I have been afraid to have people over to my house because it is not clean. I have been afraid to let people meet my dogs because they might not be well enough behaved. I can't remember the last time I had people over to my house. It's just too hard to make the effort.
I miss a lot of social gatherings. It challenging for me to go out. I am afraid that I will say or do the wrong thing. It takes a ton of emotional energy to get out of the house. It takes even more to get out alone. I love my husband, but he is an introvert, so he is not good about getting me to go places. If I don't take the initiative, we stay home.
Spending time with friends is really hard for me. I don't know how to tell people I would like to see them. I don't ask people to come to see me, so I don't feel like I can ask to see them. There aren't many engraved invitations and even when there are, I seem to miss a lot of things. Then I feel bad for missing so many things and the cycle just continues.
I have had people tell me that I should just go to dance (and other) events and not worry. That's very good advice. I have tried that tactic. There are some people in my social groups who have added to my issues. One of them (whom I have spoken about at length) played on a lot of my social anxieties and I allowed that person to exacerbate them. I am not the only one. My husband won't attend events that this person is at. A number of my friends will also not go if that person is going to be in attendance. I would be going alone and I would not have people I know I can depend to support me. So, no, I don't attend those events.
There are dance (and other) events that this person doesn't attend. However, I always feel like I have to hustle and move for partners and getting to dance often feels like more work than it's worth. My husband doesn't enjoy them. I don't have anyone who will consistently join me. After a couple of evenings where I barely danced at all, I stopped making the effort to go. Now when I think about attending, all i think about is being ignored, not dancing and not talking to anyone. I decide it's not worth the effort to attend.
I had a friend who tried working with me on being better about asking for what I wanted. They had me do exercises with them to ask for ridiculous things and get used to them saying no, or no, but. I was very excited to put my burgeoning skills to the test and so I asked this friend about getting together and potentially doing a particular activity. It did not go well. They told me that their first availability wasn't for weeks and noted that they are a very busy person. It was text, but the tone felt very dismissive. It didn't help when they followed it up with "I worry that you don't have enough ability to ask and comfort in asking in order for us to determine that there is a thing that we both would be interested in. (this is also coming at a time when I have more opportunities ... than interest)" (posted without permission)
And that was that. I dropped out of the conversation and have barely spoken to this person since. After all of their work with me to get comfortable asking for something, it was ruined with a few texts. I just ran. That also means that I have a whole other group of social venues to avoid. Not only that, but I stopped asking other people to do activities with me. I just stopped. If one person turned me down so flat, why would anyone else be different?
That's social anxiety. That's my social anxiety and it's getting worse. I feel absolutely stupid asking people to go places with me and hold my hand. I spend most of my nights alone and miserable. (My husband is a wonderful person, but he is an introvert, he doesn't usually want to be social after a day of work.)
I am in non-monogamous relationships (if you somehow missed that fact) and the anxiety is absolutely killing my current relationship. I feel marginalized and thwarted and I don't feel heard. I have tried to work things out, but it's an ongoing problem and I feel like the other two people in the group have to be my therapists (and I have one of those).
I tried to ask for what I wanted this weekend and I have been told all the ways I did that incorrectly. I was told I was selfish and didn't think of others. I finally just told off my partner and retreated.
His other partner interceded. She talked me down and got me to consider a compromise. I was given a number of options for this weekend. I didn't want any of them, because they didn't address the pain and hurt I have been feeling. However, because I felt guilty (and anxious) for all the work the metamour put in, I opted for the one I knew she wanted. I told my partner that I would call them on Sunday. When given the opportunity, to say something he accused me of being sarcastic and giving up. He was right about the giving up, but I wasn't being sarcastic. If he wanted to see me, he would have made the effort. He didn't give a preference and so I figured he didn't want to see me.
I suppose I might contact him on Sunday, but I sort of doubt I will. I have the feeling that given how I have been feeling and how poorly we have been communicating, It is easier to simply run away. I know I will miss the relationship, but the anxiety of scheduling and feeling like I matter so little is making me psycho. I can't seem to work it out and I shouldn't keep imposing on others. My partner doesn't really want me anyway. He's just doesn't want to be the bad guy and be the one to dump me. My solution is easier on everyone involved. I should note that said partner knows about this blog and I guess he reads it, so you can add passive aggressive fuck to my list of sins. (The friend I spoke of has also read this blog, so again, passive aggressive AF).
I have a new psychiatrist, but I am not scheduled to see them until February (because I am have ADHD and thus I didn't follow up like I should have.) It's going to be a very long and lonely month.
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