"God knows, got to make it on my own..."

I'm still salty (as my students would say) about not going to Disneyland. At a certain point I just had to accept that I wasn't going to be able to change things and trying to go this weekend in a fit of pique would cost far more money than I have to spend.

I want to go to Disneyland this summer, but it depends on if I can find anyone who wants to go with me.

I realize though, it wasn't Disneyland itself that was the problem. It's that I had started making plans. I started thinking When I go to Disneyland I want to get Wreck-it-Ralph ears. When I go to Disneyland, I want to ride Star Tours. I could imagine myself there and having imagined it, I wanted to make it a reality. It's hard to accept that this weekend, Disneyland isn't my reality.

I like plans and schedules. I like planning a trip. I am good at travel agendas, I used to book travel when I was working in tech and I always loved playing with the possible flight times, figuring out hotel deals and all that sort of thing.

When my plans for Disneyland fell through, I wanted to make sure I filled my weekend up so I didn't have to live in my disappointment. I couldn't do it. Well I could, provided I wanted to do things by myself. However, planning with other people can be a royal pain in the ass. After telling everyone I was going to be busy until Sunday, I missed out on a number of opportunities. The fact that I have significant issues with planning and other people is not helping.

As I mentioned before, I have Daddy issues. My father would make plans with me. He would regularly break them. My stepmother or stepsister's needs always seemed to override his promises. I am glad that there weren't cell phones back then, At least once my father and I got going, I wouldn't have to worry about our time being interrupted. That is a reality now and so when a phone pings, I can feel the panic rising.

The big problem is that I will plan with people and then things change and the plans fall through. Sometimes it's beyond the person's control. Family emergencies, work issues, or something will honestly come up. It bugs me, but I understand. I have certainly canceled on enough people and my RSVP record is not a good one. I am one of those people and I am not proud of it. I get anxiety and don't respond to invites.

However my anxiety is quadrupled when I am trying to make plans with people and I can't get things settled. I would rather not bother making plans. I don't want to imagine myself enjoying my time with the person only to have it canceled on me. Between depression and anxiety, a last minute cancelation can cripple me for the day or sometimes the weekend.

I feel like people don't always understand my anxiety. My BFF does. "Rachel, there's a show, it's on this day, I can go. Let's get tickets!" I love her for that. I have a plan, I have tickets. It's set.

However other people will tell me that they need to check with this person and that person and they will let me know. So it will be Wednesday or Thursday, but they still can't confirm plans for the weekend. I am not sure if that's worse that the other thing, when people make plans and then change them at the last minute. Once in a while is understandable, but when it happens over and over, it becomes an issue.

I stop wanting to make plans with them. In some cases, I just walk away because once my trust in them is broken, I don't see how to rebuild it. 

I know sometimes might read these entries and wonder if I am talking about them. Trust me, if I am spending time with you and haven't discussed this with you, then we are fine, at least in my book. 

If we did spend time together and I stopped, then it's probably because I didn't feel that you would be able to deal with my anxiety levels, including the anxiety of trying to explain this to you. It's not personal, I just felt like I was sparing you fuss and nonsense. I am not good at dealing with my anxiety these days, there is too much going on. I apologize that I couldn't give you the benefit of the doubt. 

I am trying to be more honest with myself. If I am afraid of planning, I am only hurting myself. I need to know what I am doing. I need to have a schedule planned and know that it's likely that the plans will follow through. I also need to be better about answering RSVPs.

And so my final comment is to thank the people who put up with my crazy and keep inviting me out to do things.