"Woah, why didn't you say something, babygirl?"

There is an event coming up and I was thinking of going. I decided not to go because the person who is running it has demonstrated some tendencies that make me very uncomfortable. Organizations need to have figure heads, names that will draw people and encourage attendance. No one person is liked by everyone, so no organizer is going to make everyone happy. What I have noticed, however, is that when it comes to a figurehead, people are willing to overlook a great deal. Everyone seems shocked, shocked, I tell you that people (usually white men) in power will abuse it.

I have to wonder if before Harvey Weinstein or Matt Lauer (allegedly) assaulted people, there weren't signs that people ignored. Did these men use their influence to isolate people who called them on their actions? Did these men blackball people from their industry who might have exposed them? Did people overlook what was being said because of their charisma, their power, the money they brought in, or their influence? How many things did people forgive, up to and including the assault of vulnerable young people, because it was a man in power doing it?

People have warned about witch hunts and going after men just because they are men. There are some people who have been wrongfully accused of being sexually inappropriate and no one considered investigating the situation, simply kicked them out with only hearsay evidence. I know it happens, but it seems somewhat rare. That said, as a history teacher, I want to be aware of mob justice and taking someone down just because public support has turned against them.

I worry that I see in so many venues (theater, dance, professional, and tech fields) places where people in power have created fiefdoms where they cannot be questioned and people follow them. I hear stories from people where these men have pushed people out (usually middle aged women who don't respect their implied authority) and have made people who challenge their actions seem like they were simply being bitchy or judgemental. How many of those people will end up being like Rose McGowan, vindicated but still dealing with the emotional and psychological damage that was done to them?

I am not asking this question because I want to see this organizer (or anyone) removed. I think that simply removing these abusers and locking them in a closet doesn't fix the problem. It just means that the assaults will become less overt and the abuse more subtle. People in power, whether they organize an event, run a production company, or star in a show, need to be taught how to treat people. When they are accused of treating someone unfairly, people need to listen to the victim (I hate that word) and figure out how to correct the behavior. Kicking people out doesn't fix the problem, it just shifts it and makes it someone else's problem.

I am glad that there is the #metoo movement and that it has gotten such traction. However, I think that simply identifying abusers isn't enough. I think it is just as important to start looking at the people who are organizing events, running companies, and otherwise are in a positions of influence and power and question what they are doing and who they are doing it to. Transparency and open communication would do a lot more to prevent abuse (in my opinion) than identifying abusers after they have already hurt people irreparably.

I have to admit, I have a lot of bias. I have been the "victim" of people who used their influence to push me out of a space. I have seen them do it to other people. I came forward and told people about what happened and I was pushed back. I was told I was overreacting and that they didn't mean to cause trouble. I was asked to compromise. At the same time, I had other people (both men and women) come to me and tell me about how they had suffered the same way. Yes, this person was removed from a position of influence and power over me directly or yes, I went to a different venue, but their actions were never questioned, their attitude was never addressed. The problem wasn't resolved, it was shifted. These people are still in positions of influence and I believe they are hurting others.

Do I think these individuals will do violence? I hope not, but I have witness them threaten it. I don't think it should take assault, sexual abuse or some other extreme behavior before action is taken. It seems to me that a supportive community could listen to someone without calling them hysterical and a trouble maker. I think a supportive community could address the issue directly and calmly. The people who feel marginalized will feel heard.  The people who are potentially starting down a road where they will abuse their power are shown a better, more constructive way to use their charisma and influence.

Of course that would take something that seems lacking in many communities, which are people in power who are willing to have it questioned, so I don't hold up much hope. The best I seem to be able to do is to avoid events where I don't feel welcome or safe and find other venues and hobbies.

Today's song, again, chose itself.

"I want a new drug, one that does what it should..."

It is time to find a new therapist. I like my therapist. I like her a great deal and in the years we have been working together, I have learned and grown a great deal. I don’t always agree with her and I believe that she could go into more depth, but overall she is one of the better therapists I have had.

