My second husband and I were together for seven years. Our relationship was always a challenging one. My husband would expect me to do things, to understand things about this needs and desires. He would expect me to know, but he couldn't communicate what he wanted. He implied that if I had to ask him directly, I obviously didn't care enough about him. When I didn't fulfill the needs he didn't express and couldn't articulate, my ex would get very angry. He would say and do really abusive things. He would yell, he would insult me, and sometimes to make his point he would punch walls or break objects. I didn't think it was abuse because he never hit me, but his actions and words left their mark. I have not lived with the man for over 13 years and I still get very anxious when I am faced with similar situations. "Not good enough" is the song of my brain weasels. The professional diagnosis I received is C-PTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). I have been treating it (along with everything else) with medication and therapy. I am told I am making considerable progress. These past few weeks not withstanding.
Benjamin and I have tried to resolve our differences. We have put a lot of time and effort into salvaging a relationship that means a lot to the both of us. It hasn't been easy. I felt like just getting him to even take time out to talk to me was overly challenging. When we did talk, it did not go well. When we discussed it later, he said "Last time I told you specifically what would cause it [a negative emotional reaction], which you then proceeded to do, which visibly caused distress. When I gave you a five minute warning, you waited for me to compose myself and then just continued." (posted without permission)
I don't know if he warned me or not. That was not my experience of our interactions. However since Benjamin hit upon some of my emotional vulnerable spots, it doesn't matter what really happened. Now I just don't want to talk to him again because I can feel the bile rising up. While Benjamin doesn't say horrible things or hit walls, his distress isn't something I can take at the moment. I feel like I was a horrible and selfish person who ignored his needs while trying to force him to address mine.
This feeling of worthlessness was exacerbated because when we got together a subsequent time, he told me how upset and angry Becca was that he had cancelled with her so many times in order to see me. He told me that seeing me had probably ruined his relationship with her. (I am only aware of making one request for Benjamin to change his plans with Becca. I still think that I had a reasonable request, but obviously Benjamin and Becca felt otherwise.)
I do not know what reality of that situation is. I know that in a poly relationship if one person is always squeaking and forcing changes in the relationship, that's a problem. I don't know if that's what I have actually done. I know that I don't wish to be in a polyship where I am told I am ruining the relationship for someone else. I am not sure what to do. I finally told Benjamin the following:
"We had a chance to find a resolution. Apparently I screwed it up all three times. I didn't listen when you were feeling overwhelmed. I didn't understand that Becca was upset. I didn't know that by spending time with me, I was ruining your relationship with Becca. My [husband] and [housemate] have had their reservations, they have never told me that seeing you was ruining my relationships with them.
I can't express how devastating it is to know that by asking to have your needs met, you are screwing up someone's life and relationships. So, I won't. I just won't ask. That's the only resolution you seem to have left me. I'll do my best to live with it."
Benjamin stated that he felt that we should talk again when he returns from the trip he is currently on. My response: "I am more than willing to talk in person. But even that is a challenge because I have to make sure that we schedule a time that won't interfere with your time with Becca or what else. It has to be when we are both emotionally stable. And then I won't be able to say anything anyway, because I can't read you. It's giving me anxiety just thinking about it."
This is complicated stuff and I realize that the history of stupid that Benjamin and I have built together is contributing to the issues. So here's a simpler example and a more reasonable exchange.
The friend who asked me what I am so afraid of has been encouraging me to request things that I want from people, even if the possible answer is no. It's really difficult for me to initiate plans, much less ask for what I want. I did both. I asked them about their availability (not for the next six weeks and their response seemed to imply I should have known that.) I mentioned what I might be interested in X. Their response was that there were more people wanting to participate in X with them than they had X's to give. Given my issues with asking for what I want, they also felt that negotiating X could be a problem.
I didn't say much, I tucked my tail between my legs and withdrew from the conversation. If they read this, it's the first they will hear about about that conversation. Why haven't I said anything directly to them? I figure they have better things to deal with than my fears and insecurities. I don't see any point in bringing it up, since their answer was no.
I know that I need to get better at taking rejection, not taking it so damn personally. I know this and I have been trying to get better, I discuss it a lot with my therapist. But when the brain weasels sing, I can't consider anything but their horrible anthem, "Not Good Enough" and then I feel like I am just the same as I was, scared that my husband is going to say something awful and confirm that I really am worthless.
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