"She is broken and won't ask for help..."

As I mentioned on Facebook there are trigger warnings to go with this entry. I will be discussing domestic violence, emotional abuse, and anger issues. I will also be spoiling the musical Waitress.

Disclaimer:  Because many of you know my previous partners, I would like to state the following. My previous partners have engaged in counseling programs to address the issues that I am discussing. I am going out of my way not to identify any particular partner. If you have specific questions about something, please feel free to contact me directly before making assumptions about who I am talking about. I am living in a safe and sane environment. This is processing, not a request for help.

I went to see Waitress last night. I never saw the movie on which it was based and wasn't familiar with the subject matter. I went to see it because Sara Bareilles did the music. The plot, in a nutshell, is that the main character, Jenna, is in an abusive marriage and finds out she is pregnant. She ends up having an affair with her gynecologist. It was a very good play and it hit home in more ways than I could have anticipated.

None of my partners have ever struck me or were otherwise physically violent towards me. If you had asked me (and I was asked by medical professionals and friends) if I was in an abusive relationship, I would have sworn up and down that I was not. I thought that domestic violence involved hitting. One of my partners would put holes in the wall, but that was as close as I ever came to it.

My mother taught me not to abide with physical violence. My father struck me across the face, once, when I was about five. He hit me hard enough to knock my glasses off my face. I remember yelling at him that if he broke my glasses, he would be in trouble; a warning I had been given multiple times. (Self preservation was never my strong suit.) As far as I know, he had never struck my mother, although he had broken glasses and punched walls. My mother did not hesitate. She packed us up and we moved in to my grandparents house that same day. My father never hit me after that.

I did not learn this until recently; my grandparents were abusers. The year that I lived with them, my mother kept me very close and never let them touch me. As far as I recall, my grandparents never did anything to me. However, the stories of what the did to my cousins are horrible. My family is fucked up and I am still figuring out where my experiences fit in.

I understand now that abuse and domestic violence doesn't require physical expression. It starts with isolating and undermining the person. I don't believe it's deliberate or intentional. I think partner based violence is based on fear of abandonment, insecurity, and other problems that perpetuate from generation to generation. I am not saying that people aren't responsible for their actions. Children emulate their parents and the environments that they grow up in. Abuse of any sort is very difficult to solve, because it's so pernicious. I don't blame the people I have lived with any more than I blame myself for staying in those situations. However that doesn't make it easier when I see the damage those situations did to my children and to myself.

In the play, Jenna has a covert affair. I was somewhat more fortunate, I was able to escape my situations because of non-monogamy. I found the same perspective as the character in the play, but I didn't have to lie to an abusive spouse. I believe that having other people in my life is why I was able to find the courage to leave, eventually. I remember the precious nights when I was able to spend with a secondary. With one, there was a space in their apartment that I made my own. It was just a corner of their couch, near a sliding glass door. In the quiet of the morning, before I had to go to work or go back home, I could sip a cup of tea, curled up tightly in that corner. Sometimes I would cry, sometimes I would think. There were times when my secondary would find me and cuddle. I know they wanted to help and they did. But that corner was very early in our relationship and they were young at the time. It was enough that I felt safe.

Safe from what? It is hard to explain. However, watching the play last night, some of the dialogue  really resonated. The abusive husband never struck his wife, although he did manhandle her and it was suggested that he did offstage. However, it was the way he undermined her self-image and her confidence cut me right to the core. Those were the lines that got me. I am not going to bother to find the quotes, because I probably didn't hear the actual lines. I heard the things that were said to me and how I responded.

• I couldn't say no to a request for support. I remember one person I was with had an emotional day. I had spent the day with my mother (which is draining unto itself). My partner asked me to give them emotional support and even though I was exhausted, I dug deep and found reserves to give them. They had someone else with them, but they wanted me. I felt special. I didn't see it for what it was, which was making me responsible for their emotional stability. They would tell me that no one understood them the way I did. I spoke their language, related to them in ways that no one else ever had. If I didn't take care of them, who would?

• If I tried to talk about my feelings they would shut down emotionally and refuse to talk. They would tell me that was all they could do because I was being "too intense" or not listening to their needs. I find it funny that on the one hand, I was the only person who could understand them, but then was also never able to listen to them. 

