"This doesn't have to be the big get even..."

I went to therapy today. There are two big things to work on this summer. 1) I am too negative. 2) I need learn how to move my brain from negative to positive.

While I wish I were just an ion and I could reverse my polarity or some other psycho-techno babble, the fact is that my brain chemistry and my upbringing are working against me. I grew up in an environment where negative thinking was a survival skill, now it's hurting me.

A friend recently made me question their intentions. I thought they wanted to do A, but when I asked about doing A, they declined. I haven't spoken to them since. (Not much of a friend, am I?) The reason is because I was hurt. However even though it was a little thing that they did, I am reacting like it was a big deal. That's because my brain has made it into such. It's a big thing, I am scared to say anything and they don't want to talk to me anyway. And watch one friendship end....

Once I get into a negative space, it is a huge effort to move into a positive one. I am cursed with an incredibly detailed and robust memory. I know, as a psychology teacher, that my memory is likely not as accurate as I like to think, but I can recite conversations verbatim days later. I remember things people told me 20 years ago. I know one problem goes back to my number one issue. Yes, I remember things, but I remember the wrong things I did, the negative responses.

When I was 20, I had my second really intense relationship. I was crazy about this person. After a number of months, their feelings for me changed. I didn't get the hint and I clung. I believe I got the epithet "[_____]'s psycho ex." I have never forgotten how awful it felt to be thought of that way. The lesson I learned was to never stay in a relationship where the feelings didn't seem fairly mutual. I am usually the first to walk and when I do, I just cut off contact. I don't ever want to be where I am not wanted.

Is it possible that I have left relationships that could have been fixed? Absolutely. However, I never developed the nuance to make that determination. I learned a lesson and because of the way I perceive the world, I am almost always sure that the other person will be as relieved as [____] was after I left. It is very hard for me to see the positive when a relationship is going poorly.

The other problem is that once I am hurt, I don't know how to stop feeling hurt. Back to my memory, I have an extensive catalog of everything that has hurt me. I let it sit in the back of my mind and stew. It isn't that I don't remember the good things that someone has done, but if I feel wronged, I take that in the most negative way possible.

It is really difficult for me to trust people. While I know in my brain that there are billions of people in the world who aren't my parents and will not react the way that my parents did, assuming that nothing said was actually meant to be acted upon and that gifts were always given in the least positive manner is what allowed me to survive. It's hard to give that up. If I always expect that people will go back on their word, will tell me what I want to hear just to make me stop asking or otherwise not be forthcoming with information, I am safe. I might be alone, but I'm safe.

That's what I am working this summer (and for long afterward, no doubt). I have to learn that people actually like me. That a negative response doesn't mean a relationship is over and that most people, when faced with my bitch-a-dex, will not come out smelling of roses after I have assumed they are going to treat me like shit.

I don't know if today's song is the best choice, but I heard it on the way home from the store and it's what inspired me to write this out.

"Open your eyes, maybe you'll see the light..."

I am trying to say no a lot more and not worry about justifying myself to other people. It's hard.

There was bloke from SF who chatted me up online. He asked if I would like to meet for coffee. I said sure, next week would be fine. He countered with an offer to meet me whenever and wherever was convenient for me. Now I understand that he was showing enthusiasm but it came across as desperation.

When I told him that I was uncomfortable and that I had offered next week deliberately, he told me that I was overanalyzing things and it was just coffee. I didn't answer, I didn't explain. I haven't bothered to talk to him again.

There is another guy that I have been texting with off and on. Initially the conversations went well. However, after a while, he started getting creepy, asking loaded questions and wanting details about my escapades. I don't want to ghost, but whatever attracted me to him is gone now and I should tell him I am not interested.

I think part of the issue is that I might want people in my life, but I don't need anyone. People have often noted that I always seem to be dating one person or another. My usual answer is that it's easy to have a steady stream of beaus when one doesn't have standards. I think I am finally developing some. 

I want to be treated well. And what is hard for me is that I want to be treated well to my standard. I worry that my standard is too high or unreasonable. I know I am not communicating it well because I have never learned how. Or what I should say is that I am learning now.

So what do I want?

