I finally realized that the students did not want to see teacher who was always unruffled and unfazed. I learned how to show irritations, disdain and other negative emotions in the moment and not let things go until I was pushed past my breaking point.
It was a hard lesson as a teacher. It's a harder lesson as a person. (I believe I have blogged about this before.) I just take it and take it and take it (whatever "it" is) until I finally can't take anymore. I snap, lash out and in many cases end the friendship, the relationship, whatever. I don't say anything. I simply walk away.
When I was 21, I was dating a guy. We did the off again, on again thing. He did stuff that emotionally hurt and hurt and hurt until I finally snapped. I spent months trying to get revenge and all I did was make a damn fool of myself. (To be clear, the guy was an asshole, but he wasn't abusive.)
I still do it. I will stay in a relationship, hoping that it will get better. Friendship, relationship, it doesn't matter, I'll take a lot from the people I care about. It's hard for me to tell someone I care about that they have something that hurts me, even if what happened was unintentional. It's much easier to smile and just take it...until I can't anymore.
I feel like I hit that point in the past few weeks. I have been taking crap for so long and its become such a habit, I can't imagine what life would be like where I didn't have to take it. I have tried to say something, I have tried to communicate, but I don't feel heard.
So, this is the part where I just walk away. It's not what I want to do, but I feel like I'm out of options. I just wish I could be better about communicating when I am in pain and when I am reaching my breaking point.
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