The problem is her availability. Her next appointment isn’t available until late March. If I could see her during the work day, this wouldn’t be such a problem, but I can’t take a long lunch or duck out for an hour in the morning. I am competing with every teacher, every student, and anyone else who wants an appointment after 3pm.

This is not new, there are times when I will go a month or more without seeing my therapist. Before now it wasn’t a problem, but my life has changed. I have been taking anti-depressants for a few years now. While the studies are varied, I know that for me, my body needs to take breaks from having my neurotransmitter production artificially elevated. I am hitting that point. I am falling into negative moods too easily and there are other symptoms that tell me that my body needs a rest.

Going off of anti-depressants is not easy, even if it’s needed. I can do a slow wean, but I will need a lot of therapeutic support while I adjust. I want to get a consistent bi-weekly appointment. My current therapist is part of my medical group and while better than Kaiser, her availability is a problem.

I know I also need to get back into a regular routine. For a number of reasons, my sleep schedule has been disrupted and I am working on a chronic lack of sleep. It’s messing up everything, my diet, my ability to focus and my mood. I am cranky and difficult all the time. It’s becoming a real issue.

My current therapist says “Cognitive Behavioral Therapy” which is useful, but I don’t think it’s the perfect fit for me and that is her psychological emphasis. I am going to talk to her about joining her women’s group because some support that way would probably help.

Today's song, again, seemed like such an easy choice.

"we can't rewind we've gone to far..."

I am in a rotten mood, I will fully own that. Me = crappy mood

I had two online interactions tonigh and both went south. I am sure my mood didn't help, but people are sometimes assholes and I got a double dose tonight.

I was talking to a friend, someone I think I can count on. When I told them that things were going poorly and that I needed them, they said, "I hope you can find support, especially since most of the things troubling you are unrelated to me." Now, in the proper context, what they said was appropriate, there are other people that I can rely on, but it was also dismissive and rude.

At about the same time, I was being chatted up by a guy who was interested in getting to know me. I had warned him that today wasn't a good day. He didn't show much empathy. We only exchanged a few texts back and forth before he asked for a video chat. (Dude, what part of bad day and tired did you miss?) I told him no and so, of course, he asked for a pic. Now, in the proper context, what they asked was appropriate, I had seen a picture of him, but it was also dismissive and rude.

I have to admit, I’m not terribly impressed with online interactions right now. I think communicating with people online becomes too much like shopping on Amazon. We think we can pick and choose our interactions based on a series of criteria. We want it to be similar to the way we buy speakers. (I am totally ripping this idea off from my housemate, Shawn.)

I feel like the people I spoke with tonight were saying, "Hey it's great that you are Bluetooth compatible, have a state of the art equalizer and can fill a room with sound, but you're not compact enough for people who frequently travel, as useful as I find you, I just don't want you right now. However, when I need speakers for my desktop, you'll be the first person I'll call."

Fuck both of you! I am a person behind the screen, could you try to remember that?

 - It seems that my needs were inconvenient tonight. If I was asking you for support, guess what, it's because I didn't think I would get it elsewhere! I'm glad to know that when I'm inconvenient, you'll make sure to dismiss me as such. I'll remember that in the unlikely event that I will ever offer you my time and effort again.

 - It seems that you weren't interested in getting to know a real person who has bad days and and is tired. You wanted to make some sort of connection, but on your terms and no concern for how I was doing. I'll remember that in the unlikely event that I talk to you again.

I have to say that I had one friend that I mostly only talk to online who was very sweet and wonderful tonight.

So a second post today and again the song was a gimme:

"I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take..."

I am due to see my therapist this afternoon. I am not sure what to discuss. There are just so many things that are frustrating and yet I feel like we keep having the same discussion over and over.

I suppose I should bring up how triggering I find being left alone. I hate being alone, with a fiery and devoted passion.