• I want to feel like I am important in a person's life. I don't need to be the most important, but I want to feel like the person wants me around and that I matter. (I realize that is rather vague and I am working on that.)
• I want the emotional labor to be shared. I know that it's going to be an overall thing, not a daily tally sheet. But If I am looking at a relationship and I am finding myself drained just thinking about it, I am probably bearing too much of the emotional load.
• I want some romance. I am not a big flowers and chocolate kind of person. Flowers are dead and I can't eat much chocolate. But I like gestures and to feel like a person was thinking about me. One of my love languages is receiving gifts. 
• While I enjoy giving gifts, acts of service is one of my big things to do. I want the stuff I do for people to be appreciated. 
• In the case of the two guys I mentioned before, I want my brain and my feelings to be taken seriously. If I want to exchange sexy texts, I will let you know. If you want to exchange them with me, ask. Don't assume.
• I want problems to get resolved in a timely manner. I am really bad at this. My usual method of solving problems is to go away. This does solve the problem for me but it doesn't resolve anything with the other person. (I am not sure how to fix this. But I know that the longer a person lets me alone the less likely I will come back.)
• I suppose my last thing is that I want parameters when I am talking to someone. I understand that people have jobs, families, other people, and lives. I don't expect to be at the top of the stack all the time. If there are other obligations, let me know so I can work around them. If I am in a relationship with someone it's really hard to make plans or resolve things if I feel like they are always busy.

That's my wish list, as it were. 

"I'm fired up and tired of the way that things have been..."

This past weekend I found out what anxiety can do to a person. I've had panic attacks before (they are the worst 20 minutes of your life). This weekend I had something much different. I am not sure how to explain it. It was frustrating, awful and debilitating. I am glad I had people to take care of me because I was in desperate need all weekend.

I wanted to go to a musical festival on Saturday. I got a late start, but I thought I would be ok. It was in the city, so a friend and I took Bart. I was all right on the train, but when we walked out of the station, things went awry.

One thing were the smells. Whether it was a good one or a bad one (and it seemed there were more bad ones) they were overwhelming. My friend and I got some food and I could barely eat. I tried to get past it, but I simply couldn't. I made it through about 45 minutes of the festival before I had to leave.

The best I can describe is to say that I couldn't filter anything. Every sound, every sight, every smell, even taste and touch was too much. I was so overwhelmed that I was crying before we even made it to the venue. I tried sitting in a park and breathing. I tried everything I could think of, but I was a mess.

When I got back to a safe space, I took an ativan and crashed. I was a little better the next day, but I was still really fragile. I still didn't eat much. I saw Wonder Woman, but while I enjoyed the movie, I was still really antsy.

I managed to sleep last night without taking any anti-anxiety medication. It makes me groggy in the morning and I didn't want to be late on the last full day of school. I seem to be doing better today, but after this past weekend, I am starting to realize how badly I need my medications. It will be a few more weeks to feel the full affects, but I am back on everything again. Now, if something goes wrong with my shoulder, I have a better therapy than medication that screws up my GI tract, because this sucked!

I heard today's song on the way into work. I believe I need start listening to Imagine Dragons, I haven't heard anything that hasn't resonated.

"Swimming in a fish bowl..."

A friend of mine encouraged me to go talk someone to clear up a likely misunderstanding. I haven't done so.

It will likiely make things less awkward to leave the issue outstanding, but I realized that the misunderstanding is indicative of a larger problem. I don't resolve things well if I can't talk face-to-face. I think that the closer the relationship, the more time I want to spend with the person. I am also starting to believe that I can't relax and feel safe if I only see someone infrequently.

I don't have a clear idea of how frequently and with how much intensity I need to see someone to be comfortable. I can say what isn't enough when it happens. I have, on rare occasions, experienced too much time with a person. However, if you were to ask me to define it in hours and minutes I do not believe I could do so.

The misunderstanding, if that's what it is, was caused because of scheduling. Even if that is cleared up, the problem will remain. A misunderstanding will happen. Finding the time to resolve it will be difficult. I find this frustrating and it makes me feel anxious to leave things unresolved. I don't want to pursue a relationship that I can already see going so poorly. The person simply doesn't have the time to deal with me.

I wonder if this makes me high maintenance?

I suppose that I just have to figure out my needs. At the moment, one of those needs is face-to-face time on an ongoing and regular basis. So, I guess that I will ask accordingly.

