I don't tend to use hierarchical titles with my partners. If I label them at all, it's new and established. My relationship with Rope Guy is established. My relationship with Lefty Teacher is new.
My relationship with LT has been strange. It started as just a play date. That went well, so we decided to have another one. After that, LT noted that he wanted something more but that he needed some time to think and process his grief. I didn't know what to make of that, so I assumed what I normally would, that he didn't want to pursue anything with me and was trying to let me down easy.
As I mentioned previously, LT meant what he said. He needed some time to think and process his grief. We didn't seen each other, but we kept in contact with texting and phone calls. I wasn't sure what to expect when he came up for fair. What I discovered is a genuine man who seems to think very highly of me. During the weekend, we found that we have formed the beginnings of an emotional connection. This is part of what LT had to think about. He believes that he is demisexual. He really enjoyed our play dates. This has not been the case with the other dates he has been on. He realized that for whatever reason, he and I established a very quick and comfortable connection, whereas he hasn't had a similar experience with anyone else, at least so far.
I am becoming more comfortable on the phone. Rope Guy gets most of the credit for that. It's amazing how willing I am to talk on the phone if it doesn't feel like I have to spend the entire phone call defending whatever the other person thinks I have done wrong. I hadn't realized how deeply that fear had ingrained itself.
Since LT and I have a mountain between us, we have to communicate via phone and text. It was really nice to hear LT's voice. However what struck me is that when he said that he was happy to hear my voice, I believed him. When he said that he missed me, I believed him. I know that probably sounds stupid. It's not like other people don't miss me or don't enjoy talking to me. I think yesterday was the first time I heard LT. I began to understand that this person wants me in his life for exactly who I am, not because of what I might do for him.
Keto, is not an emotional guy. I know he likes me for who I am, but much of my appeal was because I was assertive enough to get his attention and smart enough to hold it. It's not an emotional connection and I doubt it ever can be. Rope Guy has had to do most of the emotional heavy lifting, so while I believe that he likes me for who I am, I believe it because of the effort he put in. I am sorry to say that RG had to prove it. I am very thankful that he was willing to put in the work.
I think what hit home for me yesterday is that LT doesn't just like me, but he also appreciates what I am right now. I told him about my concerns regarding my Hashimoto's and my recent medical issues. I noted that I worried the last thing he needed was someone who might be in and out of the hospital. He thanked me for my concern and said that it wasn't a worry. He knows that that if I am having medical issues, I have support from other people. He doesn't have to face my medical issues alone.
I guess that is when it hit me. LT likes poly me. I have dated other people and they like me. However, I have noticed that they cope by pretending that I don't have a partner and only dealing with my marriage when there is no other choice. Perhaps they like me, but they have a partner of their own, so I feel like there are lines I have to maintain so as not to interfere with their other partners. It didn't help that a previous relationship made me feel responsible for the issues and insecurities of their other partner.
One example is that I dated someone who always did their first dance with their primary partner. It didn't matter how I was feeling, what I needed, or if I came alone or with someone else. My feelings about dancing weren't their concern. The first dance is for their primary. I am not saying that there is anything wrong with that, but it is an absolute. It meant that I didn't go to dances with this person if I knew their primary was going to be there. I was less likely to attend a dance they were going to be at if I knew that I would be alone.
I am of the opinion that the first dance goes to the person ones attends the dance with, regardless of their relationship status. In fact, I tend to be that way in my poly relationships. There are a lot of people I have been in poly relationships with, but very few made me feel that I was important to them even when they were with other people. Usually I shy away from contacting people when they are with their SOs or other partners. I am afraid of intruding. LT made it clear that if I am bothering him, it's his job to tell me, but that I shouldn't feel obligated to figure it out on my own.
Rope Guy is the same way, I don't feel second best with him either. However RG and his partner had to work for many months to get me to believe that. I spent a long time believing that my needs and wants weren't valid. I never told the person I dated that I would like to get the first dance with them. I was afraid of being told no. I was worried my request was asking too much and they would be angry. I can't think of how many times I was told that I was asking too much. If I never hear the phrase, "you aren't poly enough" again, it will be too soon.
Rope Guy and Lefty Teacher are the first people in a long while to make me feel like my wants and needs can co-exist within their lives and their other relationships. Rope Guy gets a lot of the credit for the work. but LT has done his share.
I am starting to believe that I can request things. If the person says no, it's not because someone else is more important than I am, it's because there are other factors that maybe I am not aware of or hadn't considered.
I feel like I am not explaining this very well. The long and the short of it is that I love and care for Rope Guy a great deal. I am developing feelings for Lefty Teacher. I don't feel like I am walking into a minefield and it's wonderful.
The song for the day just revealed itself in the last line for me. I think I need some Pat Benatar. The song isn't a perfect match to what I am feeling, but it works for me.
Today's Song - Love is a Battlefield by Pat Benatar
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