? How many people did you connect with? How many people noticed that you missed three days? How many people went out of their way to take care of you on the streets and the stage?
Do you understand that you attract people like a magnet? You move through the world with an ease that is astounding and unreal. If I hadn't seen you suffering with your anxiety, I wouldn't have a clue that you struggled.
Sure, you have lost friends and loved ones. How many people are still in your life? How many people from half a lifetime ago?
DA probably wouldn't want your social circle, but do you understand that when he lost you, he lost everything that knowing you entails. I wouldn't be surprised if it doesn't gut him as deeply as it hurts you. What's even worse, you understand exactly what went awry. I bet he doesn't understand it at all. The person who could have explained it to him is so angry that all she can do is yell at him.
If I had to guess, his mother wanted to touch base with you to help him figure out what was salvageable. Maybe explain
RACHEL (getting in the checkout line) We can't be friends while he is with his current girlfriend. She won't allow it.
JT Honey, the woman obviously cares for him. You cause him pain. In her view, the best way to fix it is to take you out of the equation. If all you are is angry at him, then you are playing right into her way of thinking. Why would she support him doing something that causes him such pain?
RACHEL But...
JT Look, sweetie. There is plenty of error and wrong on his side. However, is there anything he can do to make it better?
RACHEL No, not anymore. JT So why should he bother trying?
RACHEL I've left him alone. I haven't contacted him since June. I have followed his stupid wishes.
JT For someone who is so fucking brilliant, you can be pretty dumb sometimes.
RACHEL I don't understand. He said we couldn't be friends. So, I have left him alone.
JT I don't know what DA meant or what he said. I only know this much. There is no being friends with you when you are angry at someone. In fact, when you openly dislike someone, it's hard for anyone else to be friends with them. It's like you set up a negative force field around them repelling all comers. You really don't see your own influence.
RACHEL I haven't told anyone that they can't be friends with him. I have made sure to stay fairly quiet.
JT What happened with the gal at the soap shop?
RACHEL (starts putting things on the counter for the cashier) She was a friend of a friend. My friend told her about DA and... Oh, I get it.
She might have ignored him, but because of what my friends told her, she didn't care for him and started calling him names too.
JT Precisely.
RACHEL When I name people, the name sticks.
JT What happened to the new bloke?
RACHEL I liked him, so everyone else started gigging with him, instead of just the person who brought him.
JT (nodding) Look, honey. You don't ever have to talk to DA ever again. You can hate him to your heart's content. However, you knew what you were getting into when you chose to date a man, in his late twenties, with his level of life experience.
You need to change the narrative. No more epithets. You are too clever, by half. You aren't as good as Dickens, but the names you give people tend to stay with them. If you can't say anything nice... RACHEL (paying for her purchases) ...don't say anything at all. JT (placing her bags into the cart) If I had to guess, I bet that DA never wanted to shove you out of his life. You didn't give him any choice. You are angry at him and refuse to let it go. Whatever he did wrong, it was inexperience. It's a shame he cut his emotional teeth on you. I know it hurt, however, I think you are just as much to blame.
RACHEL (giving the full cart a shove) What did I do to him?
JT You misunderstand me dear. You are right, you two needed to be parted. He was an ass. But I don't think you realize that he has been punished and then some. He lost you, maybe forever. I don't think it's what he wanted. I think that might be why he did fair. It's why I did fair, so I am biased. I think that's why you see evidence of his tracks on your writings and social media. Maybe you are wrong, I don't know. But I remember that when it was me, I knew everything I could about you. I didn't tell anyone, because I knew how it would look. I certainly didn't tell the people I was dating at the time. They wouldn't have understood. You're a hard person to get over, Rachel. However, making amends with you is a pain in the ass. It took us four years to figure our shit out. We barely talked during those years, but I kept you in my thoughts and any news or gossip I could get, I did. I don't want to think what I would have been like if there had been social media.
RACHEL (opening the back of the car) So, what should I do? JT (helping her put the groceries away) Well, post this conversation, obviously. (JT smiles)
Honestly, nothing. You can't tell DA that you have turned over a new leaf. He might want to believe you, but his girlfriend won't let him and she would be right.
Let your anger go. If there is nothing he can do to resolve this issue, then you are going to have to. It's the committment you made when you promised to leave things better than you found them.