Free Fallin'

I have been on psychotropic medications of one sort or another for most of my adult life. When I am unwilling or unable to take them, there is a profound loss of quality to my life. The worse part is that because I am in the thick of it, I can't see how badly things have gone until something happens, usually with another person getting the brunt of it.

I am not someone who is unwilling to take their medications. I willingly live with the side effects because they are better than living with the black dog sitting on my chest. I have medication that makes my life better, I take them.

A few weeks ago I tweaked the muscles of my shoulders. I learned a whole new aspect to having Hashimoto's and Type 2 Diabetes. Any damage I do to my body takes longer to heal than typical people. While diabetes doesn't directly interfere with my body's ability to heal, it does make it harder for my body to take care of itself.

I sometimes feel like my body is a cranky toddler that needs a snack and a nap. At Dickens' Fair, we used to say this about the main villain, Bill Sikes. He wasn't a bad sort, he just needed a proper meal and a long rest. From now on, I am going to envision my body as my personal Bill Sikes, storming around Dickens' London and making everyone miserable because he is so unhappy. At least the image amuses me.

I hurt my shoulder, rather badly. I took pain medication. The pain medication caused nausea. The medication I take to control my diabetes and my depression can cause stomach upset. The last thing I wanted when I was already in pain was to start throwing up, so I discontinued my medications. Eating food was still an issue, so I prioritized good calories as much as I could, but there were days when I would eat more carbs than I should because they made my stomach happier.

A carbohydrate rich diet also spikes my blood sugar. Aside from the overall health issues an elevated blood sugar can cause, it also makes my emotional state unstable and unpredictable. An emotional roller coaster causes stress, which transfers right back into my shoulder, which still isn't fully healed.  More pain medication, continued stress eating and lather, rinse and repeat.

I should note that my blood sugar isn't "bad" per say. It was 170 after eating when I checked it last (my target is under 150). I haven't done a fasting blood sugar in a while, nausea + pricking my finger were not a good combination. So I don't have a full panel of data, but I was surprised that it wasn't worse given that I haven't been taking anything to control my diabetes for weeks.

I know why I was so angry last night. I mean I know the physiological reasons. I understand that things are pretty bad due to choices I made. I am not sure what better choices I could make. The side effects of diabetes medication that won't make my digestive system into a war zone are likely to kill me. The anti-depressants that won't bother my stomach are also likely to kill me or cause other damage.

I am not looking for advice. I didn't decide independently to stop taking all of my medication. My medical team are aware of the problem and just as stymied to find the best way through. I probably should have just taken the time off of work but trying to get a sore shoulder recognized as a legitimate problem is a bureaucratic nightmare. There are only eight days left before I go on summer vacation. I just have to make it through and hope I don't lose too many friends in the process.

Today's song is just what I thought of, again not the most lyrically appropriate.

Anger

I am angry. I am writing about this now, because I don't want to reflect upon or consider or think. I am feeling the emotion and I supposed to.

After days, perhaps weeks of holding it in, the anger exploded in a flurry of words and epithets. I simply couldn't stop the rage. 

I could tell you what made me angry, but it wouldn't make any sense. Even I know that my anger was misplaced. No one did anything wrong, no one said the wrong thing. But after holding my anger in for so long, after being quiet and silent for so long, I could no more stop my frustration from pouring out than I could prevent getting wet in the rain. 

I don't know what to do about anger like this. I know it was wrong. I know it was misplaced. I know that I ruined a relationship by taking it out on someone else. I knew all of that and I did it anyway. I don't know that I have ever been so angry that I couldn't just stop. 

I wish I could take back the words. I wish I weren't so angry. I believe my anger is justified. I believe that my anger has been put on hold for too long. But I am not sure what to do when I have to sit on my anger. I am not sure what to do when I have sat on it for so long that I can't control it.

I didn't do anything epically stupid. I didn't show up at someone's house or call them while they were out with their friends. I blew up someone's phone with texts, but I stopped within 15 minutes. 

I am not enraged anymore. I am still angry. I am still hurt. I am still sitting on my feelings and I don't know how to get rid of them. I don't know what to do. I just want to cry and yell and just beat on someone's chest until I don't feel this anymore. I am so tired of being a good girl and pretending that I am ok. I'm not ok.