My parents divorced in 1976. My mother got the house (ostensibly for my sake) but it was way more than she could afford. She started working two jobs just to keep up the payments. By the time I was 8 I came home from school and let myself in with a key. I remember nights where she would come home for a rushed dinner with me and then leave me alone until bedtime. I know that there were nights when I put myself to bed, usually not falling asleep until I heard her car in the driveway.

My mother wasn't the most attentive parent as it was. However, working two jobs meant that she never checked my homework, never discussed what was going on at school and didn't really pay attention to me. I remember my 6th grade teacher had to strongly suggest that my mother take me bra shopping. My mother hadn't noticed that I was a 'B' cup at 12.

My mother has said that I was a troublesome teen. I want to scream at her every time she says that. I didn't cut school, I didn't do drugs, I wasn't going to parties, and I wasn't running around with boys. I was active in my church and the church youth group. My grades weren't good, but that was because I had never learned study skills or how to do homework. Until middle school, I was smart enough to keep up without ever doing the work, so my teachers let it slide. When I did run into work that was actually difficult, I simply assumed I wasn't good at school and didn't bother working on the things that didn't interest me. That said, I wasn't a rebellious teenager

My mother, on the other hand, was suffering from a very deep depression. I have very few positive memories of my mother during my middle school and high school years. I remember a dark and quiet house. My mother didn't have to work two jobs anymore, but the "good" job she ended up with  made her miserable. I was still alone any time I was at home, but I had to stay in my room and stay out of the way. Of course I jumped at the chance to live with my father.

I hate living alone and I have probably spent less than two years of my life living without a partner or a roommate. Even then, my daughter was with me part time. I don't need interaction all the time, but I simply don't know what to do with myself when I am alone. My therapist has suggested that I take this time to get to know my inner abandoned child and soothe her. I suppose, I have some really deep abandonment issues. I tried watching cartoons and playing with toys, but I felt dumb.

I hate 4pm to 8pm. I simply hate that time of day. I am home and often alone. I have to cook dinner. If the dishes didn't get done the day before, I have to at least tackle them enough so I can prepare food. If feels like most of my life is being alone in the late afternoon waiting for someone who is tired and cranky to get home, eat, and then go to the bedroom because they're so tired from work.

It's something that I know that my husband and I need to work on, but there is only so much we can do. By the time I should be getting to bed, my husband decompressed enough that he is able to be interactive.

I know I should get out and do things in the evenings. I just don't know what. I really can't stay out much past 10, so it feels like my options are limited. There is also social anxiety and a few other things to deal with. I don't know how grownups do this. I know how to work. I know how to amuse myself when I am alone. I don't know what I am supposed to do when I'm home and feel abandoned and lonely.

 Today's song is a gimme.

"They say time heals everything; but I'm still waiting..."

I am at a loss. I am so angry and I don't know what to do about it. I do not like having strong emotions about my job. Employers have no reason to be loyal to me. I have learned that the hard way on numerous occasions.

I appreciate that I am part of a union. There is more camaraderie when colleagues aren't competing for open positions or promotions. However, my first three years of teaching I had a department head who was manipulative and had it not been for an administration that actively supported me, I am not sure I would have make it to my fourth year of teaching.

I know that I need to remember that just because this project didn't pan out, isn't the end of the world. Another opportunity will come along. However, teaching doesn't offer any path towards promotion unless I want to go into administration, which isn't terribly interesting to me. A project like the one that was just taken is as close as I have found, so to have lost it feels like a demotion.

I know I would miss teaching, but maybe I wouldn't feel trapped. I hope a weekend of rest clears my head.

"I want to be where nothing needs to matter..."

There's nothing better than having your boss (in my case principal) dismiss the work you have been doing for the past four years because he doesn't want to deal with the fact that the activities director  isn't fit to hold the position. The principal refused to meet in person after our team asked multiple times.