Trust that he has learned the lesson and let him move on. More importantly, let yourself move on. You will never fix this, the problems run too deep. Maybe time will help, it did with us. Maybe it won't. Regardless, the end of the year is a good time to let bygones be bygones.
RACHEL I'll try, but I still hate you for calling me on my own shit.
JT You wouldn't have it any other way, sweetie.
JT AND RACHEL GET INTO THE CAR AND DRIVE AWAY IN THE TWILIGHT DUSK. THE SCENE FADES INTO THE WANING LIGHT. THE SONG PLAYING IS MEMORIES BY MAROON 5.
The day at fair was mostly a good one. It was wonderful to be back after missing the last three days. I knew I would be pushing myself, but I took the day nice and slow. I didn’t even have to use the walking stick.
I was reminded of why I consider fair a home and so many of these people my family. I think what really made me feel special were the people who aren’t Facebook friends, who can’t read the blog and yet who told me that I had been missed.
My Facebook friends and blog friends were extra supportive and got me through a rough patch this afternoon.
The one downside is that DA’s mother is visiting. She was at fair today and dropped by my usual haunt to say hello. I rather like DA’s mum. What I didn’t appreciate is that DA couldn’t be bothered to let me know to expect her. So, I saw her while I was on stage.
What upset me is that I told her straight out that her son and I hadn’t really spoken to each other in nearly a year by his choice. DA’s mom retorted that he had said that I was the one who cut off contact.
What. The. Fuck?
DA and I never told his mom we were dating. I understand that she doesn’t see this as a break up. However, that’s not my problem. My family did not drop in on DA when they were at fair. It is a break up and a nasty one. DA has insisted on no contact, he can bloody well explain that to his mother.
As one of my friends said, why would I expect that narcissistic fucker to be considerate?
I confronted him. Yes, I confronted him backstage. He tried to make excuses for his mother’s behavior. I told him he could have given me a heads up. I don’t think I spoke for too long and I made sure to walk away. I didn’t engage after that. I sent a telegram and an email reiterating my point. Did I need to, no. But I was not going to let this go unmentioned.
As for my anger, I just let it be. I said to myself, hey look, there’s my anger. It’s understandable and acceptable. If our positions had been reversed...well they should not have been. Actors don’t fuck with each other, they give each other support. DA was wrong, he broke his own rules after I spent the past eight weeks respecting his request for zero contact. There is no excuse.
One of my friends, who has dealt with my DA issues for far too long, suggested that I just let it go. I will never get through to DA.
I agree that I will never get through to DA. He doesn’t think his shit stinks, much less his actions. However, I have documented the event to him and my director. This is not the first email about his parents dropping in on me sans warning. If DA does fair next year, then I have an electronic paper trail that I requested a reasonable boundary which he ignored for two years running.
I hope that a year from now that such evidence won’t be necessary. I don’t understand why he didn’t just tell me his mum was visiting and wanted to say hi. It would have been simpler. I don’t mind seeing his parents, just give me a bloody heads up!
In fact, I am a horrid and petty person. I hope that it grinds DA’s girlfriend’s gears that his mother wanted to say hello to his “toxic ex”.
One more day of fair, I’m still deciding if I can go. I am glad that I have such supportive friends, I know I’ll be cared for. But yesterday took a lot out of me.
I wrote this late, so the song is what was in my head.
One of the things about being poly is balancing the differing places of a relationship. I have been with my husband for over fifteen years. My housemate (and that's complicated, so I'll just say housemate) has been living with us for nine years. Rope Guy and I have been seeing each other for over a year. Keto and I have known each other for over a year, but its a very casual relationship and I am not sure how I feel about that.
I don't tend to use hierarchical titles with my partners. If I label them at all, it's new and established. My relationship with Rope Guy is established. My relationship with Lefty Teacher is new.
My relationship with LT has been strange. It started as just a play date. That went well, so we decided to have another one. After that, LT noted that he wanted something more but that he needed some time to think and process his grief. I didn't know what to make of that, so I assumed what I normally would, that he didn't want to pursue anything with me and was trying to let me down easy.
