"The Way I Are..."

My second roommate is one of the most photogenic people I know. She's gorgeous. She is petite, lithe, and her eyes are striking. She is an accomplished dancer, singer, and has presence on and off the stage. I wanted to look like her, to be like her. When I was 20, I probably would have sold my soul if I could have even been given a little of her charisma.

I realized later (and I will always be thankful to the people who helped me see) that for all her gifts, she was quite human and that my admiration was somewhat misplaced. Instead of seeing my own abilities and positive attributes, I only saw what I wasn't.

If there is any reason I want to kick my 20 year old ass, its because if I had spent more time appreciating my own gifts instead of envying someone else, I think I would have been a far happier person. It took way too much time for me to understand that I was never going to look like her or be physically attractive the way that she was, but that didn't mean I wasn't appealing in my own way.

I still don't see myself as very pretty, but I think I am much better at playing to my strengths when I dress and present myself. (I'm never going to be very photogenic.)

I have always had a big personality. It is something that my family remarks upon rather frequently, since it was not something my parents supported. I guess I developed it in spite of them. I never shied away from speaking my mind, having opinions and barreling through the world like the proverbial bull in a china shop. The joy of youth, I was in my thirties before I questioned the downsides of my extroversion and attitude.

Social Anxiety feels a lot like wishing that I could look at my roommate. Instead of embracing everything that having a bright and bold persona can do for me, I feel like I much time wishing I was someone else that people would find more attractive. I know that I can no more be a quiet and compassionate soul, who nurtures and listens to people than I can be petite and photogenic stage performer.

I am not sure if therapy is working anymore. I already know what my therapist will say, which will be that I need to learn to ignore those voices in my head that say that everything I am both good and bad are just part and parcel and that the people who love me will embrace it.

I wish I knew how to make myself believe that.

The lyrics for today's song don't really apply, but it was what was going my head, so I'm sharing it.