I suppose I should bring up how triggering I find being left alone. I hate being alone, with a fiery and devoted passion.
My parents divorced in 1976. My mother got the house (ostensibly for my sake) but it was way more than she could afford. She started working two jobs just to keep up the payments. By the time I was 8 I came home from school and let myself in with a key. I remember nights where she would come home for a rushed dinner with me and then leave me alone until bedtime. I know that there were nights when I put myself to bed, usually not falling asleep until I heard her car in the driveway.
My mother wasn't the most attentive parent as it was. However, working two jobs meant that she never checked my homework, never discussed what was going on at school and didn't really pay attention to me. I remember my 6th grade teacher had to strongly suggest that my mother take me bra shopping. My mother hadn't noticed that I was a 'B' cup at 12.
My mother has said that I was a troublesome teen. I want to scream at her every time she says that. I didn't cut school, I didn't do drugs, I wasn't going to parties, and I wasn't running around with boys. I was active in my church and the church youth group. My grades weren't good, but that was because I had never learned study skills or how to do homework. Until middle school, I was smart enough to keep up without ever doing the work, so my teachers let it slide. When I did run into work that was actually difficult, I simply assumed I wasn't good at school and didn't bother working on the things that didn't interest me. That said, I wasn't a rebellious teenager
My mother, on the other hand, was suffering from a very deep depression. I have very few positive memories of my mother during my middle school and high school years. I remember a dark and quiet house. My mother didn't have to work two jobs anymore, but the "good" job she ended up with made her miserable. I was still alone any time I was at home, but I had to stay in my room and stay out of the way. Of course I jumped at the chance to live with my father.
I hate living alone and I have probably spent less than two years of my life living without a partner or a roommate. Even then, my daughter was with me part time. I don't need interaction all the time, but I simply don't know what to do with myself when I am alone. My therapist has suggested that I take this time to get to know my inner abandoned child and soothe her. I suppose, I have some really deep abandonment issues. I tried watching cartoons and playing with toys, but I felt dumb.
I hate 4pm to 8pm. I simply hate that time of day. I am home and often alone. I have to cook dinner. If the dishes didn't get done the day before, I have to at least tackle them enough so I can prepare food. If feels like most of my life is being alone in the late afternoon waiting for someone who is tired and cranky to get home, eat, and then go to the bedroom because they're so tired from work.
It's something that I know that my husband and I need to work on, but there is only so much we can do. By the time I should be getting to bed, my husband decompressed enough that he is able to be interactive.
I know I should get out and do things in the evenings. I just don't know what. I really can't stay out much past 10, so it feels like my options are limited. There is also social anxiety and a few other things to deal with. I don't know how grownups do this. I know how to work. I know how to amuse myself when I am alone. I don't know what I am supposed to do when I'm home and feel abandoned and lonely.
Today's song is a gimme.
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