As I mentioned previously, LT meant what he said. He needed some time to think and process his grief. We didn't seen each other, but we kept in contact with texting and phone calls. I wasn't sure what to expect when he came up for fair. What I discovered is a genuine man who seems to think very highly of me. During the weekend, we found that we have formed the beginnings of an emotional connection. This is part of what LT had to think about. He believes that he is demisexual. He really enjoyed our play dates. This has not been the case with the other dates he has been on. He realized that for whatever reason, he and I established a very quick and comfortable connection, whereas he hasn't had a similar experience with anyone else, at least so far.
I am becoming more comfortable on the phone. Rope Guy gets most of the credit for that. It's amazing how willing I am to talk on the phone if it doesn't feel like I have to spend the entire phone call defending whatever the other person thinks I have done wrong. I hadn't realized how deeply that fear had ingrained itself.
Since LT and I have a mountain between us, we have to communicate via phone and text. It was really nice to hear LT's voice. However what struck me is that when he said that he was happy to hear my voice, I believed him. When he said that he missed me, I believed him. I know that probably sounds stupid. It's not like other people don't miss me or don't enjoy talking to me. I think yesterday was the first time I heard LT. I began to understand that this person wants me in his life for exactly who I am, not because of what I might do for him.
Keto, is not an emotional guy. I know he likes me for who I am, but much of my appeal was because I was assertive enough to get his attention and smart enough to hold it. It's not an emotional connection and I doubt it ever can be. Rope Guy has had to do most of the emotional heavy lifting, so while I believe that he likes me for who I am, I believe it because of the effort he put in. I am sorry to say that RG had to prove it. I am very thankful that he was willing to put in the work.
I think what hit home for me yesterday is that LT doesn't just like me, but he also appreciates what I am right now. I told him about my concerns regarding my Hashimoto's and my recent medical issues. I noted that I worried the last thing he needed was someone who might be in and out of the hospital. He thanked me for my concern and said that it wasn't a worry. He knows that that if I am having medical issues, I have support from other people. He doesn't have to face my medical issues alone.
I guess that is when it hit me. LT likes poly me. I have dated other people and they like me. However, I have noticed that they cope by pretending that I don't have a partner and only dealing with my marriage when there is no other choice. Perhaps they like me, but they have a partner of their own, so I feel like there are lines I have to maintain so as not to interfere with their other partners. It didn't help that a previous relationship made me feel responsible for the issues and insecurities of their other partner.
One example is that I dated someone who always did their first dance with their primary partner. It didn't matter how I was feeling, what I needed, or if I came alone or with someone else. My feelings about dancing weren't their concern. The first dance is for their primary. I am not saying that there is anything wrong with that, but it is an absolute. It meant that I didn't go to dances with this person if I knew their primary was going to be there. I was less likely to attend a dance they were going to be at if I knew that I would be alone.
I am of the opinion that the first dance goes to the person ones attends the dance with, regardless of their relationship status. In fact, I tend to be that way in my poly relationships. There are a lot of people I have been in poly relationships with, but very few made me feel that I was important to them even when they were with other people. Usually I shy away from contacting people when they are with their SOs or other partners. I am afraid of intruding. LT made it clear that if I am bothering him, it's his job to tell me, but that I shouldn't feel obligated to figure it out on my own.
Rope Guy is the same way, I don't feel second best with him either. However RG and his partner had to work for many months to get me to believe that. I spent a long time believing that my needs and wants weren't valid. I never told the person I dated that I would like to get the first dance with them. I was afraid of being told no. I was worried my request was asking too much and they would be angry. I can't think of how many times I was told that I was asking too much. If I never hear the phrase, "you aren't poly enough" again, it will be too soon.
Rope Guy and Lefty Teacher are the first people in a long while to make me feel like my wants and needs can co-exist within their lives and their other relationships. Rope Guy gets a lot of the credit for the work. but LT has done his share.
I am starting to believe that I can request things. If the person says no, it's not because someone else is more important than I am, it's because there are other factors that maybe I am not aware of or hadn't considered.
I feel like I am not explaining this very well. The long and the short of it is that I love and care for Rope Guy a great deal. I am developing feelings for Lefty Teacher. I don't feel like I am walking into a minefield and it's wonderful.
The song for the day just revealed itself in the last line for me. I think I need some Pat Benatar. The song isn't a perfect match to what I am feeling, but it works for me.