I am not ok. I am angry. I am hurt. I am human. The person who set me off didn't deserve my rage, but I didn't lie, I didn't filter. I didn't care about their feelings. I wish texting those things had made me feel better, but I didn't feel heard, I made things worse and now I've screwed up a relationship, probably ruined it.

Fuck, tonight sucked and I have nothing to show for it, but empty words and a wall of unread texts.

Emotions suck.

"Don't feel like dancin', dancin'; Even if I find nothin' better to do..."

I find blogging to be fairly useful. I emotionally bleed all over the internet. It keeps my drama nicely contained and mostly out of my day-to-day life.

It isn't my entire life and I know that. I worry that people might think that I am just this bundle of psychoses and emotional storms. I suppose it shouldn't bother me, but it does.

I worry that people will think that they know what's going on with me because I give a few slices here. I am not worrying about being judged. I had a friend recently ask me if I had read about something on Facebook. When I mentioned that I had, they abruptly changed the subject because they didn't want to bore me. I didn't know how to say that I really didn't remember the details and I would be happy if they would tell me more.

I never want to assume that anyone reads, much less remembers, what I write. I also wouldn't want anyone to think that because they read something, that's all there is to a situation. I know that people will make their assumptions no matter what, but I would rather people ask than assume. I would rather people tell me something I read on social media, because I know from personal experience that social media is a shallow reflection of what's really going on.

There's a great song by the Scissor Sisters, it's really catchy and I have heard it a lot of dance venues. I find it really funny that the title is "I Don't Feel Like Dancin'". I chose the song because there is a lot more to the song than just the title. The song describes how I've been feeling recently. I know dancing would make me feel better, but it's been difficult to gumption to go. However, it's not just because of how I have been feeling, but because of situations that I haven't describes that makes attending my usual venues emotionally complicated and I'm feeling too vulnerable to brave new ones.

"The Way I Are..."

My second roommate is one of the most photogenic people I know. She's gorgeous. She is petite, lithe, and her eyes are striking. She is an accomplished dancer, singer, and has presence on and off the stage. I wanted to look like her, to be like her. When I was 20, I probably would have sold my soul if I could have even been given a little of her charisma.

I realized later (and I will always be thankful to the people who helped me see) that for all her gifts, she was quite human and that my admiration was somewhat misplaced. Instead of seeing my own abilities and positive attributes, I only saw what I wasn't.

If there is any reason I want to kick my 20 year old ass, its because if I had spent more time appreciating my own gifts instead of envying someone else, I think I would have been a far happier person. It took way too much time for me to understand that I was never going to look like her or be physically attractive the way that she was, but that didn't mean I wasn't appealing in my own way.

I still don't see myself as very pretty, but I think I am much better at playing to my strengths when I dress and present myself. (I'm never going to be very photogenic.)

I have always had a big personality. It is something that my family remarks upon rather frequently, since it was not something my parents supported. I guess I developed it in spite of them. I never shied away from speaking my mind, having opinions and barreling through the world like the proverbial bull in a china shop. The joy of youth, I was in my thirties before I questioned the downsides of my extroversion and attitude.

Social Anxiety feels a lot like wishing that I could look at my roommate. Instead of embracing everything that having a bright and bold persona can do for me, I feel like I much time wishing I was someone else that people would find more attractive. I know that I can no more be a quiet and compassionate soul, who nurtures and listens to people than I can be petite and photogenic stage performer.

I am not sure if therapy is working anymore. I already know what my therapist will say, which will be that I need to learn to ignore those voices in my head that say that everything I am both good and bad are just part and parcel and that the people who love me will embrace it.

I wish I knew how to make myself believe that.

The lyrics for today's song don't really apply, but it was what was going my head, so I'm sharing it.

"I'm just the same as I was..."

A friend recently asked me what it is I am so afraid of when asking things of other people. I couldn't answer them at the time. After the past few days, I think I know. Rejection scares the hell out of me. Rejection isn't just a simple no, but it is an emotionally fraught minefield in which I have already been injured too many times.