• There was a partner who could never admit when they had messed up. I would say, "This thing I feel hurt by..." and I would have to spend time and effort showing evidence and explaining everything in a debate format. It got to the point where I felt like my feelings didn't matter, only what I could "prove". However, if I did something wrong, I was expected to just take their word for it, no defense or explanation allowed. They're favorite trick was to shut down the conversation and refuse to engage. If I didn't comply, they would tell me I wasn't respecting boundaries. My boundaries were not respected in the same way. 

• I remember one partner who lied to another person they were dating. Somehow I became responsible and blameworthy for the lies and misunderstandings (and I still am.)

• I don't know how many times I lived in fear of the person ending our relationship if I did something that they didn't want me to. If I didn't accept something they did, they would threaten to leave.

• I had one partner have an affair with my best friend and then told me if I didn't like it, they would take my child away from me (a threat I lived with until said child turned 18).

• I had a partner tell me if I continued to be friends with someone, they would end our relationship. I realized later that they were isolating me from friends and family and making me dependent on them financially and emotionally.

While I have said things happened with "one partner" honestly, those things have happened across multiple relationships. That was the thing about the play, the husband said things that I have heard so many times, I could recite along with the actors.

I remember the hardest thing about those relationships is that I was so attached to the identity of partner, helpmeet, etc. I wanted to be Mrs. Rachel ________ so damn badly. That identity as partner with someone else, as family was more important than anything that was happening to me and my children.  Even though I knew in my heart that things were rotten in the state of Denmark, I explained it away:

• It was just that one time. 
• They didn't mean the horrible things that they said. 
• They were doing what they thought was best for me and for us.
• These are the compromises that couples make.
• They had been drinking, so their behavior was understandable and they don't usually get so mean.
• They have a very stressful job. 
• They were hurt in their last relationship, so I need to be extra careful for their sake.
• We are tied up financially, I can't afford to leave. 

Looking back now, I realize that I felt trapped. That corner and those small moments when I could be alone and feel safe were precious, because for a few minutes I could pretend that I wasn't unhappy.

I can't speak for anyone else, but I know that I am not innocent. I can be manipulative and emotionally abusive. I believe that we are the villain in at least one other person's story. Cycles of abuse don't just happen because of one person. I don't intend to blame the victim. I know only my story. I thought I wasn't abused because there was never any violence. I didn't hit my partners and they didn't hit me. However I know that my negative behavior patterns have hurt my partners as much as theirs have hurt me. I think that it's easier to say "victim" and "abuser" when there is physical violence involved. There is a clear bad guy and good guy. I think those lines are harder to define when the threat of violence is emotional.

I have learned that I am wired to see some really abusive behaviors as devotion and love. I think I have it all figured out and then I fall into another relationship that is hurtful and everyone, including me, knows it.   The only thing I can say is that, with a couple of exceptions, I think I am better at recognizing and getting out when a relationship is harmful.

I think that the most important thing I learned is that being Rachel is enough. I don't need to be Mrs. Anyone. If I don't feel comfortable telling my partner something because I am worried that it will upset them or in some way interfere with their world view, I know that the relationship isn't long term viable. In the case of LT, I am going to have to talk to him about my health issues. In the case of Keto, I am going to have decide if the communication issues are worth working through. Not that I think either of these relationships could become abusive, but that it's important that I don't stay in relationships built on making excuses for the other person. I can understand why LT might find my health issues difficult to deal with after losing his wife to cancer. If that is the case, then I guess we will have to decide if we want to continue any sort of relationship.

I learned that while I don't always enjoy it, I am capable of doing things on my own.

I also better understand how my friends and family felt when they saw me in a bad relationship and knew how much damage I was doing to myself and my children. It's frustrating, especially when the person is so sure that they are doing fine and refuses to listen to anyone who says otherwise. I had a friend walk away from our friendship and out of my life because things were so bad between my partner and me. It's a tough choice, but it's one that sometimes has to be made.

I will make the same promise that the above friend made me (and kept). If you want out of a bad situation, I will help you to the best of my ability. I do not care if we haven't spoken in years, I will help if I can. I won't turn you away. Just because you can do it alone doesn't mean you have to.

The song for this entry is going to be from Waitress. Why should be obvious.

Today's Song - She Used to Be Mine by Sara Bareilles