My father took me to see the first three Star Wars movies. (That would be New Hope, Empire Strikes Back, and Return of the Jedi). I took my children to see the other six. There was something about seeing the last one that was very hard for me. It felt like the end of an era. I know that there will be other stories in the Star Wars universe, but it will be different. The connection will be adjacent.
I have had people with whom I have shared my love of Star Wars. I had never thought about how it felt like it strengthened my connection to my dad. People who loved aspects of the franchise that I never thought about. I always loved the music and the story. But I have dated people who loved particular characters or could tell me about the various ship models and their abilities. At the moment, I don't have that person in my life, although I could. I am just scared to share that part of myself with someone. Anything involving my father is troublesome. I hadn't realized how much of my feelings for him are incorporated into Star Wars.
My uncle D has been the family patriarch since my grandfather passed away. He has always been the soul of kindness, support and love. He has lost two daughters who were younger than me. Regardless, he has always seemed so strong. At Christmas dinner, he couldn't hold things, his hands were shaking so badly. He also complained of vertigo, which has been a problem for the people in my family. I realized that my time with him is limited and will come to an end. My uncles have been like fathers to me. Every time I lose one of them, it's almost like losing my father again. Seeing my uncle D like this at Christmas reminded me that I have so much more to lose.
I know that I am more fortunate than most, but I feel like I have lost so much this past year. I lost my cousin. I have given up on a friendship that I thought mattered to me. (It did, but not enough for me to let go of my anger.) There are more things I have lost, both little and large. I feel like this year is full of endings, most of which were inevitable, but that I would never have wanted if given the choice. I find I am very tired of endings and thinking about endings.
I realized something with regards to Lefty Teacher. He is covered by the camp rule. I need to leave things better than I find them. I have no problem with being careful, but I don't want to have to consider another ending. I don't want another relationship where I know that the end result is going to be handing him off to someone else. I thought I could do it before and I fucked that up so badly. I broke the camp rule and I left things damaged. I am wondering if I can trust myself with someone I know is vulnerable.
I don't know how to tell this to LT. I will at some point because not telling him things is stupid. I know that not pursuing a relationship because I am afraid of loss is against everything I believe about living.
But I am afraid. I am so tired of losing the people that matter to me. I don't want to risk another.
I am indulging in watching The Lake House. There are very few romantic movies that I will watch, much less enjoy. This is one I have watched over and over. The last watching, I focused on the architecture and the light. Today I paid attention to the music, so I guess that will supply today's song. The story of the writer and singer is a very sad story on it's own.
Today's Song - Pink Moon by Nick Drake
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