My second husband and I were together for seven years. Our relationship was always a challenging one. My husband would expect me to do things, to understand things about this needs and desires. He would expect me to know, but he couldn't communicate what he wanted. He implied that if I had to ask him directly, I obviously didn't care enough about him. When I didn't fulfill the needs he didn't express and couldn't articulate, my ex would get very angry. He would say and do really abusive things. He would yell, he would insult me, and sometimes to make his point he would punch walls or break objects. I didn't think it was abuse because he never hit me, but his actions and words left their mark. I have not lived with the man for over 13 years and I still get very anxious when I am faced with similar situations. "Not good enough" is the song of my brain weasels. The professional diagnosis I received is C-PTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). I have been treating it (along with everything else) with medication and therapy. I am told I am making considerable progress. These past few weeks not withstanding.

Benjamin and I have tried to resolve our differences. We have put a lot of time and effort into salvaging a relationship that means a lot to the both of us. It hasn't been easy. I felt like just getting him to even take time out to talk to me was overly challenging. When we did talk, it did not go well. When we discussed it later, he said "Last time I told you specifically what would cause it [a negative emotional reaction], which you then proceeded to do, which visibly caused distress. When I gave you a five minute warning, you waited for me to compose myself and then just continued." (posted without permission)

I don't know if he warned me or not. That was not my experience of our interactions. However since Benjamin hit upon some of my emotional vulnerable spots, it doesn't matter what really happened. Now I just don't want to talk to him again because I can feel the bile rising up. While Benjamin doesn't say horrible things or hit walls, his distress isn't something I can take at the moment. I feel like I was a horrible and selfish person who ignored his needs while trying to force him to address mine.

This feeling of worthlessness was exacerbated because when we got together a subsequent time, he told me how upset and angry Becca was that he had cancelled with her so many times in order to see me. He told me that seeing me had probably ruined his relationship with her. (I am only aware of  making one request for Benjamin to change his plans with Becca. I still think that I had a reasonable request, but obviously Benjamin and Becca felt otherwise.)

I do not know what reality of that situation is. I know that in a poly relationship if one person is always squeaking and forcing changes in the relationship, that's a problem. I don't know if that's what I have actually done. I know that I don't wish to be in a polyship where I am told I am ruining the relationship for someone else. I am not sure what to do. I finally told Benjamin the following:

"We had a chance to find a resolution. Apparently I screwed it up all three times. I didn't listen when you were feeling overwhelmed. I didn't understand that Becca was upset. I didn't know that by spending time with me, I was ruining your relationship with Becca. My [husband] and [housemate] have had their reservations, they have never told me that seeing you was ruining my relationships with them.
 
I can't express how devastating it is to know that by asking to have your needs met, you are screwing up someone's life and relationships. So, I won't. I just won't ask. That's the only resolution you seem to have left me. I'll do my best to live with it."

Benjamin stated that he felt that we should talk again when he returns from the trip he is currently on. My response:  "I am more than willing to talk in person. But even that is a challenge because I have to make sure that we schedule a time that won't interfere with your time with Becca or what else. It has to be when we are both emotionally stable. And then I won't be able to say anything anyway, because I can't read you. It's giving me anxiety just thinking about it."

This is complicated stuff and I realize that the history of stupid that Benjamin and I have built together is contributing to the issues.  So here's a simpler example and a more reasonable exchange.

The friend who asked me what I am so afraid of has been encouraging me to request things that I want from people, even if the possible answer is no. It's really difficult for me to initiate plans, much less ask for what I want. I did both. I asked them about their availability (not for the next six weeks and their response seemed to imply I should have known that.) I mentioned what I might be interested in X. Their response was that there were more people wanting to participate in X with them than they had X's to give.  Given my issues with asking for what I want, they also felt that negotiating X could be a problem.

I didn't say much, I tucked my tail between my legs and withdrew from the conversation. If they read this, it's the first they will hear about about that conversation. Why haven't I said anything directly to them? I figure they have better things to deal with than my fears and insecurities. I don't see any point in bringing it up, since their answer was no.

I know that I need to get better at taking rejection, not taking it so damn personally. I know this and I have been trying to get better, I discuss it a lot with my therapist. But when the brain weasels sing, I can't consider anything but their horrible anthem, "Not Good Enough" and then I feel like I am just the same as I was, scared that my husband is going to say something awful and confirm that I really am worthless.