This is the first time that I've seriously considered moving to another school within my district or leaving my district altogether. (If I leave the district, I only take 5 years of seniority with me, so it would hurt my paycheck. Tenure is a double edged sword.)

I know job frustrations are universal, but I have spent so much time trying to make this program a success and I am really tired of feeling thwarted at every turn.

Thwarted is a tough feeling for me to deal with. I hate it. It feels like getting lost. I feel like I should know what I am doing. I feel like it should be obvious, but for whatever reason, I don't know where I am, I don't know where I stand and I don't know where I am going.

I have been feeling really thwarted at work for the past two years. There are things that I want to do, classes I would like to teach, and I feel like I keep getting stuck. I really love teaching, but their is no recognition for a job well done or appreciation for the work that I do. This program was something and it feels like it doesn't matter. Teaching language learners was supposed to be an opportunity but I haven't received any support, materials or help. It's just extra work with no compensation.

I feel thwarted in my health goals. Eating every day feels like an impossible challenge, much less eating the food that is good for my diabetes, doesn't exacerbate my thyroid and takes my other dietary considerations into account. I am almost tempted to sign up for one of those meal planning and delivery sources just to have the choices taken out of my hands.

I feel thwarted in my social communities. I am not sure what I am looking for, but I don't feel like I really belong anywhere. I feel like an imposter or an alien and it isn't a good feeling. There are events this weekend and I mostly resigned to not going because I don't feel supported or that anyone would notice if I didn't attend. I know most of that is social anxiety, but even that feels like I am stuck on a plateau. Do I change my medications? Do I change therapists? Do I try group therapy?

I could continue, but I'll leave it at feeling thwarted in just about every aspect. I feel like my best option is to simply upend my life and start all over. It's not a practical solution, but I feel like it would at least reset the playing field. 

Maybe this is my midlife crisis?

Today's song is one I first heard thanks to my seester. It's my go to when life just feels like it's too damn much. 

"I won't harm you or touch your defenses..."

I ran across an article (while looking for another one, isn't that the way?). The article is about what to do when a friend has depression. As someone who was diagnosed with depression when I was 13, I mostly agree with it.

I would like to add something to it. I think consistency is key. Routine is my saving grace. I wish I were better at it and it's something I am working on. I try to take my medications at the same time every day, eat on a regular schedule, sleep on a regular schedule, etc.

It was one of the big reasons I got my dog, Connie, to help enforce consistency. She still wants attention and care, regardless of how I am feeling. There are days when she was the only reason I got out of bed.

I am doing better, at least on most days. However, there are things which set me up for a depressive episode. Feeling overwhelmed is one of big ones. The other one is when, for some reason, plans are changed or can't be made in a timely fashion. I used to think of myself as very flexible, but either I never was or as I get older, I am simply less adaptable.

It is one of the things I appreciate about Ren Fair and Dickens Fair. They start at a certain time, they end at a certain time and while my day isn't exactly the same, there is a consistency I can rely upon.

One of the problems is when I make plans with someone and they are changed, regardless of the reason, it's a problem. I can take it when it happens from time to time, but when it becomes a consistent issue, it sets off my anxiety and my depression and it can be very difficult for me to bounce back.

My husband and I were going to see Coco today I wasn't hugely interested, but I was willing to go with him. He decided that he didn't want to after all. It was a small thing and I had other things I was trying to accomplish, so I rolled with it.

There have been other times when I have tried to schedule with a friend. Their life is complicated. Making plans with them can be troublesome. I have stopped trusting them with regards to scheduling. There have been enough instances where I've tried to make plans and them changed, canceled or simply forgotten that I have simply given up.

It all goes with the anxiety and depression. I know I can't live in a bubble where everything goes my way. I also know that I need consistency and while I hate to lose a good friend, I think I will only see them when stars align. I will just have to learn not worry about making plans with them.

"I've taken more than would a fool..."