Today's Song - Love is a Battlefield by Pat Benatar
As I mentioned on Facebook there are trigger warnings to go with this entry. I will be discussing domestic violence, emotional abuse, and anger issues. I will also be spoiling the musical Waitress.
Disclaimer: Because many of you know my previous partners, I would like to state the following. My previous partners have engaged in counseling programs to address the issues that I am discussing. I am going out of my way not to identify any particular partner. If you have specific questions about something, please feel free to contact me directly before making assumptions about who I am talking about. I am living in a safe and sane environment. This is processing, not a request for help.
I went to see Waitress last night. I never saw the movie on which it was based and wasn't familiar with the subject matter. I went to see it because Sara Bareilles did the music. The plot, in a nutshell, is that the main character, Jenna, is in an abusive marriage and finds out she is pregnant. She ends up having an affair with her gynecologist. It was a very good play and it hit home in more ways than I could have anticipated.
None of my partners have ever struck me or were otherwise physically violent towards me. If you had asked me (and I was asked by medical professionals and friends) if I was in an abusive relationship, I would have sworn up and down that I was not. I thought that domestic violence involved hitting. One of my partners would put holes in the wall, but that was as close as I ever came to it.
My mother taught me not to abide with physical violence. My father struck me across the face, once, when I was about five. He hit me hard enough to knock my glasses off my face. I remember yelling at him that if he broke my glasses, he would be in trouble; a warning I had been given multiple times. (Self preservation was never my strong suit.) As far as I know, he had never struck my mother, although he had broken glasses and punched walls. My mother did not hesitate. She packed us up and we moved in to my grandparents house that same day. My father never hit me after that.
I did not learn this until recently; my grandparents were abusers. The year that I lived with them, my mother kept me very close and never let them touch me. As far as I recall, my grandparents never did anything to me. However, the stories of what the did to my cousins are horrible. My family is fucked up and I am still figuring out where my experiences fit in.
I understand now that abuse and domestic violence doesn't require physical expression. It starts with isolating and undermining the person. I don't believe it's deliberate or intentional. I think partner based violence is based on fear of abandonment, insecurity, and other problems that perpetuate from generation to generation. I am not saying that people aren't responsible for their actions. Children emulate their parents and the environments that they grow up in. Abuse of any sort is very difficult to solve, because it's so pernicious. I don't blame the people I have lived with any more than I blame myself for staying in those situations. However that doesn't make it easier when I see the damage those situations did to my children and to myself.
In the play, Jenna has a covert affair. I was somewhat more fortunate, I was able to escape my situations because of non-monogamy. I found the same perspective as the character in the play, but I didn't have to lie to an abusive spouse. I believe that having other people in my life is why I was able to find the courage to leave, eventually. I remember the precious nights when I was able to spend with a secondary. With one, there was a space in their apartment that I made my own. It was just a corner of their couch, near a sliding glass door. In the quiet of the morning, before I had to go to work or go back home, I could sip a cup of tea, curled up tightly in that corner. Sometimes I would cry, sometimes I would think. There were times when my secondary would find me and cuddle. I know they wanted to help and they did. But that corner was very early in our relationship and they were young at the time. It was enough that I felt safe.
Safe from what? It is hard to explain. However, watching the play last night, some of the dialogue really resonated. The abusive husband never struck his wife, although he did manhandle her and it was suggested that he did offstage. However, it was the way he undermined her self-image and her confidence cut me right to the core. Those were the lines that got me. I am not going to bother to find the quotes, because I probably didn't hear the actual lines. I heard the things that were said to me and how I responded.
I couldn't say no to a request for support. I remember one person I was with had an emotional day. I had spent the day with my mother (which is draining unto itself). My partner asked me to give them emotional support and even though I was exhausted, I dug deep and found reserves to give them. They had someone else with them, but they wanted me. I felt special. I didn't see it for what it was, which was making me responsible for their emotional stability. They would tell me that no one understood them the way I did. I spoke their language, related to them in ways that no one else ever had. If I didn't take care of them, who would?
If I tried to talk about my feelings they would shut down emotionally and refuse to talk. They would tell me that was all they could do because I was being "too intense" or not listening to their needs. I find it funny that on the one hand, I was the only person who could understand them, but then was also never able to listen to them.