One of my problems as a teacher is that I would never let students see my anger or frustraion. My students would push and push and nothing would faze me. It would go on for months until one day I would snap and lash out when some unsuspecting student pushed me too far.

I finally realized that the students did not want to see teacher who was always unruffled and unfazed. I learned how to show irritations, disdain and other negative emotions in the moment and not let things go until I was pushed past my breaking point.

It was a hard lesson as a teacher. It's a harder lesson as a person. (I believe I have blogged about this before.) I just take it and take it and take it (whatever "it" is) until I finally can't take anymore. I snap, lash out and in many cases end the friendship, the relationship, whatever. I don't say anything. I simply walk away.

When I was 21, I was dating a guy. We did the off again, on again thing. He did stuff that emotionally hurt and hurt and hurt until I finally snapped. I spent months trying to get revenge and all I did was make a damn fool of myself. (To be clear, the guy was an asshole, but he wasn't abusive.)

I still do it. I will stay in a relationship, hoping that it will get better. Friendship, relationship, it doesn't matter, I'll take a lot from the people I care about. It's hard for me to tell someone I care about that they have something that hurts me, even if what happened was unintentional. It's much easier to smile and just take it...until I can't anymore.

I feel like I hit that point in the past few weeks. I have been taking crap for so long and its become such a habit, I can't imagine what life would be like where I didn't have to take it. I have tried to say something, I have tried to communicate, but I don't feel heard.

So, this is the part where I just walk away. It's not what I want to do, but I feel like I'm out of options.  I just wish I could be better about communicating when I am in pain and when I am reaching my breaking point.

"Only the Lonely know why I cry..."

Let me tell you what social anxiety has been like for me.

I have been afraid to have people over to my house because it is not clean. I have been afraid to let people meet my dogs because they might not be well enough behaved. I can't remember the last time I had people over to my house. It's just too hard to make the effort.

I miss a lot of social gatherings. It challenging for me to go out. I am afraid that I will say or do the wrong thing. It takes a ton of emotional energy to get out of the house. It takes even more to get out alone. I love my husband, but he is an introvert, so he is not good about getting me to go places. If I don't take the initiative, we stay home.

Spending time with friends is really hard for me. I don't know how to tell people I would like to see them. I don't ask people to come to see me, so I don't feel like I can ask to see them. There aren't many engraved invitations and even when there are, I seem to miss a lot of things. Then I feel bad for missing so many things and the cycle just continues.

I have had people tell me that I should just go to dance (and other) events and not worry. That's very good advice. I have tried that tactic. There are some people in my social groups who have added to my issues. One of them (whom I have spoken about at length) played on a lot of my social anxieties and I allowed that person to exacerbate them. I am not the only one. My husband won't attend events that this person is at. A number of my friends will also not go if that person is going to be in attendance. I would be going alone and I would not have people I know I can depend to support me. So, no, I don't attend those events.

There are dance (and other) events that this person doesn't attend. However, I always feel like I have to hustle and move for partners and getting to dance often feels like more work than it's worth. My husband doesn't enjoy them. I don't have anyone who will consistently join me. After a couple of evenings where I barely danced at all, I stopped making the effort to go. Now when I think about attending, all i think about is being ignored, not dancing and not talking to anyone. I decide it's not worth the effort to attend.

I had a friend who tried working with me on being better about asking for what I wanted. They had me do exercises with them to ask for ridiculous things and get used to them saying no, or no, but. I was very excited to put my burgeoning skills to the test and so I asked this friend about getting together and potentially doing a particular activity. It did not go well. They told me that their first availability wasn't for weeks and noted that they are a very busy person. It was text, but the tone felt very dismissive. It didn't help when they followed it up with "I worry that you don't have enough ability to ask and comfort in asking in order for us to determine that there is a thing that we both would be interested in.  (this is also coming at a time when I have more opportunities ... than interest)" (posted without permission)

And that was that. I dropped out of the conversation and have barely spoken to this person since. After all of their work with me to get comfortable asking for something, it was ruined with a few texts. I just ran. That also means that I have a whole other group of social venues to avoid. Not only that, but I stopped asking other people to do activities with me. I just stopped. If one person turned me down so flat, why would anyone else be different?

That's social anxiety. That's my social anxiety and it's getting worse. I feel absolutely stupid asking people to go places with me and hold my hand. I spend most of my nights alone and miserable. (My husband is a wonderful person, but he is an introvert, he doesn't usually want to be social after a day of work.)
  
I am in non-monogamous relationships (if you somehow missed that fact) and the anxiety is absolutely killing my current relationship. I feel marginalized and thwarted and I don't feel heard. I have tried to work things out, but it's an ongoing problem and I feel like the other two people in the group have to be my therapists (and I have one of those). 

I tried to ask for what I wanted this weekend and I have been told all the ways I did that incorrectly. I was told I was selfish and didn't think of others. I finally just told off my partner and retreated.
  
His other partner interceded. She talked me down and got me to consider a compromise. I was given a number of options for this weekend. I didn't want any of them, because they didn't address the pain and hurt I have been feeling. However, because I felt guilty (and anxious) for all the work the metamour put in, I opted for the one I knew she wanted. I told my partner that I would call them on Sunday. When given the opportunity, to say something he accused me of being sarcastic and giving up. He was right about the giving up, but I wasn't being sarcastic. If he wanted to see me, he would have made the effort. He didn't give a preference and so I figured he didn't want to see me.

I suppose I might contact him on Sunday, but I sort of doubt I will. I have the feeling that given how I have been feeling and how poorly we have been communicating, It is easier to simply run away. I know I will miss the relationship, but the anxiety of scheduling and feeling like I matter so little is making me psycho. I can't seem to work it out and I shouldn't keep imposing on others. My partner doesn't really want me anyway. He's just doesn't want to be the bad guy and be the one to dump me. My solution is easier on everyone involved. I should note that said partner knows about this blog and I guess he reads it, so you can add passive aggressive fuck to my list of sins. (The friend I spoke of has also read this blog, so again, passive aggressive AF).

I have a new psychiatrist, but I am not scheduled to see them until February (because I am have ADHD and thus I didn't follow up like I should have.) It's going to be a very long and lonely month.

 

"...people look ugly, when you're alone'..."

It's the beginning of a new year and so I suppose I'm supposed to come up with resolutions. I don't really believe in New Year's resolutions. I have always found them to be a good way to feel disappointment in the things I don't accomplish because they aren't realistic.

Instead of resolutions, I try to come up with things I want to do more of. I am sure that makes me sound pretentious or something similarly negative. I don't go around preaching my beliefs to others. I just do what works for me.

It has been difficult to figure out some better practices or new habits I want to try. It's not like cooking more meals at home, which I can do mostly by myself. It's not about wanting to better about focusing on my career. This year requires social things and I am not sure how to do that alone.

I want to be better about making plans and keeping them. In the past two weeks I have missed six social gatherings. In every single case, I had planned to go, but due to emotional issues, anxiety, or just because I did not want to go alone, I missed them. I am so tired of that. I am not sure how to get better about attending social things, I just haven't the foggiest how to make it happen. I would like to get better about social stuff but I can't do it alone.

I want to do more dancing. I miss Irish, ballroom and at this point, even contra dancing would be welcome. I have tried to go dance events by myself and the anxiety and social pressure get to me. I want to have someone to go with, but that hasn't worked out to well. I want to dance more, but I feel like there are too many obstacles.

I want to make better connections at work, but that requires other people.

I want to deepen my emotional connections, but again other people.

I could keep going, but mostly I just feel like I can't move forward and I am tired of feeling trapped inside my own social anxiety.

Today's song is an easy one and has been my go to when I am feeling nervous about people since I can remember. (I have probably used this song before, but whatever...)