There was a partner who could never admit when they had messed up. I would say, "This thing I feel hurt by..." and I would have to spend time and effort showing evidence and explaining everything in a debate format. It got to the point where I felt like my feelings didn't matter, only what I could "prove". However, if I did something wrong, I was expected to just take their word for it, no defense or explanation allowed. They're favorite trick was to shut down the conversation and refuse to engage. If I didn't comply, they would tell me I wasn't respecting boundaries. My boundaries were not respected in the same way.
I remember one partner who lied to another person they were dating. Somehow I became responsible and blameworthy for the lies and misunderstandings (and I still am.)
I don't know how many times I lived in fear of the person ending our relationship if I did something that they didn't want me to. If I didn't accept something they did, they would threaten to leave.
I had one partner have an affair with my best friend and then told me if I didn't like it, they would take my child away from me (a threat I lived with until said child turned 18).
I had a partner tell me if I continued to be friends with someone, they would end our relationship. I realized later that they were isolating me from friends and family and making me dependent on them financially and emotionally.
While I have said things happened with "one partner" honestly, those things have happened across multiple relationships. That was the thing about the play, the husband said things that I have heard so many times, I could recite along with the actors.
I remember the hardest thing about those relationships is that I was so attached to the identity of partner, helpmeet, etc. I wanted to be Mrs. Rachel ________ so damn badly. That identity as partner with someone else, as family was more important than anything that was happening to me and my children. Even though I knew in my heart that things were rotten in the state of Denmark, I explained it away:
It was just that one time.
They didn't mean the horrible things that they said.
They were doing what they thought was best for me and for us.
These are the compromises that couples make.
They had been drinking, so their behavior was understandable and they don't usually get so mean.
They have a very stressful job.
They were hurt in their last relationship, so I need to be extra careful for their sake.
We are tied up financially, I can't afford to leave.
Looking back now, I realize that I felt trapped. That corner and those small moments when I could be alone and feel safe were precious, because for a few minutes I could pretend that I wasn't unhappy.
I can't speak for anyone else, but I know that I am not innocent. I can be manipulative and emotionally abusive. I believe that we are the villain in at least one other person's story. Cycles of abuse don't just happen because of one person. I don't intend to blame the victim. I know only my story. I thought I wasn't abused because there was never any violence. I didn't hit my partners and they didn't hit me. However I know that my negative behavior patterns have hurt my partners as much as theirs have hurt me. I think that it's easier to say "victim" and "abuser" when there is physical violence involved. There is a clear bad guy and good guy. I think those lines are harder to define when the threat of violence is emotional.
I have learned that I am wired to see some really abusive behaviors as devotion and love. I think I have it all figured out and then I fall into another relationship that is hurtful and everyone, including me, knows it. The only thing I can say is that, with a couple of exceptions, I think I am better at recognizing and getting out when a relationship is harmful.
I think that the most important thing I learned is that being Rachel is enough. I don't need to be Mrs. Anyone. If I don't feel comfortable telling my partner something because I am worried that it will upset them or in some way interfere with their world view, I know that the relationship isn't long term viable. In the case of LT, I am going to have to talk to him about my health issues. In the case of Keto, I am going to have decide if the communication issues are worth working through. Not that I think either of these relationships could become abusive, but that it's important that I don't stay in relationships built on making excuses for the other person. I can understand why LT might find my health issues difficult to deal with after losing his wife to cancer. If that is the case, then I guess we will have to decide if we want to continue any sort of relationship.
I learned that while I don't always enjoy it, I am capable of doing things on my own.
I also better understand how my friends and family felt when they saw me in a bad relationship and knew how much damage I was doing to myself and my children. It's frustrating, especially when the person is so sure that they are doing fine and refuses to listen to anyone who says otherwise. I had a friend walk away from our friendship and out of my life because things were so bad between my partner and me. It's a tough choice, but it's one that sometimes has to be made.
I will make the same promise that the above friend made me (and kept). If you want out of a bad situation, I will help you to the best of my ability. I do not care if we haven't spoken in years, I will help if I can. I won't turn you away. Just because you can do it alone doesn't mean you have to.
The song for this entry is going to be from Waitress. Why should be obvious.
Today's Song - She Used to Be Mine by Sara Bareilles
